MIL reneging on childcare promise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it. DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.

NP here. I think you are being unfair blaming this on your MIL. Your MIL made the promise to care for your second child based on the same conditions that held when she watched the first grandchild. You and your husband are the ones that are changing the conditions by imposing boundaries on her behavior and care. That's fine and I understand fully the need to place boundaries on the grandparents. However, it was your decision to impose boundaries that caused her to withdraw. You can't place the blame on her for withdrawing when you and DH changed the conditions under which she agreed to care for the children. Had you left her without boundaries, she would have fulfilled her promise.

In this case, DH should understand that your new rules and boundaries are the reason that she has withdrawn her promise. She did not make the change, you did. I think you did the right thing, but you two need to bear the responsibility of the broken promise, not MIL. And you need to convince your husband that he should not be upset at his mother. Be adult and take responsibility for the action that broke the agreement. I think it's worth it and clearly, so do you. Just own it.

+1 It sounds like you were happy with the care your DC1 received from mil in the first year. What changes and boundaries did you insist on for DC2??

[Anonymous]

OP, you want the best personal and professional relationship with the caregiver of your child. For whatever reasons, that is not going to be the case with MIL. So letting it go and moving on to Plan B is definitely the best option.

I agree with other PPs who suggest you save now for extra maternity leave and have DH take paternity leave after that if he can. A Nanny might also be a great option for you with two DCs, so I would start looking into that immediately.

It's better if you found out this information now than later. You still have time to make arrangements and I would do so. I agree this is a blessing in disguise all around.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better, my MIL promised she would come out after my twins were born once DH went back to work. then with only a couple week's notice she said that she forgot about coming out and had scheduled time to hang out with a friend at her vacation house and didn't want to disappoint her friend so she couldn't come help.

Yes I was mad at the time -- especially because she is one of those people who always says "family is everything, we have such a close family" but then doesn't really do much for family. But honestly there isn't anything you can do so just suck it up and enjoy the fact that it is much easier to have boundaries with people you are paying than with family who is helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on? You might have changed the terms as much as she did. My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half. My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc. It led to the breakdown of their relationship. If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it. If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on? You might have changed the terms as much as she did. My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half. My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc. It led to the breakdown of their relationship. If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it. If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.

+1
OP clearly doesn't realize the enormity of the favor her MIL already provides to her.

[Anonymous]

You can't impose a bunch of stipulations on your MIL and then want free childcare. That's very selfish. I agree with the above, your MIL already did you a big favor because daycare costs are serious money. If you and DH had that much of a problem with her sounds like your kid will be better off in daycare so you should be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't impose a bunch of stipulations on your MIL and then want free childcare. That's very selfish. I agree with the above, your MIL already did you a big favor because daycare costs are serious money. If you and DH had that much of a problem with her sounds like your kid will be better off in daycare so you should be happy.

She saved you at least $13K (in the DC area).

Depending on what boundaries you put down, you might be better off with a nanny. I don't suggest day cares because each place runs with it's own rules and parents can't change those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't impose a bunch of stipulations on your MIL and then want free childcare. That's very selfish. I agree with the above, your MIL already did you a big favor because daycare costs are serious money. If you and DH had that much of a problem with her sounds like your kid will be better off in daycare so you should be happy.

She saved you at least $13K (in the DC area).

Depending on what boundaries you put down, you might be better off with a nanny. I don't suggest day cares because each place runs with it's own rules and parents can't change those.

Where in this area is daycare only $13k?

Asking for a friend....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on? You might have changed the terms as much as she did. My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half. My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc. It led to the breakdown of their relationship. If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it. If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.

+1
OP clearly doesn't realize the enormity of the favor her MIL already provides to her.

Again, this.

A family member is not staff. You imposing “boundaries” opened MIL to open her own, namely the arrangement was not working for her.

Now, you get to pay someone and establish all the boundaries you want. I think you can chalk this up with “be careful want you wish for, as you might just get it”.

FWIW, your MIL is in now way beholden to you to provide free childcare, with or without whatever silly “boundaries” you want to set out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on? You might have changed the terms as much as she did. My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half. My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc. It led to the breakdown of their relationship. If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it. If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.

+1
OP clearly doesn't realize the enormity of the favor her MIL already provides to her.

Again, this.

A family member is not staff. You imposing “boundaries” opened MIL to open her own, namely the arrangement was not working for her.

Now, you get to pay someone and establish all the boundaries you want. I think you can chalk this up with “be careful want you wish for, as you might just get it”.

FWIW, your MIL is in now way beholden to you to provide free childcare, with or without whatever silly “boundaries” you want to set out.

+1000. Maybe it is because I am a foreigner but I find American children very difficult and demanding with their grandparents. I was going to say "DIL difficult with their MIL" but it seems broader. I am French married to an American, and I find my DH so irritating with his own mother !!! The poor thing can never do anything right. Wrong food, wrong clothes, wrong TV time, wrong plastic bottles, toxic toys and on and on and on... the whole messages delivered with an exasperated sigh "but mom dont you know that is EXTREMELY dangerous to do XYZ"... I do have different standards than my MIL, which is perfectly normal, each generation does things differently. But she is so well intentioned, she loves my children and for goodness sakes I think we could give grandparents a bit more breathing room. I know she is not going to throw them under a bus, will read to them, not spank them and give them90% healthy food. I will be on team good enough...

A grandparent is not a nanny. If a MIL accepts to play that role (which is a HUGE favor), she is more of a third parent than a nanny. I think it is disrespectful to expect them to just follow your rules and not have a say in the "boundaries" you outline.

Now, that being said, you are perfectly right to refuse to have your MIL as a third parent if her decisions and parenting style make you uncomfortable. But in that case she made the right choice and made both of you a favor by not taking care of DC2.

"the house had to be clean when she got home" = my oh my, imagine a DH setting that rule for a SAHM. He would be stoned to death on DCUM. Not more appropriate for a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on? You might have changed the terms as much as she did. My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half. My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc. It led to the breakdown of their relationship. If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it. If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.

+1
OP clearly doesn't realize the enormity of the favor her MIL already provides to her.

Again, this.

A family member is not staff. You imposing “boundaries” opened MIL to open her own, namely the arrangement was not working for her.

Now, you get to pay someone and establish all the boundaries you want. I think you can chalk this up with “be careful want you wish for, as you might just get it”.

FWIW, your MIL is in now way beholden to you to provide free childcare, with or without whatever silly “boundaries” you want to set out.

+1000. Maybe it is because I am a foreigner but I find American children very difficult and demanding with their grandparents. I was going to say "DIL difficult with their MIL" but it seems broader. I am French married to an American, and I find my DH so irritating with his own mother !!! The poor thing can never do anything right. Wrong food, wrong clothes, wrong TV time, wrong plastic bottles, toxic toys and on and on and on... the whole messages delivered with an exasperated sigh "but mom dont you know that is EXTREMELY dangerous to do XYZ"... I do have different standards than my MIL, which is perfectly normal, each generation does things differently. But she is so well intentioned, she loves my children and for goodness sakes I think we could give grandparents a bit more breathing room. I know she is not going to throw them under a bus, will read to them, not spank them and give them90% healthy food. I will be on team good enough...

A grandparent is not a nanny. If a MIL accepts to play that role (which is a HUGE favor), she is more of a third parent than a nanny. I think it is disrespectful to expect them to just follow your rules and not have a say in the "boundaries" you outline.

Now, that being said, you are perfectly right to refuse to have your MIL as a third parent if her decisions and parenting style make you uncomfortable. But in that case she made the right choice and made both of you a favor by not taking care of DC2.

"the house had to be clean when she got home" = my oh my, imagine a DH setting that rule for a SAHM. He would be stoned to death on DCUM. Not more appropriate for a MIL.

<3 this

[Anonymous]

You sound completely unconcerned about changes in your MIL's health and behavior and worried about daycare costs after that woman saved you thousands of dollars and gave your child the priceless gift of a year at home with a loving grandmother. Nice.

[Anonymous]

It looks like MIL is establishing her very own boundaries such as the most basic one - no free childcare from me!

OP it is really hilarious to read about your concern with appropriate boundaries at the same time you are upset that your MIL decided she didn't want to be your servant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL.

+1 I wouldn't work for anyone who blew up at me either.

Grammy here and agree 100%! First, I wouldn't provide daycare for my grandkids (not an issue because my DIL stays at home.). I raised my kids. I love keeping my grandkids occasionally and do so any chance I get! But I'm not a daycare provider. And more importantly, if you blew up at me, there is no way ever I would keep your child.

You made the mess. Deal with it.

I guess you missed the part where OP said MIL repeatedly harassed her about having a second child despite initially calm Request to drop it? OP didn't make rhebmess; MIL did by not minding her own business. It's so typical of another MIL to just jump in and blame the DIL no matter what MIL did. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL.

+1 I wouldn't work for anyone who blew up at me either.

Grammy here and agree 100%! First, I wouldn't provide daycare for my grandkids (not an issue because my DIL stays at home.). I raised my kids. I love keeping my grandkids occasionally and do so any chance I get! But I'm not a daycare provider. And more importantly, if you blew up at me, there is no way ever I would keep your child.

You made the mess. Deal with it.

I guess you missed the part where OP said MIL repeatedly harassed her about having a second child despite initially calm Request to drop it? OP didn't make rhebmess; MIL did by not minding her own business. It's so typical of another MIL to just jump in and blame the DIL no matter what MIL did. Ugh.

the person who provides you with 30k of free childcare is not going to mind their own business.