MIL reneging on childcare promise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How about I clarify? This was me "blowing up" after more than two years of comments about us having another baby: "We'll have a baby when we feel ready, it's really not appropriate to keep commenting about it when you don't know the full situation and it isn't your business."

I can assure you MIL is not treated like "trash" at all.

Anyway, the posters saying it's a blessing in disguise are right and I think that's what I believe deep down. I was just reading another thread about little babies getting sick at daycare and it freaked me out and got me overthinking.

Ignore the irritant MIL aspect for now...how well did she care for your child that 1st year? Safe and loved? Did you come home and find the baby in a crib with an ancient poop diaper? Her feeding s/he a bowl of potato chips? Use MIL for care if she did that job well. If everyday was a battle that's another story.

Yes, after the initial bumps of transitioning and getting used to things, the arrangement went well. I had virtually no problems at all with MIL until about 8 months ago some things changed in her behavior for reasons unknown to us and that DH has not been able to get to the bottom of in their discussions. Most likely it happened over a period of time until we really started to notice and it became a problem that had to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

If her offer and repeated assurance was a genuine factor in your family planning (and not just a bonus), meaning that you genuinely would have waited longer to have DC2 and now you're going to be under financial hardship to pay for the additional childcare, that is legitimate grounds to cut her out of your life for good, in my book.

It sounds like she doesn't respect either of you anyway, so I wouldn't hesitate at all.

[Anonymous]

Get a nanny.

[Anonymous]

So many high strung overreacting young people. Talk about having another child is a common topic around the world for grandmas and young parents. I bet you people in other countries smile and think what they want. But no, OP had to blow up after 2 years at the woman who provided free child care for year. It's called give and take, something so many DILs here never heard about.

[Anonymous]

it appears you will have to join 99% of us who - gasp - need to pay for childcare. if money was so important to you you should have watched your language around your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many high strung overreacting young people. Talk about having another child is a common topic around the world for grandmas and young parents. I bet you people in other countries smile and think what they want. But no, OP had to blow up after 2 years at the woman who provided free child care for year. It's called give and take, something so many DILs here never heard about.

+1
she kept asking you to have baby #2... BFD

[Anonymous]

Seriously, OP? You can’t spend years telling MIL that whether she would babysit or not has no bearing on having the second child then get upset when she withdraws it. She feels unappreciated. I think she did you both a favor. Let this go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

This can''t be real. You and your DH are having the second baby. It is your responsibility and you can tell you dh that no one can force you to do something. Either send the kid to daycare, nanny share or one of you can stay home. It is not your MIL's baby and the only people you should be upset with is yourself. You shouldn't have had the kid if you didn't have the money.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have no cause to be upset here. If you *must* be upset at someone, try your DH. Leave your MIL alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for MIL/grandma. Nobody wants to be treated like trash.

HOW exactly is Grandma being treated like trash?

Who would put boundaries on a Grandma???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How about I clarify? This was me "blowing up" after more than two years of comments about us having another baby: "We'll have a baby when we feel ready, it's really not appropriate to keep commenting about it when you don't know the full situation and it isn't your business."

I can assure you MIL is not treated like "trash" at all.

Anyway, the posters saying it's a blessing in disguise are right and I think that's what I believe deep down. I was just reading another thread about little babies getting sick at daycare and it freaked me out and got me overthinking.

They get sick, but when they get older, they have great immune systems (and somwill you). Plus if your oldest is in daycare, the germs are coming home anyways.

I think it is for the best. And you never know what is going on with your mil. Maybe she is having health or mental problems that she does not want to admit to, that make her unable to provide childcare. I woukd not assume the worst. Things change in two years.she offered two years ago. That offer does not last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for MIL/grandma. Nobody wants to be treated like trash.

HOW exactly is Grandma being treated like trash?

Who would put boundaries on a Grandma???

Everyone on DCUM...?

[Anonymous]

I suppose this is really a husband and MIL issue. Had you been left to your own devices, you would have prepared yourself a long time ago, for daycare, or a nanny for your two children, or staying home, etc, and it would have been less of a last-minute stress. But perhaps your husband was sure his mother would come around or something, and messed things up even further?

Anyway. Now you know what your options are.

Please don't be resentful against this MIL of yours. Apparently she can't handle life correctly, and that's her loss, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it. DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.

NP here. I think you are being unfair blaming this on your MIL. Your MIL made the promise to care for your second child based on the same conditions that held when she watched the first grandchild. You and your husband are the ones that are changing the conditions by imposing boundaries on her behavior and care. That's fine and I understand fully the need to place boundaries on the grandparents. However, it was your decision to impose boundaries that caused her to withdraw. You can't place the blame on her for withdrawing when you and DH changed the conditions under which she agreed to care for the children. Had you left her without boundaries, she would have fulfilled her promise.

In this case, DH should understand that your new rules and boundaries are the reason that she has withdrawn her promise. She did not make the change, you did. I think you did the right thing, but you two need to bear the responsibility of the broken promise, not MIL. And you need to convince your husband that he should not be upset at his mother. Be adult and take responsibility for the action that broke the agreement. I think it's worth it and clearly, so do you. Just own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How about I clarify? This was me "blowing up" after more than two years of comments about us having another baby: "We'll have a baby when we feel ready, it's really not appropriate to keep commenting about it when you don't know the full situation and it isn't your business."

I can assure you MIL is not treated like "trash" at all.

Anyway, the posters saying it's a blessing in disguise are right and I think that's what I believe deep down. I was just reading another thread about little babies getting sick at daycare and it freaked me out and got me overthinking.

Ignore the irritant MIL aspect for now...how well did she care for your child that 1st year? Safe and loved? Did you come home and find the baby in a crib with an ancient poop diaper? Her feeding s/he a bowl of potato chips? Use MIL for care if she did that job well. If everyday was a battle that's another story.

Yes, after the initial bumps of transitioning and getting used to things, the arrangement went well. I had virtually no problems at all with MIL until about 8 months ago some things changed in her behavior for reasons unknown to us and that DH has not been able to get to the bottom of in their discussions. Most likely it happened over a period of time until we really started to notice and it became a problem that had to be addressed.

Not sure what you are talking about here but my dad's dementia started with some subtle behavior and judgment problems. He overreacted to any questions or criticism about his behavior. He was always kind of difficult so it took a little while for us to figure out it was his age and not just his personality. Not relying on your MIL for childcare may be a good thing.