Reply to staying in marriage with mentally ill partner

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You do realize what a complete asshole you would sound like if you substituted any other illness in here, right?  
Like, staying in marriage when spouse has cancer. 
It’s an illness. 
Grow up. [/quote]

If my spouse had cancer and refused treatment and was abusive, I would divorce him.  There is no difference.  She doesn't sound like an asshole at all, but he sure does.[/quote]

+1.  Just to use a comparable analogy.  If your spouse had dementia of Alzheimer's and was inappropriately hypersexual with you and other people, was spending money like crazy, was angry and emotionally volatile, that is the point at which you would probably arrange for institutional care (assuming you could afford it).  Because your partner with Alzheimer's likely already had a diagnosis, which was accepted by all, you might even have arranged in advance for health and financial powers of attorney so you could handle this situation safely.  No one would shame you for "leaving your marriage".  In fact, your friends, family and medical professionals would support you in many ways to do this.

What I've described as Alzheimer's dementia is very similar to manic and depressive cycles.  The difference is that due to stigma, medical professionals often won't share information about the mental illness diagnosis with family caretakers.  The patient him/herself may not accept the diagnosis and may refuse to allow supports to be put in place to manage the mental illness in it's worse stages.  The stigma also means that friends and family members often don't know or keep their distance, so there is no help there.

As a person who has been thru this, I can tell you that it really doesn't matter if the person who is yelling at you and emotionally volatile is ill with a "regular" illness, ill with a "mental illness," or just an abusive asshole.  The effect is the same.  Family members cannot expected to live long term with abusive behavior.  A few months while treatment is started might be manageable, but more than that is asking too much of any human being.  After all, we have a duty to put our own oxygen masks on first -- I cannot take care of my ill spouse (whether or not we remain together) or our kids or myself under abusiv conditions.   [/quote]

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