MIL reneging on childcare promise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't watch your kids either if you blew up at me.

Do you routinely harass your son and DIL about their reproductive choices?

Oh please. If you are close to someone, you share your strong opinions with them.

I guess it was MIL's mistake to think that she was close to her son and DIL.

My aunt, not even my mother, who helps me quite a bit with my children cannot stop asking me to have another one and that she will help me with that one too. I keep explaining to her that it is a complicated situation, but she wouldn't listen.

If I choose to have another one, I cannot then claim that it was based on her suggestion to help me save money in childcare. What nonsense is that? Talk about entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her offer and repeated assurance was a genuine factor in your family planning (and not just a bonus), meaning that you genuinely would have waited longer to have DC2 and now you're going to be under financial hardship to pay for the additional childcare, that is legitimate grounds to cut her out of your life for good, in my book.

It sounds like she doesn't respect either of you anyway, so I wouldn't hesitate at all.

The fact that you will cut your MIL out of your life because she withdrew her offer to take care of your child for a year says a lot about you, not her.

Grandma has no right to change her mind, but OP and her husband can create new boundaries.

If I had a friend who cut their MIL or mother out of their lives for something this ridiculous, I will examine that friendship with a microscope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it. DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.

NP here. I think you are being unfair blaming this on your MIL. Your MIL made the promise to care for your second child based on the same conditions that held when she watched the first grandchild. You and your husband are the ones that are changing the conditions by imposing boundaries on her behavior and care. That's fine and I understand fully the need to place boundaries on the grandparents. However, it was your decision to impose boundaries that caused her to withdraw. You can't place the blame on her for withdrawing when you and DH changed the conditions under which she agreed to care for the children. Had you left her without boundaries, she would have fulfilled her promise.

In this case, DH should understand that your new rules and boundaries are the reason that she has withdrawn her promise. She did not make the change, you did. I think you did the right thing, but you two need to bear the responsibility of the broken promise, not MIL. And you need to convince your husband that he should not be upset at his mother. Be adult and take responsibility for the action that broke the agreement. I think it's worth it and clearly, so do you. Just own it.

Exactly! OP, you broke the promise, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't impose a bunch of stipulations on your MIL and then want free childcare. That's very selfish. I agree with the above, your MIL already did you a big favor because daycare costs are serious money. If you and DH had that much of a problem with her sounds like your kid will be better off in daycare so you should be happy.

She saved you at least $13K (in the DC area).

Depending on what boundaries you put down, you might be better off with a nanny. I don't suggest day cares because each place runs with it's own rules and parents can't change those.

Where in this area is daycare only $13k?

Asking for a friend....

I would like to know too. I could really use those rates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't impose a bunch of stipulations on your MIL and then want free childcare. That's very selfish. I agree with the above, your MIL already did you a big favor because daycare costs are serious money. If you and DH had that much of a problem with her sounds like your kid will be better off in daycare so you should be happy.

She saved you at least $13K (in the DC area).

Depending on what boundaries you put down, you might be better off with a nanny. I don't suggest day cares because each place runs with it's own rules and parents can't change those.

Where in this area is daycare only $13k?

Asking for a friend....

I would like to know too. I could really use those rates

99% of in home daycares are less than that or around that price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for MIL/grandma. Nobody wants to be treated like trash.

HOW exactly is Grandma being treated like trash?

+1

[Anonymous]

You could look into hiring a nanny until your baby is older.

[Anonymous]

Update Op?

This thread was from November

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

Taking care of a baby is a lot of work and you bond with the kid. You sound really self centered, controlling and a a pain in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider it a blessing in disguise. If she can't handle you putting up any boundaries with her, you know she isn't going to respect your parenting decisions so her not watching DC2 is a good thing.

I'm much more comfortable sending my DD to daycare than I am leaving her with either my mother or MIL for babysitting. Daycare is up to date on best practices and they don't mess around when it comes to safety. MIL and my mother blow off even the most basic safety stuff (outlet covers are apparently an invention of helicopter parents, dontchaknow) so I could never trust them with the baby for any substantial amount of time.

Haha. This is actually how I feel too. I love my MIl but she always had a "housekeeper"(really a nanny) and has literally no idea how to take care of kids. She also constantly falls asleep(along with fil who does the same) and has no instinct of basic safety. So yeah, even if my mil paid US to have her watch our baby we would decline. My youngest just turned 5 and I would just now be comfortable having them have a sleep over etc... over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL stayed home with DC1 until DC turned 1, then DC went to daycare.
Then she held this over our heads for the next two-plus years to try to "convince" us to have another child -- "just do it! You won't have to pay for daycare for a year! I'll take care of DC2!" on the regular, until I exploded on her once (after many, many times politely asking her to drop it) and she finally shut up.
Now DC2 is coming very soon, and MIL has informed DH she is not going to stay home with DC2 after all. She is upset that we established some boundaries related to her behavior, mostly with DC1. She told DH she doesn't "understand boundaries" and therefore doesn't want to do it.
DH is livid. I'm partly relieved because it keeps our boundaries in place and doesn't give her the opportunity to drive me nuts crossing them, but I'm also really worried about putting my very young baby (8-12 weeks) in a daycare center. (To say nothing of the cost we didn't plan to incur for awhile, which is what DH is maddest about, but we shouldn't have had a baby if we couldn't afford it, ultimately.) I think when it comes time for daycare I will be very resentful toward her.
I am well aware she does not owe us to stay home with DC2, she has no obligation to do so. I just wish she hadn't said she would for so long then changed her mind. It's also hard to deal with DH being so worked up about it because it creates a lot of tension in the relationship with MIL, which of course is fraught enough as it is.
More a vent than anything, but any advice? Any way to run interference on something that's most likely going to get much worse when daycare time rolls around? I've posted here before about MIL and it was good to see the different points of view and consider different perspectives.

You all sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for MIL/grandma. Nobody wants to be treated like trash.

HOW exactly is Grandma being treated like trash?

Op admits she exploded at her, now she doesn’t want to help them.

It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't impose a bunch of stipulations on your MIL and then want free childcare. That's very selfish. I agree with the above, your MIL already did you a big favor because daycare costs are serious money. If you and DH had that much of a problem with her sounds like your kid will be better off in daycare so you should be happy.

She saved you at least $13K (in the DC area).

Depending on what boundaries you put down, you might be better off with a nanny. I don't suggest day cares because each place runs with it's own rules and parents can't change those.

Where in this area is daycare only $13k?

Asking for a friend....

I would like to know too. I could really use those rates

99% of in home daycares are less than that or around that price.

Ours is $1700/month. Where are you located where they're $1300?

[Anonymous]

Put yourself in MIL shoes for a moment. She was using her retirement time to watch your 1st child without compensation. That is a huge deal - basically once she was actively watching dc1, it was like a job where she had responsibilities and couldn’t just sleep in, pick up and go etc. You saved a crapload of money. From what you said she was too involved in your life. I get that. While the ideal situation for you would have been childcare for free for dc2 with no strings and firm boundaries for her the ideal situation would have been taking on that responsibility and getting to be more involved in your life. So while you feel disappointed by the financial implications, realize no one is getting what they wanted in this situation and there may not have been a compromise that everyone could be happy with. All you can do now is move forward with the relationship and for both sides to let the negative feeling go.

[Anonymous]

Stop having kids you can't afford and stop being ungrateful for your MIL. Have either of you morons considered sincerely apologizing for being ridiculous? I think it's great she's not going to provide free childcare for you. Can't have your cake and eat it too, OP! Grow up.