Boy sent his nude picture to DD

[Anonymous]

I have older kids and have been through both the inappropriate photos and the threats of never telling me anything again if I tell someone. Here is how I handled it. I told my kids that this was a very serious situation that can result in serious permanent consequences for the other kid. I am not a professional in dealing with such things so I am turning it over to those that are - the school counselor and principal. It would be wrong of us to know that someone is engaging in actions that are likely to bring harm to them and do nothing about it so we are not going to be part of the problem.

FWIW, my kids always continued to tell me everything and the school always intervened.

In case you are unclear about talking to your daughter, she needs to understand that once a photo is on social media the poster loses control and consequences can be serious. And this photo is a crime which can lead to the lifelong consequence of being placed on a sexual offender registry - means jobs, housing, etc are permanently affected. This is no small thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have older kids and have been through both the inappropriate photos and the threats of never telling me anything again if I tell someone. Here is how I handled it. I told my kids that this was a very serious situation that can result in serious permanent consequences for the other kid. I am not a professional in dealing with such things so I am turning it over to those that are - the school counselor and principal. It would be wrong of us to know that someone is engaging in actions that are likely to bring harm to them and do nothing about it so we are not going to be part of the problem.

FWIW, my kids always continued to tell me everything and the school always intervened.

In case you are unclear about talking to your daughter, she needs to understand that once a photo is on social media the poster loses control and consequences can be serious. And this photo is a crime which can lead to the lifelong consequence of being placed on a sexual offender registry - means jobs, housing, etc are permanently affected. This is no small thing.

Best response yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexual harassment. They are not dating and he sent her an unsolicited and unwanted nude photo. To those of you dismissing it, this is a huge problem. Teen girls get sent unsolicited and unwanted dick pics a lot, it is straight up harassment. If you look at what #metoo stands for, it includes harassment.

To the person who asked why do 8th graders need Snapchat and said they thought that was so young for it, I agree that I wish MS students didn’t have social media, but 5th graders have Snapchat, so by 8th they are not new to that.

To OP and your DD who believe this kid when he says he’s never done this before, $1,000 says he’s lying.

So what do you want to do? Label this 13/14 year old boy a sexual predator?

It sounds like OPs daughter didn't feel victimized and she firmly told him that that was not ok

Nope - no labeling. Just clarifying for the people who don’t think it qualifies as a #metoo moment. That said, if it had happened in person, be it in public or private, since it was unsolicited it would be clearly viewed as a crime, however ...

As a parent I would be worried about my child becoming desensitized to what is a serious invasion of her life with unsolicited nudity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexual harassment. They are not dating and he sent her an unsolicited and unwanted nude photo. To those of you dismissing it, this is a huge problem. Teen girls get sent unsolicited and unwanted dick pics a lot, it is straight up harassment. If you look at what #metoo stands for, it includes harassment.

To the person who asked why do 8th graders need Snapchat and said they thought that was so young for it, I agree that I wish MS students didn’t have social media, but 5th graders have Snapchat, so by 8th they are not new to that.

To OP and your DD who believe this kid when he says he’s never done this before, $1,000 says he’s lying.

So what do you want to do? Label this 13/14 year old boy a sexual predator?

It sounds like OPs daughter didn't feel victimized and she firmly told him that that was not ok

Nope - no labeling. Just clarifying for the people who don’t think it qualifies as a #metoo moment. That said, if it had happened in person, be it in public or private, since it was unsolicited it would be clearly viewed as a crime, however ...

As a parent I would be worried about my child becoming desensitized to what is a serious invasion of her life with unsolicited nudity.

I’m a NP and I strongly agree. I wouldn’t take it to the cops but I don’t think this kind of thing is harmless, either, and I would not want to give that impression to my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 8th grade boy (can't be the one in question since he doesn't do Quiz Bowl, among other things) and there's an issue here that sort of dumbfounds me. OP is basically allowing her daughter to dictate her response to this incident. I think that's a huge mistake.

I'm not sure what the right response to this would be. Personally I'd track down the parents (it's not that hard, even at a big public MS.) At minimum, I'd talk to the assistant principal or guidance counselor. They've seen it all before, and even without specifics can offer good advice. My son received an inappropriate text and the school admins were incredibly helpful.

But all that said, if you're going to cede decisionmaking on how to handle this to your daughter, you're setting a terrible precedent. I'm a very chill parent, not remotely the disciplinarian type, but the threat to cut off talking to mom wouldn't fly for me. It's unenforceable in any case; you can pull your punches today in hopes of keeping the lines of communication open and you have zero guarantees that she's telling you everything anyway. So you've given her the upper hand and gained nothing. And be prepared for her to repeat this threat anytime you want to do something she doesn't like.

Personally I'd also pull her off Snapchat for a while. Yeah, I know it's ubiquitous. But there are actually quite a few kids who don't engage in that. My son had Snapchat for about 3 days and deleted it. He's a happy well-adjusted social kid who manages to survive without it.

If that's too extreme for the OP, you might consider negotiating a contract with your daughter about social media use and electronics. A lot of my friends have done that with their kids and it's useful for setting parameters and laying out consequences. You pay the bills for that phone, you are responsible if she does start down the road of sexting -- why shouldn't she have to abide by some minimal expectations?

'You have a few more years to teach your kids good judgment and resilience before they're totally on their own. Bowing to your daughter's fear of social backlash in a situation that involves serious and complicated stuff is a recipe for disaster.

I agree with this. Why are 13 year olds ruling the roost here? Be the adult in the situation, OP.

[Anonymous]

You need to immediately call the police. A detective in Special Victims will come to your home (or ask you to come to the precinct) to meet with you and your daughter. The detective will get a warrant to retrieve the photo from SnapChat. Do not wait. Call the police right now.

[Anonymous]

JFC. All the cops? Risk this bot being
Labeled a sexual predator. Your fucking nuts.

Teach your daughter that boys do stupid things and to erase and block. Then contact the parents privately and let them know they need to teach their son proper internet behavior.

This country is going down the crapper with stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT SCREENSHOT IT!

You are then in possession of child pornography. Even doing it as evidence.

I work in cyber forensics and unfortunately, if I processed your daughter’s phone, I could probably get that Snap. Snaps sent are not kept and found on the device but Snaps received are.

I would absolutely call the parents. I would also do a police report. You need to protect your child who was in possession of CP that was unwanted.

The contract all clients sign before I process their device says if CP or suspected CP is found, the examination will be terminated and the device will be turned over to the police. In some cases and places, the OWNER of the device is liable and the owner is the person who pays the bills.

Just another reason to wipe your devices clean on a regular basis.
No way I would ever consent to any device being searched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have older kids and have been through both the inappropriate photos and the threats of never telling me anything again if I tell someone. Here is how I handled it. I told my kids that this was a very serious situation that can result in serious permanent consequences for the other kid. I am not a professional in dealing with such things so I am turning it over to those that are - the school counselor and principal. It would be wrong of us to know that someone is engaging in actions that are likely to bring harm to them and do nothing about it so we are not going to be part of the problem.

FWIW, my kids always continued to tell me everything and the school always intervened.

In case you are unclear about talking to your daughter, she needs to understand that once a photo is on social media the poster loses control and consequences can be serious. And this photo is a crime which can lead to the lifelong consequence of being placed on a sexual offender registry - means jobs, housing, etc are permanently affected. This is no small thing.

Best response yet.

Yes it is.
-another mom of older kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT SCREENSHOT IT!

You are then in possession of child pornography. Even doing it as evidence.

I work in cyber forensics and unfortunately, if I processed your daughter’s phone, I could probably get that Snap. Snaps sent are not kept and found on the device but Snaps received are.

I would absolutely call the parents. I would also do a police report. You need to protect your child who was in possession of CP that was unwanted.

The contract all clients sign before I process their device says if CP or suspected CP is found, the examination will be terminated and the device will be turned over to the police. In some cases and places, the OWNER of the device is liable and the owner is the person who pays the bills.

Just another reason to wipe your devices clean on a regular basis.
No way I would ever consent to any device being searched.

Um, I don't think you understand how this all works. Sigh. Once the image or file or whatever is created and sent via a service provider it is saved on the cloud, and a detective with a warrant can access it. Wiping your physical device does not erase it from storage on the cloud. If you think it does then you are deluding yourself. If you don't want to be caught doing something wrong then don't take the pic or create/save/send the file in the first place.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm very grateful for the advice given by the experienced parents and professionals. Thank you!

I told my daughter that since the image is now stored on her phone and the owner of the phone who pays the bills is her dad, he could be liable for that image and could go to jail and lose his job. She told me the boy's last name, and I'm going to her school tomorrow and will talk to the counselor. I told her we have to protect our family, and she seems to agree now and has a good explanation for the boy if he questions her. Who wants their dad to go to jail because of someone else's stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm very grateful for the advice given by the experienced parents and professionals. Thank you!

I told my daughter that since the image is now stored on her phone and the owner of the phone who pays the bills is her dad, he could be liable for that image and could go to jail and lose his job. She told me the boy's last name, and I'm going to her school tomorrow and will talk to the counselor. I told her we have to protect our family, and she seems to agree now and has a good explanation for the boy if he questions her. Who wants their dad to go to jail because of someone else's stupidity.

You are doing the right thing. Because these types of unfortunate situations have arisen before, the school will know what to do and will handle it. I am sorry it happened to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexual harassment. They are not dating and he sent her an unsolicited and unwanted nude photo. To those of you dismissing it, this is a huge problem. Teen girls get sent unsolicited and unwanted dick pics a lot, it is straight up harassment. If you look at what #metoo stands for, it includes harassment.

To the person who asked why do 8th graders need Snapchat and said they thought that was so young for it, I agree that I wish MS students didn’t have social media, but 5th graders have Snapchat, so by 8th they are not new to that.

To OP and your DD who believe this kid when he says he’s never done this before, $1,000 says he’s lying.

So what do you want to do? Label this 13/14 year old boy a sexual predator?

It sounds like OPs daughter didn't feel victimized and she firmly told him that that was not ok

THIS. Sounds like the girl is more mature and has more common sense than many of the posters here on DCUM. Not everything is a trendy #Metoo moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexual harassment. They are not dating and he sent her an unsolicited and unwanted nude photo. To those of you dismissing it, this is a huge problem. Teen girls get sent unsolicited and unwanted dick pics a lot, it is straight up harassment. If you look at what #metoo stands for, it includes harassment.

To the person who asked why do 8th graders need Snapchat and said they thought that was so young for it, I agree that I wish MS students didn’t have social media, but 5th graders have Snapchat, so by 8th they are not new to that.

To OP and your DD who believe this kid when he says he’s never done this before, $1,000 says he’s lying.

Nobody is dismissing it or saying it is acceptable. We are just saying that police is not the way to deal with it. This is about a child that has made a mistake. It is horrible but let’s not pretend this girl is likely to be traumatized forever.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to immediately call the police. A detective in Special Victims will come to your home (or ask you to come to the precinct) to meet with you and your daughter. The detective will get a warrant to retrieve the photo from SnapChat. Do not wait. Call the police right now.

OMG. Please take a Valium and let the adults talk.