staying in marriage with mentally ill partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again - to answer your question:

The most critical issue is keeping the job he has, meeting deadlines and doing the relevant administrative paperwork.
So I ask him about his work, ask him when his deliverables are, the deadlines, etc.
It's a vicious circle, because of course it can devolve into nagging, but I wouldn't need to nag if he took his ADHD meds, which he refuses to do.

When he's in a good mood, we can talk about anything. He starts getting riled up when the pressure accumulates, and he's starting to realize he might not finish on time, and that's when all hell can break loose, and he can fly into screams and accusations.

OP here. For better or for worse (maybe better?) my DH's coping mechanism is complete withdrawal while he's stressed due to work. If I just leave him completely alone, he keeps to himself. But this means I literally won't see him for days.

[Anonymous]

Hi my wife is severly depressed pretty much always and I am burned out. What happens to the kids if I leave?

[Anonymous]

Zoo, if your DH has BPD or NPD, which it sounds like he might, then there is no cure, really. Is he recognizing he has a problem and willing to seek help? That’s key - generally people with personality disorders cannot do this, and project all value for their dysfunction on their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zoo, if your DH has BPD or NPD, which it sounds like he might, then there is no cure, really. Is he recognizing he has a problem and willing to seek help? That’s key - generally people with personality disorders cannot do this, and project all value for their dysfunction on their partners.

^^ typos - meant OP, not zoo. Also - meant that people with NPD blame others for their dysfunction, and won’t take responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I’m the spouse.

I have PTSD and anxiety. I also have some major health issues.

So good days and bad days. I “own” my issues and praise my DH to high heaven for his patience, help, good humor, and devotion.

A good sex life really helps and we prioritize that.

Our marriage isn’t heaven, but it’s happy and healthy.

That said, my ex had undertreated ADHD and (at that time) multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses.

All I knew was that I was doing all the heavy lifting and then being abused verbally, emotionally, and eventually physically. It was hell.

He then repeated this pattern with another wife. She got out faster than I did (no kids).

My takeaway is that treatment is key. Without proper treatment, the ill spouse cannot be a full participant in any attempt to grow a marriage. Without treatment, the non-ill spouse lacks a baseline to see if this really is who they want to be married to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Zoo, if your DH has BPD or NPD, which it sounds like he might, then there is no cure, really. Is he recognizing he has a problem and willing to seek help? That’s key - generally people with personality disorders cannot do this, and project all value for their dysfunction on their partners.

^^ typos - meant OP, not zoo. Also - meant that people with NPD blame others for their dysfunction, and won’t take responsibility.

People with ADHD can also lack the executive functioning skills to recognize how their actions/inactions impact themselves or others. I’ve seen adults with ADHD absolutely puzzled why their coworkers or a coffee shop full of strangers are suddenly annoyed with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi my wife is severly depressed pretty much always and I am burned out. What happens to the kids if I leave?

They become parentificated trying to parent each other and take care of mom. Google it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Zoo, if your DH has BPD or NPD, which it sounds like he might, then there is no cure, really. Is he recognizing he has a problem and willing to seek help? That’s key - generally people with personality disorders cannot do this, and project all value for their dysfunction on their partners.

^^ typos - meant OP, not zoo. Also - meant that people with NPD blame others for their dysfunction, and won’t take responsibility.

OP here. This is the core of it for me - can he take responsibility? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

To those of you in really horrible situations, i’m really sorry. For the OP I would insist on treatment, else divorce.

We have dealt with my mental illness in my marriage a few times. I have needed treatment for anxiety as well as postpartum depression. The deal is though that I can recognize when I’m going downhill and seek help.

My DH is Incredibly supportive and takes on more household work And does what is necessary for me to get self-care time. He also sleep trained our youngest child while I slept in the guestroom with earplugs because that was necessary.

So, yes, it creates a burden on him, but I also do everything I’m supposed to be doing to get better. And, with both the most recent episode of anxiety and the postpartum depression I have hardly gotten better pretty quickly.

That to me is how it’s supposed to look like – – dealing with it like any other illness. I’m really lucky to have insight into my illness – – it sounds like the OP’s husband doesn’t, And the work it’s gonna take you to get them to see it I don’t envy you at all.

[Anonymous]

OP and others here, I hear you. My XDH has severe depression that was ineffectively treated with Prozac, plus untreated anxiety and undertreated ADHD. I also think he may have bipolar: for the first six months after leaving me, he spent like there was no tomorrow, dated widely from OK Cupid, bought a new sports car, traveled, and then at month sixth he crashed and was admitted to a psych ward. I don't know if he has a formal bipolar diagnosis, and I won't find out now, but it seems likely to me. XDH has two siblings, one of whom is on SSDI for various severe mental issues and a second who has been fired from multiple jobs, most recently after 5 months, and who probably suffers from similar undiagnosed or undertreated mental illnesses.

Our marriage was tough, in part because several of his issues went untreated or undertreated. I begged him to go to couples counseling, to no avail. His money habits were atrocious and after the divorce I was on the hook for his $50K in debt, despite the fact that we both earn in the six figures. We definitely had the typical ADHD parent-child dynamic going on, where I picked up after him in the kitchen at least (we were getting mice, ants, fruit flies and moths) and did all the moral and logistical heavy lifting for the family.

I have big shoulders and was able to handle the logistics and maid service. I didn't even complain, although occasionally I'd point out stuff. Why? Because I understand that ADHD, depression and anxiety are illnesses, although I wish he had done more about treating them. He would, however, comment that he felt pressured when I cleaned up his lunch after he left food out on the counter for a few hours, etc. The only reason he managed to hold down a job is because he was in a minor government agency where they couldn't actually fire him, although he got repeated bad reviews.

Unfortunately, XDH had a range of mental defenses that don't necessarily have to come with mental illness. XDH embraced low achievement. Like his siblings, he's low achieving: extremely entitled but unwilling and unable to work for the gadgets and cars and lifestyle to which he thinks he's entitled. XDH told me multiple times that his extended family (siblings, cousins) usually "drop out" (said in a proud tone) from challenging jobs, marriages, and so on.

OP, here's what bothered me most: XDH tried to transfer his values and insecurities to DC2. XDH seemed incredibly threatened by DC1, to the point where he refused to pay for DC1's dream top Ivy (he said nada to stop DC1 from applying and then when DC1 got in he claimed he didn't "believe" in Ivies but said he would have been willing to pay $55K for an out-of-state public, go figure). So for DC2, he tried all the codependent and enabling strategies that his entire family is expert in. When DC2 was getting D's in high school, I'd tell DC2 to study for tomorrow's test, and XDH would tell me I was "putting too much pressure" on DC2 and XDH actually texted DC2 not to bother studying. (Bear in mind that DC2 has an IQ of 125 and doesn't have ADHD according to an extended battery of tests that we did given XDH's family history and to see if the D's were the best DC2 could do.) XDH smoked pot with DC2, refused to help pay for ACT 's SAT prep, made DC2 move mattresses to his new bachelor pad the night before DC2's first AP test of junior year (talk about mind games), urged DC2 to drop out of high school to become a guitarist, and so on, and so on.

Why is he XDH instead of DH? I didn't leave. I made a vow for in sickness and in health. XDH left. Everybody who knows him says it was part of a mid-life crisis. Plus, like many severely depressed people, he has a habit of trying to upend his and our lives every two years, becaue everything will be better if he ust had a new job, new city, new house, and I had to keep saying "no" (for example, he wanted us to move to California without either of us having jobs lined up there). Finally he decided that his life would be fine if he left me, the mortgage, and DC1's tuition, although he did in the nastiest way possible, telling everybody he was leaving to "save" DC2 (who choose to live with me for his entire remaining year before college, with DC2 telling me constantly he appreciated my structure and what an awful role model XDH had been). Unfortunately, people like XDH who think changing everything will make them happy always take their mental illnesses with them, and XDH is now living in somebody's basement to pay off all his debt.

Anyway, OP, my advice is to look for bad habits, entitlement, laziness, and and that grow out of mental illness but don't have to be tied to it. If your DH is a victim of self-serving mental rationales, get yourselves to a marriage counselor stat, and insist that he get his illnesses treated better.

If there's even the slightest possibility your DH might try to influence your kids, or use your kids as pawns, or try the type of enabling and codependent behavior on your kids that some families with endemic mental illness use on each other, that's a complete and total dealbreaker. Unfortunately, I can't recommend leaving--another thing that stopped me from leaving was not wanting DC2 to spend days at a time only in XDH's orbit. Instead, it's really imperative that your DH get the right meds, experimenting as long as necessary to find the best ones for him, and that he see a therapist to get past these behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Do all the people on here live in Woodbridge or someplace remote from the achivers in DC? I feel like I reading “Tales from the Trailer Park” Who ARE these people? I dont know anyone who functions at these low Levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and others here, I hear you. My XDH has severe depression that was ineffectively treated with Prozac, plus untreated anxiety and undertreated ADHD. I also think he may have bipolar: for the first six months after leaving me, he spent like there was no tomorrow, dated widely from OK Cupid, bought a new sports car, traveled, and then at month sixth he crashed and was admitted to a psych ward. I don't know if he has a formal bipolar diagnosis, and I won't find out now, but it seems likely to me. XDH has two siblings, one of whom is on SSDI for various severe mental issues and a second who has been fired from multiple jobs, most recently after 5 months, and who probably suffers from similar undiagnosed or undertreated mental illnesses.

Our marriage was tough, in part because several of his issues went untreated or undertreated. I begged him to go to couples counseling, to no avail. His money habits were atrocious and after the divorce I was on the hook for his $50K in debt, despite the fact that we both earn in the six figures. We definitely had the typical ADHD parent-child dynamic going on, where I picked up after him in the kitchen at least (we were getting mice, ants, fruit flies and moths) and did all the moral and logistical heavy lifting for the family.

I have big shoulders and was able to handle the logistics and maid service. I didn't even complain, although occasionally I'd point out stuff. Why? Because I understand that ADHD, depression and anxiety are illnesses, although I wish he had done more about treating them. He would, however, comment that he felt pressured when I cleaned up his lunch after he left food out on the counter for a few hours, etc. The only reason he managed to hold down a job is because he was in a minor government agency where they couldn't actually fire him, although he got repeated bad reviews.

Unfortunately, XDH had a range of mental defenses that don't necessarily have to come with mental illness. XDH embraced low achievement. Like his siblings, he's low achieving: extremely entitled but unwilling and unable to work for the gadgets and cars and lifestyle to which he thinks he's entitled. XDH told me multiple times that his extended family (siblings, cousins) usually "drop out" (said in a proud tone) from challenging jobs, marriages, and so on.

OP, here's what bothered me most: XDH tried to transfer his values and insecurities to DC2. XDH seemed incredibly threatened by DC1, to the point where he refused to pay for DC1's dream top Ivy (he said nada to stop DC1 from applying and then when DC1 got in he claimed he didn't "believe" in Ivies but said he would have been willing to pay $55K for an out-of-state public, go figure). So for DC2, he tried all the codependent and enabling strategies that his entire family is expert in. When DC2 was getting D's in high school, I'd tell DC2 to study for tomorrow's test, and XDH would tell me I was "putting too much pressure" on DC2 and XDH actually texted DC2 not to bother studying. (Bear in mind that DC2 has an IQ of 125 and doesn't have ADHD according to an extended battery of tests that we did given XDH's family history and to see if the D's were the best DC2 could do.) XDH smoked pot with DC2, refused to help pay for ACT 's SAT prep, made DC2 move mattresses to his new bachelor pad the night before DC2's first AP test of junior year (talk about mind games), urged DC2 to drop out of high school to become a guitarist, and so on, and so on.

Why is he XDH instead of DH? I didn't leave. I made a vow for in sickness and in health. XDH left. Everybody who knows him says it was part of a mid-life crisis. Plus, like many severely depressed people, he has a habit of trying to upend his and our lives every two years, becaue everything will be better if he ust had a new job, new city, new house, and I had to keep saying "no" (for example, he wanted us to move to California without either of us having jobs lined up there). Finally he decided that his life would be fine if he left me, the mortgage, and DC1's tuition, although he did in the nastiest way possible, telling everybody he was leaving to "save" DC2 (who choose to live with me for his entire remaining year before college, with DC2 telling me constantly he appreciated my structure and what an awful role model XDH had been). Unfortunately, people like XDH who think changing everything will make them happy always take their mental illnesses with them, and XDH is now living in somebody's basement to pay off all his debt.

Anyway, OP, my advice is to look for bad habits, entitlement, laziness, and and that grow out of mental illness but don't have to be tied to it. If your DH is a victim of self-serving mental rationales, get yourselves to a marriage counselor stat, and insist that he get his illnesses treated better.

If there's even the slightest possibility your DH might try to influence your kids, or use your kids as pawns, or try the type of enabling and codependent behavior on your kids that some families with endemic mental illness use on each other, that's a complete and total dealbreaker. Unfortunately, I can't recommend leaving--another thing that stopped me from leaving was not wanting DC2 to spend days at a time only in XDH's orbit. Instead, it's really imperative that your DH get the right meds, experimenting as long as necessary to find the best ones for him, and that he see a therapist to get past these behaviors.

Jesus, sweet pea.

You know you did a great job in trying to hold this together, right? That's a lot of lot, if you know what I mean. Glad you are okay and the kids can recognize healthy structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would "look" like your spouse getting treatment for the mental illness:
-taking meds
-going to therapy
-exercising regularly

And...
-communicating with you
-being available as a partner and co-parent

+1. My DH has clinical depression. He cannot go off meds. I knew this before marrying him and have never regretted my decision. He is on top of the problem (though he was not when he was younger, before me). We have a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

in sickness and health...
as long as each partner is committed to living their most healthy best life
you can't control getting cancer.
a bi-polar, ADHD, depressed... person CAN and NEEDS TO commit to always being on their medication.

Your spouse needs to 100% commit to ongoing therapy and medication for your marriage to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone rebuilt a relationship with a mentally ill partner? Not something like schizophrenia or a serious drug addiction, but something that nevertheless pervasively impacts your life: depression, BPD, severe anxiety, stuff like that. What agreements did you make with your partner to be able to stay in the relationship?

For context - spouse has severe untreated ADHD and depression. I am almost out the door, but I feel like there could be a chance if s/he could be self aware about the issue, commit to treatment, and help us (as a family) develop coping mechanisms.

I'm not super hopeful about this, but I figure it is an avenue that should be explored, as there are children involved. I just don't know what it would "look" like if successful.

I was certain that was coming while reading the first paragraph. Back again?

Get them to accept treatment or get out. You are part of the problem if you sit around doing nothing.