MIL not respecting our wishes
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Anonymous
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My MIL pulls the same crap. It's all about what SHE wants to give the kids, without any thought as to what they actually like or what is age appropriate. She'll ask for suggestions, we give them to her, and then she does whatever she wants.
Return the dollhouse. No question. |
Anonymous
Says someone who never lived in a 2 BR house with kids. |
Anonymous
We lived in a one bedroom apartment with two small children - renovation snafu on our house. We couldn't store ANYTHING in the end. So I can certainly see the storage problem. |
Anonymous
Why is this so common with MILs?! I don't get it. How passive-aggressive can you be over what is supposed to be a nice holiday tradition... |
Anonymous
| Next time give her suggestions on small things she can buy. She obviously wants and needs to buy something. And give that dolls house to Toys for Tots, can you even get your kids to agree to that, or have the seen it already? |
Anonymous
| My ex MIL takes All the gifts She gave DS back to have at Her place and Now that Her son and i are divorced buys him toys and keeps them ALL at Her House so he can use 20 days a year (that's how often ex asks for visitation) wish She would send him back w some of his favs so he could actually enjoy them or put $ towards college fund since DS father never will. Different problem but just as selfish |
Anonymous
| Return it. People like this don't get it. It is how ever not polite to tell people how to spend their money. Say thank you, and return it. IF you return all of her gifts, she will eventually stop buying them. You can just return to sender if you want. |
Anonymous
Winner winner! |
Anonymous
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OP, you and your husband have told your MIL your wishes. She decided to ignore them. You can’t force her to stop, but you can change how you respond.
I would start a new tradition with the kids: Every year make a donation to toys for tots! Get the kids excited and make a fun event out of it. You should donate excessive new toys from MIL but also make an effort to go through their rooms and get rid of all outgrown toys. After you drop of the toys go out for hot cocoa and talk about how other kids will have a better Christmas because of them. Do this after birthdays too. If MIL asks where the dollhouse is, be very matter-of-fact. “Oh, there was no space for it, but Larla donated it to a charity she loves!” Then have Larla tell grandma about your new tradition. If grandma complains, have your DH tell her that you don’t have space for big toys and etc... Say she’s welcome to check with you before buying big toys in the future. Then don’t give it another thought. |
Anonymous
It's common with MILs because women talk to their mothers and tell them no. Men just don't ever tell their moms no and the "no" always comes from the DIL which creates tension. My mom would LOVE to fill our house with toys just like this MIL. But I tell her no. I'm firm and I return gifts. I love my mom deeply, but she needs handled carefully and a son wouldn't be able to do it. Mom and I joke all the time that it's best she had daughters because she'd be an awful MIL. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't return the gifts to her, but I also wouldn't give them to your kids. Donate them when things arrive that are too big for your space. If she asks about it, tell her that's what you did. "Oh it was a lovely dollhouse, but we already had one, so we donated it. Janie loves the art kit you sent!"
If she balks just stay on message "we only have space for so many things, if you'd like some suggestions next time, I'm happy to help". Then drop it. Keep what you want, donate what you want, but focus less on changing her behavior. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Both my mom and my MIL have big personalities, strong ideas of what DD should have, and not much of a filter. With my mom, I can be as blunt as is required to get her to listen to me (and I really do have to be very very blunt - "if you buy that, it stays at your house, if you bring it to my home, it's getting donated"). With MIL, I'm not her daughter, I can't talk to her that way, so DH needs to. He's gotten much better about stepping up but only after I pointed out how much I run interference with my mom and basically threatened to start letting her have her way as much as he was letting his mom have her way. |
Anonymous
It’s not a MIL thing, it’s a woman thing. |
Anonymous
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Cannot believe that no one has read "Five Love Languages." My mother did the same thing as OP's MIL, including getting a job at TJ Maxx to find "good deals" to send. However, I am aware that one of the main love languages is gift-giving. This is simply the primary way that some people show and receive love. OP - your MIL got joy from planning the purchase, buying it and anticipating her grandchildren's reaction to the gifts.
Instead of making the reaction all about you and your control issues, understand that this is her way of loving your children. Something that she should have the right to do. It is then up to you, after Christmas, to use or donate gifts as you see fit. Will it potentially cause a conflict with your children? Maybe, but that is part of parenting. Give them the choice of what to keep and what to donate. Gifts are about giving, and it is rude of you to try to control what she will gift. You can suggest, but that is all. Try to look at people as fundamentally good and try to understand them. Maybe your MIL wished that she could have such a toy when she was a child and never got one. OR maybe she had a similar toy and remembers fondly how much fun it was and wants that for her grandchildren. |
Anonymous
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It's also a generational things. Post-war grandparents grew up with many fewer toys because it all just cost so much more. The idea that they can go and afford and entire doll house is so exciting to them because when they were little they dreamed about a whole room full of toys; they are living out their own fantasy and assume that that is also the dream of their grandchildren.
Alas, crap/toys are cheap these days. The world has turned. |