MIL not respecting our wishes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

While this is a good perspective, it still is not balanced.

The OP has been clear and respecting to her in laws. She is the one who has to deal with overcrowding her humble abode. Not to mention many other issues this MIL's behavior causes. It's good to sdvise the OP to empathize with the doting grandparents, but shouldn't the MIL has empathy toward the daughter in law as well?

Two way street!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

It sounds more to me like warped thinking from someone raised by a mom with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

While this is a good perspective, it still is not balanced.

The OP has been clear and respecting to her in laws. She is the one who has to deal with overcrowding her humble abode. Not to mention many other issues this MIL's behavior causes. It's good to sdvise the OP to empathize with the doting grandparents, but shouldn't the MIL has empathy toward the daughter in law as well?

Two way street!

Way to be intolerant, PP.

Just take the stuff and donate it. This doesn't have to be so hard. Respect that the MIL is showing her love her way. Accept it, get rid of the stuff and move on. The MIL then she probably is old enough that she isn't going to change the way she shows her love so why fight it? I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that it isn't worth a fight. She will be around for a limited amount of time and she means it in love.

I am just astounded by how many people (or maybe just the same person posting continuously) are personally offended by this act of love. Why are you all so insecure? What happened to you that makes you so adamant that it must be your way or the highway? Why can't you all try just a little bit to be more tolerant?

I am not the first poster but I think she has a valid point. If you are a parent of young children then you should recognize that there are a bunch more bigger issues coming down the pike. This is one to just let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much space does a dollhouse really take up.

She bought them 1 gift that they can share and enjoy and one they wil enjoy far more than a holiday show.

Two dolhouses can be a great thing,

Get rid of some of their other toys.

Says someone who never lived in a 2 BR house with kids.

NP here. We live in a 2 bedroom, hate clutter, and I agree with the two-doll house poster. My MIL is not a materialistic person but loves giving gifts. Loves it. She puts a lot of thought into it and it brings her great pleasure. Sometimes she gets is all wrong. We’ve gotten plenty of big, bulky, unneeded (unwanted) stuff. It used to drive me crazy but I got over it. We do a huge purge before Christmas and another around the birthdays. Think of it as kooky misguided love rather than disrespect. And exhale. It’s easier that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

While this is a good perspective, it still is not balanced.

The OP has been clear and respecting to her in laws. She is the one who has to deal with overcrowding her humble abode. Not to mention many other issues this MIL's behavior causes. It's good to sdvise the OP to empathize with the doting grandparents, but shouldn't the MIL has empathy toward the daughter in law as well?

Two way street!

Way to be intolerant, PP.

Just take the stuff and donate it. This doesn't have to be so hard. Respect that the MIL is showing her love her way. Accept it, get rid of the stuff and move on. The MIL then she probably is old enough that she isn't going to change the way she shows her love so why fight it? I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that it isn't worth a fight. She will be around for a limited amount of time and she means it in love.

I am just astounded by how many people (or maybe just the same person posting continuously) are personally offended by this act of love. Why are you all so insecure? What happened to you that makes you so adamant that it must be your way or the highway? Why can't you all try just a little bit to be more tolerant?

I am not the first poster but I think she has a valid point. If you are a parent of young children then you should recognize that there are a bunch more bigger issues coming down the pike. This is one to just let go.

Different families have different dynamics. My parents try to use money and gifts to control others, including their kids and grandkids. It sucks when gifts come with strings attached. We could never say thank you enough or write enough thank you notes to keep them happy. They felt like buying things we didn’t need or want and had no room or use for indebted us to them significantly.

And for those of you saying just donate the toys- my kids wouldn’t handle that well. It came up with smaller toys before, never anything as large as a dollhouse. If they get a new toy and then are immediately told that we can’t keep it and it needs to be given to another kid, they’d be devastated. It’s cruel. It makes the parents the bad guy for not allowing them to keep the cool new toy grandma gave them even after we asked grandma not to get that toy because we can’t keep it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much space does a dollhouse really take up.

She bought them 1 gift that they can share and enjoy and one they wil enjoy far more than a holiday show.

Two dolhouses can be a great thing,

Get rid of some of their other toys.

Says someone who never lived in a 2 BR house with kids.

NP here. We live in a 2 bedroom, hate clutter, and I agree with the two-doll house poster. My MIL is not a materialistic person but loves giving gifts. Loves it. She puts a lot of thought into it and it brings her great pleasure. Sometimes she gets is all wrong. We’ve gotten plenty of big, bulky, unneeded (unwanted) stuff. It used to drive me crazy but I got over it. We do a huge purge before Christmas and another around the birthdays. Think of it as kooky misguided love rather than disrespect. And exhale. It’s easier that way.

All this good stuff produced and abandoned makes me sick. I'm not suggesting that keeping all the crap is a better choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

While this is a good perspective, it still is not balanced.

The OP has been clear and respecting to her in laws. She is the one who has to deal with overcrowding her humble abode. Not to mention many other issues this MIL's behavior causes. It's good to sdvise the OP to empathize with the doting grandparents, but shouldn't the MIL has empathy toward the daughter in law as well?

Two way street!

Way to be intolerant, PP.

Just take the stuff and donate it. This doesn't have to be so hard. Respect that the MIL is showing her love her way. Accept it, get rid of the stuff and move on. The MIL then she probably is old enough that she isn't going to change the way she shows her love so why fight it? I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that it isn't worth a fight. She will be around for a limited amount of time and she means it in love.

I am just astounded by how many people (or maybe just the same person posting continuously) are personally offended by this act of love. Why are you all so insecure? What happened to you that makes you so adamant that it must be your way or the highway? Why can't you all try just a little bit to be more tolerant?

I am not the first poster but I think she has a valid point. If you are a parent of young children then you should recognize that there are a bunch more bigger issues coming down the pike. This is one to just let go.

NP. I get what you're saying, I do. I've read the book, and my mom was this way. The difference was, she wanted to show her love with gifts that were WANTED. OP has told her MIL that they don't have room for things like this. Why is it all about respecting who the MIL is, and ignoring the blatant disrespect the MIL is showing the DIL? I agree that OP should just take the gifts and immediately donate, but then you think MIL is going to be happy when she finds that out? OP will still be the bad guy because MIL wants things her way or no way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much space does a dollhouse really take up.

She bought them 1 gift that they can share and enjoy and one they wil enjoy far more than a holiday show.

Two dolhouses can be a great thing,

Get rid of some of their other toys.

Says someone who never lived in a 2 BR house with kids.

NP here. We live in a 2 bedroom, hate clutter, and I agree with the two-doll house poster. My MIL is not a materialistic person but loves giving gifts. Loves it. She puts a lot of thought into it and it brings her great pleasure. Sometimes she gets is all wrong. We’ve gotten plenty of big, bulky, unneeded (unwanted) stuff. It used to drive me crazy but I got over it. We do a huge purge before Christmas and another around the birthdays. Think of it as kooky misguided love rather than disrespect. And exhale. It’s easier that way.

.

It’s not abandoned. It’s used and appreciated in varying levels then donated.

It’s

All this good stuff produced and abandoned makes me sick. I'm not suggesting that keeping all the crap is a better choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.

Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate.

Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren.

This is a wonderful post. Of course it may be too mature for your audience but that is a different issue.

While this is a good perspective, it still is not balanced.

The OP has been clear and respecting to her in laws. She is the one who has to deal with overcrowding her humble abode. Not to mention many other issues this MIL's behavior causes. It's good to sdvise the OP to empathize with the doting grandparents, but shouldn't the MIL has empathy toward the daughter in law as well?

Two way street!

Also a two way street?

If a person asked you not to do something and you do it anyway say you don't care and you don't respect their boundaries then you should have to deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your MIL.

No, you don’t. Mine is JUST like this, and we had WWIII with her over her lack of self-control in the gift-giving department. I posted about it years ago, and the posters who whine “Be grateful. It’s the job of the grandparents to spoil their grandkids. I sure wish that was MY problem” are PITAs who don’t know what a true problem this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your MIL.

No, you don’t. Mine is JUST like this, and we had WWIII with her over her lack of self-control in the gift-giving department. I posted about it years ago, and the posters who whine “Be grateful. It’s the job of the grandparents to spoil their grandkids. I sure wish that was MY problem” are PITAs who don’t know what a true problem this is.

I am a DP who is fairly certain that the "PITAs" knew what the "true problem" was and were just too kind to say it to your face even on this anonymous board. Because you still have not figured it out, let me explain what they have learned and what you have not: you cannot control other people, you can only control you and your reaction. I wasn't on this board "years ago" but judging from your most recent post I can tell you that your reaction to both your MIL and the people from whom you sought guidance was and still is distasteful.

You waged "WWIII" over this? That indeed is a "true problem".