Reply to MIL reneging on childcare promise

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up. 
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her. 
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.[/quote]

What were the "boundaries" that you insisted on?  You might have changed the terms as much as she did.  My brother and SIL had my mom watch their infant twins for a year and a half.  My SIL had a list of rules: the house had to be clean when she got home, the kids could only eat certain limited foods, certain toys were not allowed, etc.  It led to the breakdown of their relationship. [b] If you want to dictate everything, then you should find a child care provider which meets your guidelines and pay for it.  If you want to impose on the time and hard work of a family member, then you need to be grateful and flexible.[/b][/quote]

+1
OP clearly doesn't realize the enormity of the favor her MIL already provides to her. [/quote]

Again, this.

A family member is not staff. You imposing “boundaries” opened MIL to open her own, namely the arrangement was not working for her.

Now, you get to pay someone and establish all the boundaries you want.  I think you can chalk this up with “be careful want you wish for, as you might just get it”.

FWIW, your MIL is in now way beholden to you to provide free childcare, with or without whatever silly “boundaries” you want to set out. [/quote]

+1000. Maybe it is because I am a foreigner but I find American children very difficult and demanding with their grandparents. I was going to say "DIL difficult with their MIL" but it seems broader. I am French married to an American, and I find my DH so irritating with his own mother !!! The poor thing can never do anything right. Wrong food, wrong clothes, wrong TV time, wrong plastic bottles, toxic toys and on and on and on... the whole messages delivered with an exasperated sigh "but mom dont you know that is EXTREMELY dangerous to do XYZ"... I do have different standards than my MIL, which is perfectly normal, each generation does things differently. But she is so well intentioned, she loves my children and for goodness sakes I think we could give grandparents a bit more breathing room. I know she is not going to throw them under a bus, will read to them, not spank them and give them90% healthy food. I will be on team good enough...

A grandparent is not a nanny. If a MIL accepts to play that role (which is a HUGE favor), she is more of a third parent than a nanny. I think it is disrespectful to expect them to just follow your rules and not have a say in the "boundaries" you outline.

Now, that being said, you are perfectly right to refuse to have your MIL as a third parent if her decisions and parenting style make you uncomfortable. But in that case she made the right choice and made both of you a favor by not taking care of DC2.

"the house had to be clean when she got home" = my oh my, imagine a DH setting that rule for a SAHM. He would be stoned to death on DCUM. Not more appropriate for a MIL. [/quote]

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