staying in marriage with mentally ill partner
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
If my spouse had cancer and refused treatment and was abusive, I would divorce him. There is no difference. She doesn't sound like an asshole at all, but he sure does. |
Anonymous
+1. Just to use a comparable analogy. If your spouse had dementia of Alzheimer's and was inappropriately hypersexual with you and other people, was spending money like crazy, was angry and emotionally volatile, that is the point at which you would probably arrange for institutional care (assuming you could afford it). Because your partner with Alzheimer's likely already had a diagnosis, which was accepted by all, you might even have arranged in advance for health and financial powers of attorney so you could handle this situation safely. No one would shame you for "leaving your marriage". In fact, your friends, family and medical professionals would support you in many ways to do this. What I've described as Alzheimer's dementia is very similar to manic and depressive cycles. The difference is that due to stigma, medical professionals often won't share information about the mental illness diagnosis with family caretakers. The patient him/herself may not accept the diagnosis and may refuse to allow supports to be put in place to manage the mental illness in it's worse stages. The stigma also means that friends and family members often don't know or keep their distance, so there is no help there. As a person who has been thru this, I can tell you that it really doesn't matter if the person who is yelling at you and emotionally volatile is ill with a "regular" illness, ill with a "mental illness," or just an abusive asshole. The effect is the same. Family members cannot expected to live long term with abusive behavior. A few months while treatment is started might be manageable, but more than that is asking too much of any human being. After all, we have a duty to put our own oxygen masks on first -- I cannot take care of my ill spouse (whether or not we remain together) or our kids or myself under abusiv conditions. |
Anonymous
|
I am 19:51 with the husband with untreated ADHD and possible other disorders. My husband has an MD and PhD and can find a job because of his extremely high IQ, his degrees and wealth of experience, just not keep a job. On the surface, everything looks FINE. And in our house, it's a disaster. No one except my best friend knows how hard it is. My husband DID NOT present like this before marriage!!! Otherwise I would never have married him - duh. The reason he can't cope now is because he has a ton more responsibilities he didn't have when I met him. Senior position at work, two kids, one with issues, house maintenance, health problems in the family, and the rest of normal Life, and that's how people with previously invisible weaknesses crash and burn once they are loaded up with a full plate, while the rest of us manage more or less well. This thread has had an influx of ignorant and highly critical people coming in. You are SO LUCKY to be ignorant like this! Try to be understanding as well. |
Anonymous
OP, I am about 12 years out from diagnosis and 14 years out from obvious behavioral signs that something was wrong. My ex has bipolar disorder. I do believe that some people with bipolar can get on medication and be self-aware enough to be reasonably good partners. In our situation, that wasn't the case. In the first couple of years, I interpreted a wide variety of manic and depressive behaviors to him being unhappy in the relationship. We sought counseling. During counseling, I had made it clear that my non-negotiables for staying in the relationship were: 1) seeing psychiatrist regularly, 2) seeing therapist regularly 3) allowing family participation with both psychiatrist and therapist 4) taking all meds as prescribed daily 5) no alcohol or drug use other than meds as prescribed 6) monogamy and 7) complete honesty. After a period of time (a year or so), I evaluated whether he was compliant with my non-negotiables in the relationship and he hadn't been in many, many ways. I told him our relationship was over. It took about 2 1/2 years from initial inappropriate behaviors to me ending the relationship. The end of our relationship was a surprise to him (although it shouldn't have been at all). He went back to treatment with a new doctor and about 6 months later, he was diagnosed with bipolar. The next 2 years or so, we had a very high degree of contact. By agreement, he did not have any custody of his children, although he came over to my house several times a week to eat dinner with them and generally spent 1 weekend day with them, often with me accompanying depending on what they were doing and how ill they seemed. We spent family holidays together with his family or mine. He made a couple of sexual overtures over the next couple of years, which I rebuffed politely since reconciliation was never really an option for me given the behaviors that went on during the relationship and his unwillingness or inability to commit to regular medications and to not drinking. Over about 8 more years, I maintained physical custody and he continued to be welcome in my home for visitation on a regular schedule. Depending on how stable he is, he comes more or less. In the beginning, I used to be angry that he wasn't doing 50% and tried to convince him, but very quickly I saw that I really had no influence and maybe he just really couldn't be the kind of dad that spent that much time with them. Over years 10-12, the kids are much older. I rarely accompany him on weekend outings. He still comes over for dinner a couple times a week. I can't really rely on him for any kind of long term parenting commitment (carpools, school stuff, parenting issues, etc.) I've learned that I can't really rely on him so I mostly don't ask any more. The whole time since we split (and before), he has been dating. For a long time he didn't involve the kids, which was good because many of the women were train wrecks. Recently, he got married. The new wife doesn't know about his bipolar. She thinks he just has depression and anxiety. She has convinced him to reduce visitation, which was disappointing for the kids. Initially, I encouraged him to have the kids over to the home of his new wife, which he moved into. But, the few times they had the kids over, they left them alone to go out. They've never really made rooms or space for the kids in their home, so naturally the kids don't feel so welcome. Recently, exDH's bipolar has been deteriorating in my opinion. He exploded in anger at me in my own home over something trivial. It had been clear to me that he was in a depressed state, but I had been able to tolerate his passive-agressiveness. However, the outburst scared both my children. I've been reflecting on this, and over the next few months I will have to think about how to change our situation so there is less contact between me and him and how the kids can safely see him without my presence. The kids are getting older. I have told them both about his illness (with his knowledge) and hopefully they are better able to manage their interactions with him on their own. I am lucky that through all this, he has never been physically violent. Nonetheless, I would describe some of the behavior generated by the illness as verbal or emotionally abusive. It's very tricky to manage how much to interact with him, and doing so comes at a great cost to our health, finances and professional/academic opportunities. In retrospect, I will say that although the 2 1/2 years of trying to work things out were very difficult, it did give me the peace of mind when I finally ended it, to know that I had made the absolute right decision. I have never looked back and wondered "what if". I did what was reasonable at the time, based on what I knew at the time. Having this degree of certainty about separation was very helpful. That said, that limbo period of time took a tremendous toll on me, and I should have felt entirely comfortable ending the relationship based on the first behavioral incident even prior to diagnosis. |
Anonymous
If you had bothered to read the thread, you would have seen that one DH is a doctor, an XDH is a government employee, and so on. You, of course, are simply a jerk. |
Anonymous
In fact, ADHD can become a big, obvious problem in stressful jobs that require a lot of mental work. You know, DC-type jobs. |