staying in marriage with mentally ill partner

[Anonymous]

Has anyone rebuilt a relationship with a mentally ill partner? Not something like schizophrenia or a serious drug addiction, but something that nevertheless pervasively impacts your life: depression, BPD, severe anxiety, stuff like that. What agreements did you make with your partner to be able to stay in the relationship?

For context - spouse has severe untreated ADHD and depression. I am almost out the door, but I feel like there could be a chance if s/he could be self aware about the issue, commit to treatment, and help us (as a family) develop coping mechanisms.

I'm not super hopeful about this, but I figure it is an avenue that should be explored, as there are children involved. I just don't know what it would "look" like if successful.

[Anonymous]

It would depend on the severity of the situation and we are only hearing your side. Please provide specific examples of your spouse's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the severity of the situation and we are only hearing your side. Please provide specific examples of your spouse's behavior.

Just interested in hearing a variety of stories where there is a mentally ill spouse, not discussing "my side" or the particulars. I think I've made the severity level clear -- able to (mostly) function in society/hold down a job, but very troubled nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

What about for better or worse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about for better or worse!

I didn't actually make that vow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone rebuilt a relationship with a mentally ill partner? Not something like schizophrenia or a serious drug addiction, but something that nevertheless pervasively impacts your life: depression, BPD, severe anxiety, stuff like that. What agreements did you make with your partner to be able to stay in the relationship?

For context - spouse has severe untreated ADHD and depression. I am almost out the door, but I feel like there could be a chance if s/he could be self aware about the issue, commit to treatment, and help us (as a family) develop coping mechanisms.

I'm not super hopeful about this, but I figure it is an avenue that should be explored, as there are children involved. I just don't know what it would "look" like if successful.

This is your avenue.

What it looks like is things are better. Sometimes they're really, really good. And sometimes you're incredibly resentful that you do all the mental lifting for the family, and can't even rely on a Mother's Day card. Or, for that matter, that DH can even manage to do what he needs to do for work.

My husband has treated ADHD and treated depression/anxiety. 70% of the time, things are fine. 30% of the time, I daydream about going back in time and choosing another life.

FWIW, we have enough money to hire help, and DH is very aware of his challenges. Our second child was what really made his issues clear, and when I insisted he get a diagnosis and treatment, because I thought I was losing my mind. It was like living in a fun house, like we were experiencing two completely different realities.

[Anonymous]

DH and I promised we'd be a team in sickness and in health. We both have mental illnesses and we both do our best. In the absence of breaking vows, we're both sticking with each other. It looks like...imperfection, lots of restarting, lots of struggle, and trying and forgiving and trying again. It's home and it's forever so there's that.

[Anonymous]

My husband has NPD, and ADHD. He will not seek treatment (there really isn’t treatment for NPD anyway). I agreed to in sickness and in health, but I did not sign up to be emotionally/physically abused, so I am leaving.

[Anonymous]

It would "look" like your spouse getting treatment for the mental illness:
-taking meds
-going to therapy
-exercising regularly

And...
-communicating with you
-being available as a partner and co-parent

[Anonymous]

I have been living this for years and have decided to stay, because he is not violent physically and therefore will get partial custody, and then he will traumatize the kids during his custody time. Plus we do not make enough to make splitting households financially comfortable.

If we all live together, I can correct some of the behaviors that he lets me correct, rescue the kids from his occasional rages, irrational viewpoints and constant tardiness and stress, as well as make important educational, medical and social decisions that he would be unable to make.

My husband officially has ADHD that he refuses to treat. It explains his inability to get organized or manage his time, and perhaps his bad moods, but I'm not sure it explains his occasional flat-out crazy episodes (like getting out of the car and refusing to come back inside in the middle of a hot desert-like national park unless he got his way) or his remarkable lack of empathy towards others, even young children, even his own kids (he was empathetic enough when we dated, and then it all evaporated). I suspect he may be on the autism spectrum, but it would be hard to diagnose and there is no magic pill like for ADHD.

Examples of his most egregious behavior:

- Refusing to walk to the pharmacy to get heartbeat-regulating meds for me when I had a health crisis. He was upset because I had apparently dissed him that morning, and thought that endangering my health was fair game in a fight. I was rushed to the ER that night. Kicker: he's a doctor!

- He is regularly let go of his job positions, because he's not productive (untreated ADHD) and doesn't get a lot of non-verbal cues and subtle messaging. We depend on his job for health insurance, but he procrastinated so badly that he missed the deadline to sign us up for health insurance. We have spent months without it, and have therefore spent thousands on critical meds that I need to take daily.

I can live without little attentions. I can be the sole manager and scheduler for the family, even though it's hard, because predictably my son also has ADHD, which I fought to have diagnosed and treated. But it's really hard to live with someone who after losing so many jobs and messing up so badly, can look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't need to take his ADHD meds. And that he feels abused by me (the opposite is true), that I'm too controlling, that we're fine, the kids are fine, I worry too much, etc... He's not even lying, he really believes it. He is tolerant of a level of risk that most people couldn't live with.

Maybe he has some level of disassociation with reality. I don't know what the medical term would be. His father was bipolar, his nephew has been diagnosed with Asperger's and suicidal depression - mental illness runs in the family. Had I known all this, I would not have married him. But now it's best I stay to protect the kids.

[Anonymous]

Pp again - to answer your question:

The most critical issue is keeping the job he has, meeting deadlines and doing the relevant administrative paperwork.
So I ask him about his work, ask him when his deliverables are, the deadlines, etc.
It's a vicious circle, because of course it can devolve into nagging, but I wouldn't need to nag if he took his ADHD meds, which he refuses to do.

When he's in a good mood, we can talk about anything. He starts getting riled up when the pressure accumulates, and he's starting to realize he might not finish on time, and that's when all hell can break loose, and he can fly into screams and accusations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have been living this for years and have decided to stay, because he is not violent physically and therefore will get partial custody, and then he will traumatize the kids during his custody time. Plus we do not make enough to make splitting households financially comfortable.

If we all live together, I can correct some of the behaviors that he lets me correct, rescue the kids from his occasional rages, irrational viewpoints and constant tardiness and stress, as well as make important educational, medical and social decisions that he would be unable to make.

My husband officially has ADHD that he refuses to treat. It explains his inability to get organized or manage his time, and perhaps his bad moods, but I'm not sure it explains his occasional flat-out crazy episodes (like getting out of the car and refusing to come back inside in the middle of a hot desert-like national park unless he got his way) or his remarkable lack of empathy towards others, even young children, even his own kids (he was empathetic enough when we dated, and then it all evaporated). I suspect he may be on the autism spectrum, but it would be hard to diagnose and there is no magic pill like for ADHD.

Examples of his most egregious behavior:

- Refusing to walk to the pharmacy to get heartbeat-regulating meds for me when I had a health crisis. He was upset because I had apparently dissed him that morning, and thought that endangering my health was fair game in a fight. I was rushed to the ER that night. Kicker: he's a doctor!

- He is regularly let go of his job positions, because he's not productive (untreated ADHD) and doesn't get a lot of non-verbal cues and subtle messaging. We depend on his job for health insurance, but he procrastinated so badly that he missed the deadline to sign us up for health insurance. We have spent months without it, and have therefore spent thousands on critical meds that I need to take daily.

I can live without little attentions. I can be the sole manager and scheduler for the family, even though it's hard, because predictably my son also has ADHD, which I fought to have diagnosed and treated. But it's really hard to live with someone who after losing so many jobs and messing up so badly, can look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't need to take his ADHD meds. And that he feels abused by me (the opposite is true), that I'm too controlling, that we're fine, the kids are fine, I worry too much, etc... He's not even lying, he really believes it. He is tolerant of a level of risk that most people couldn't live with.

Maybe he has some level of disassociation with reality. I don't know what the medical term would be. His father was bipolar, his nephew has been diagnosed with Asperger's and suicidal depression - mental illness runs in the family. Had I known all this, I would not have married him. But now it's best I stay to protect the kids.

This sounds like BPD not autism.

[Anonymous]

Oh, gosh, OP, I'm sorry. My son has ADHD, and when he started taking medication, it was like night and day. So much better. He also gets weekly therapy and that helps, too.

But I had no idea the difference would be so big. At minimum, here, your partner has to get evaluated, treated, and likely therapy. The depression could also be caused, in part, by untreated ADHD. So that might lessen as well as situational issues become easier for him/her to cope with, and s/he is more successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would "look" like your spouse getting treatment for the mental illness:
-taking meds
-going to therapy
-exercising regularly

And...
-communicating with you
-being available as a partner and co-parent

This. Dh has OCD, so a totally different sort of problem. But he recognizes that he has a problem, actively manages it, and works hard to minimize its impact on our life together. If he didn't do those things, I would've left a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have been living this for years and have decided to stay, because he is not violent physically and therefore will get partial custody, and then he will traumatize the kids during his custody time. Plus we do not make enough to make splitting households financially comfortable.

If we all live together, I can correct some of the behaviors that he lets me correct, rescue the kids from his occasional rages, irrational viewpoints and constant tardiness and stress, as well as make important educational, medical and social decisions that he would be unable to make.

My husband officially has ADHD that he refuses to treat. It explains his inability to get organized or manage his time, and perhaps his bad moods, but I'm not sure it explains his occasional flat-out crazy episodes (like getting out of the car and refusing to come back inside in the middle of a hot desert-like national park unless he got his way) or his remarkable lack of empathy towards others, even young children, even his own kids (he was empathetic enough when we dated, and then it all evaporated). I suspect he may be on the autism spectrum, but it would be hard to diagnose and there is no magic pill like for ADHD.

Examples of his most egregious behavior:

- Refusing to walk to the pharmacy to get heartbeat-regulating meds for me when I had a health crisis. He was upset because I had apparently dissed him that morning, and thought that endangering my health was fair game in a fight. I was rushed to the ER that night. Kicker: he's a doctor!

- He is regularly let go of his job positions, because he's not productive (untreated ADHD) and doesn't get a lot of non-verbal cues and subtle messaging. We depend on his job for health insurance, but he procrastinated so badly that he missed the deadline to sign us up for health insurance. We have spent months without it, and have therefore spent thousands on critical meds that I need to take daily.

I can live without little attentions. I can be the sole manager and scheduler for the family, even though it's hard, because predictably my son also has ADHD, which I fought to have diagnosed and treated. But it's really hard to live with someone who after losing so many jobs and messing up so badly, can look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't need to take his ADHD meds. And that he feels abused by me (the opposite is true), that I'm too controlling, that we're fine, the kids are fine, I worry too much, etc... He's not even lying, he really believes it. He is tolerant of a level of risk that most people couldn't live with.

Maybe he has some level of disassociation with reality. I don't know what the medical term would be. His father was bipolar, his nephew has been diagnosed with Asperger's and suicidal depression - mental illness runs in the family. Had I known all this, I would not have married him. But now it's best I stay to protect the kids.

Wow PP, your DH and mine sound VERY similar. (This is OP.) I think my DH's one saving grace is that he is very good to our son (no rages towards him -- only towards me) and has managed to keep his jobs as long as I have known him (although previously that was not the case). I wouldn't leave him unless he agreed to a custody schedule that allowed me to be satisfied that I was keeping our DS in good health/safe. PS I haven't had the "walking out of the car in a desert" but I have had the "pulling over on the shoulder of a busy interstate because I wasn't reading the map right" and "speeding up on purpose when I asked him to slow down on a twisty road." But the worst was probably the utter callousness and deliberate interfering with my own health needs, like your heart situation. I'm sure to other people this just sounds like simple abusive/dickish stuff, but to me it also seems like some kind of disassociation with reality, as you put it.