MIL reneging on childcare promise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL.

+1 I wouldn't work for anyone who blew up at me either.

Grammy here and agree 100%! First, I wouldn't provide daycare for my grandkids (not an issue because my DIL stays at home.). I raised my kids. I love keeping my grandkids occasionally and do so any chance I get! But I'm not a daycare provider. And more importantly, if you blew up at me, there is no way ever I would keep your child.

You made the mess. Deal with it.

I guess you missed the part where OP said MIL repeatedly harassed her about having a second child despite initially calm Request to drop it? OP didn't make rhebmess; MIL did by not minding her own business. It's so typical of another MIL to just jump in and blame the DIL no matter what MIL did. Ugh.

Since family members might want to give each other the benefit of the doubt, MIL might have been encouraging her son and DIL to have the second child quickly because she felt her energy level going down. Taking care of infants and toddlers is a lot of work, and as an older person, it is difficult to predict how you will feel a few years in the future.

[Anonymous]

I think it was perfectly acceptable for OP to tell MIL to 'back off' regarding having second child....but there are always consequences to our actions. Sounds like MIL was offended by the response from her DIL and decided that she didn't want to provide free childcare. I think that is perfectly acceptable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it was perfectly acceptable for OP to tell MIL to 'back off' regarding having second child....but there are always consequences to our actions. Sounds like MIL was offended by the response from her DIL and decided that she didn't want to provide free childcare. I think that is perfectly acceptable too.

Exactly. Not sure what OP doesn’t understand about this, or why she’s upset.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH sound awful and entitled. You exploded on her to drop it, and then established boundaries - understandable and completely fine. But now, when it’s convenient for you, you want to pretend like that explosion and boundary-setting didn’t occur.

If you couldn’t afford another child, you should have avoided becoming pregnant. It’s not your MIL’s job to give you free child care, especially in light of the circumstances. You told her to drop it - and she did (including her promise of free child care).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH sound awful and entitled. You exploded on her to drop it, and then established boundaries - understandable and completely fine. But now, when it’s convenient for you, you want to pretend like that explosion and boundary-setting didn’t occur.

If you couldn’t afford another child, you should have avoided becoming pregnant. It’s not your MIL’s job to give you free child care, especially in light of the circumstances. You told her to drop it - and she did (including her promise of free child care).

+1

Totally crazy idea, but have you tried sincerely apologizing for you exploding on her (fwiw, I bet she was just expressing excitement and hoping for another baby to take care of....sooner rather than later hence her constant reminders about "just do it, I'm your free childcare").

Maybe once you admit you were out of line (which is debatable on dcum bc we don't know the exact words exchanged or the tone or the context), you could ask her if she'd reconsider her offer for free babysitting?

[Anonymous]

what if the parents pay MIL scale for providing the daycare, like we do?
does that change things?
some say it would be the worst of both worlds, and I can see why.
MIL has been doing it ,paid, for 5 months and there are frictions, for sure. for example, she thinks that she is being safe by putting him in the car seat with the straps all loosened, and pretends to listen when we complain. but her behavior does not change
but MIL and DC adore each other. you cant get that from a nanny or day care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what if the parents pay MIL scale for providing the daycare, like we do?
does that change things?
some say it would be the worst of both worlds, and I can see why.
MIL has been doing it ,paid, for 5 months and there are frictions, for sure. for example, she thinks that she is being safe by putting him in the car seat with the straps all loosened, and pretends to listen when we complain. but her behavior does not change
but MIL and DC adore each other. you cant get that from a nanny or day care

False.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what if the parents pay MIL scale for providing the daycare, like we do?
does that change things?
some say it would be the worst of both worlds, and I can see why.
MIL has been doing it ,paid, for 5 months and there are frictions, for sure. for example, she thinks that she is being safe by putting him in the car seat with the straps all loosened, and pretends to listen when we complain. but her behavior does not change
but MIL and DC adore each other. you cant get that from a nanny or day care

False.

Keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better. By and large, this is so untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team MIL.

+1 I wouldn't work for anyone who blew up at me either.

Grammy here and agree 100%! First, I wouldn't provide daycare for my grandkids (not an issue because my DIL stays at home.). I raised my kids. I love keeping my grandkids occasionally and do so any chance I get! But I'm not a daycare provider. And more importantly, if you blew up at me, there is no way ever I would keep your child.

You made the mess. Deal with it.

Grammy, try a little reading comprehension. OP's MIL repeatedly offered to care for this child. In fact, all but begged OP and her DH to have this child so she could provide childcare.

So yippie for you that you'll never offer to watch your grandkids. That's your decision and one you are totally within your rights to make. But that is not the situation OP finds herself in with a MIL who pulled a bait-and-switch.

NP and not a grammy. OP was unhappy with grammy's intrusion into their lives but happy to take free full time childcare of their new baby for a year?

Honestly it sounds like grammy is being responsible, she understands she is incapable of behaving in bounds so she's not setting herself up for failure.

I have a situation in my family where my mom provides a LOT of financial assistance to one of my siblings who has a young child and everyone involved resents each other. Mom resents sibling and SO for not treating her with more respect, sibling and SO resent mom for having so much control over their lives. But no one is strong enough to break the dependency even though it would improve all those relationships. Sibling and SO like the extra money too much and mom likes that little bit of intrusion she has into their life and relationship. Yucky.

OP you made the choice when you blew up at her to not have her intimately involved in your household in this way. That was a good decision, but it does have consequences.

[Anonymous]

but MIL and DC adore each other. you cant get that from a nanny or day care



False.
Keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better. By and large, this is so untrue.


are you saying that false is false or that you cant get that from a nanny or day care is false?

[Anonymous]

when DC was in daycare, they let him drool on himself all day in a bouncer

and I see other nannies who are not being watched by the bosses and they're always on their phone.

MIL has mucho buy-in with DC and she is always alert to him

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this was going to be a drama-filled and paining situation however it worked out. The chaos and drama is reduced by dealing with it up front now, rather than in a protracted disagreement about the childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what if the parents pay MIL scale for providing the daycare, like we do?
does that change things?
some say it would be the worst of both worlds, and I can see why.
MIL has been doing it ,paid, for 5 months and there are frictions, for sure. for example, she thinks that she is being safe by putting him in the car seat with the straps all loosened, and pretends to listen when we complain. but her behavior does not change
but MIL and DC adore each other. you cant get that from a nanny or day care

what if you didn't reply back to a November 2017 post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for MIL/grandma. Nobody wants to be treated like trash.

HOW exactly is Grandma being treated like trash?

You want free daycare and boundaries? Give me an effing break. That is called treating someone like trash, just like the other poster said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on? You might have changed the terms as much as she did. My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half. My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc. It led to the breakdown of their relationship. If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it. If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.

+1
OP clearly doesn't realize the enormity of the favor her MIL already provides to her.

Again, this.

A family member is not staff. You imposing “boundaries” opened MIL to open her own, namely the arrangement was not working for her.

Now, you get to pay someone and establish all the boundaries you want. I think you can chalk this up with “be careful want you wish for, as you might just get it”.

FWIW, your MIL is in now way beholden to you to provide free childcare, with or without whatever silly “boundaries” you want to set out.

+1000. Maybe it is because I am a foreigner but I find American children very difficult and demanding with their grandparents. I was going to say "DIL difficult with their MIL" but it seems broader. I am French married to an American, and I find my DH so irritating with his own mother !!! The poor thing can never do anything right. Wrong food, wrong clothes, wrong TV time, wrong plastic bottles, toxic toys and on and on and on... the whole messages delivered with an exasperated sigh "but mom dont you know that is EXTREMELY dangerous to do XYZ"... I do have different standards than my MIL, which is perfectly normal, each generation does things differently. But she is so well intentioned, she loves my children and for goodness sakes I think we could give grandparents a bit more breathing room. I know she is not going to throw them under a bus, will read to them, not spank them and give them90% healthy food. I will be on team good enough...

A grandparent is not a nanny. If a MIL accepts to play that role (which is a HUGE favor), she is more of a third parent than a nanny. I think it is disrespectful to expect them to just follow your rules and not have a say in the "boundaries" you outline.
[b]
Now, that being said, you are perfectly right to refuse to have your MIL as a third parent if her decisions and parenting style make you uncomfortable. But in that case she made the right choice and made both of you a favor by not taking care of DC2.

"the house had to be clean when she got home" = my oh my, imagine a DH setting that rule for a SAHM. He would be stoned to death on DCUM. Not more appropriate for a MIL.

I couldn't agree more with the bolded. I love this country, but there are some ideologies here that make me sick to my stomach. People are so entitled to their "boundaries", and then complain when others build walls to keep them out.

Your parent is not a nanny, period. If you cannot be flexible with her, hire a nanny.