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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Has anyone rebuilt a relationship with a mentally ill partner? Not something like schizophrenia or a serious drug addiction, but something that nevertheless pervasively impacts your life:  depression, BPD, severe anxiety, stuff like that.  What agreements did you make with your partner to be able to stay in the relationship?

For context - spouse has severe untreated ADHD and depression.  I am almost out the door, but I feel like there could be a chance if s/he could be self aware about the issue, commit to treatment, and help us (as a family) develop coping mechanisms.

I'm not super hopeful about this, but I figure it is an avenue that should be explored, as there are children involved.  I just don't know what it would "look" like if successful.  [/quote]

OP, I am about 12 years out from diagnosis and 14 years out from obvious behavioral signs that something was wrong.  My ex has bipolar disorder.  I do believe that some people with bipolar can get on medication and be self-aware enough to be reasonably good partners.  In our situation, that wasn't the case.

In the first couple of years, I interpreted a wide variety of manic and depressive behaviors to him being unhappy in the relationship.  We sought counseling.  During counseling, I had made it clear that my non-negotiables for staying in the relationship were: 1) seeing psychiatrist regularly, 2) seeing therapist regularly 3) allowing family participation with both psychiatrist and therapist 4) taking all meds as prescribed daily 5) no alcohol or drug use other than meds as prescribed 6) monogamy and 7) complete honesty.  After a period of time (a year or so), I evaluated whether he was compliant with my non-negotiables in the relationship and he hadn't been in many, many ways. I told him our relationship was over.  It took about 2 1/2 years from initial inappropriate behaviors to me ending the relationship.

The end of our relationship was a surprise to him (although it shouldn't have been at all).   He went back to treatment with a new doctor and about 6 months later, he was diagnosed with bipolar.

The next 2 years or so, we had a very high degree of contact.  By agreement, he did not have any custody of his children, although he came over to my house several times a week to eat dinner with them and generally spent 1 weekend day with them, often with me accompanying depending on what they were doing and how ill they seemed.  We spent family holidays together with his family or mine.  He made a couple of sexual overtures over the next couple of years, which I rebuffed politely since reconciliation was never really an option for me given the behaviors that went on during the relationship and his unwillingness or inability to commit to regular medications and to not drinking.

Over about 8 more years, I maintained physical custody and he continued to be welcome in my home for visitation on a regular schedule.  Depending on how stable he is, he comes more or less.  In the beginning, I used to be angry that he wasn't doing 50% and tried to convince him, but very quickly I saw that I really had no influence and maybe he just really couldn't be the kind of dad that spent that much time with them.

Over years 10-12, the kids are much older.  I rarely accompany him on weekend outings.  He still comes over for dinner a couple times a week.  I can't really rely on him for any kind of long term parenting commitment (carpools, school stuff, parenting issues, etc.)  I've learned that I can't really rely on him so I mostly don't ask any more.

The whole time since we split (and before), he has been dating.  For a long time he didn't involve the kids, which was good because many of the women were train wrecks.  Recently, he got married.  The new wife doesn't know about his bipolar.  She thinks he just has depression and anxiety.  She has convinced him to reduce visitation, which was disappointing for the kids.  Initially, I encouraged him to have the kids over to the home of his new wife, which he moved into.  But, the few times they had the kids over, they left them alone to go out.  They've never really made rooms or space for the kids in their home, so naturally the kids don't feel so welcome.

Recently, exDH's bipolar has been deteriorating in my opinion.  He exploded in anger at me in my own home over something trivial.  It had been clear to me that he was in a depressed state, but I had been able to tolerate his passive-agressiveness.  However, the outburst scared both my children.  I've been reflecting on this, and over the next few months I will have to think about how to change our situation so there is less contact between me and him and how the kids can safely see him without my presence.  The kids are getting older.  I have told them both about his illness (with his knowledge) and hopefully they are better able to manage their interactions with him on their own.

I am lucky that through all this, he has never been physically violent.  Nonetheless, I would describe some of the behavior generated by the illness as verbal or emotionally abusive.  It's very tricky to manage how much to interact with him, and doing so comes at a great cost to our health, finances and professional/academic opportunities.

In retrospect, I will say that although the 2 1/2 years of trying to work things out were very difficult, it did give me the peace of mind when I finally ended it, to know that I had made the absolute right decision.  I have never looked back and wondered "what if".  I did what was reasonable at the time, based on what I knew at the time.  Having this degree of certainty about separation was very helpful.  That said, that limbo period of time took a tremendous toll on me, and I should have felt entirely comfortable ending the relationship based on the first behavioral incident even prior to diagnosis.  [/quote]

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