When did you get over your spouse's affair? Or did you?

[Anonymous]

I don't think the real evil in infidelity is the sex act itself; it's the dishonesty, the emotional betrayal, and the violation of your trust in one another. Yeah, knowing your partner had sex with someone else is really bad, but that's not the worst part IMHO.

Agree with this - it's the continuous lying, gas lighting and sneaking around that took the biggest toll on me. My XDH ended up leaving for his AP so I didn't have a choice to make in the matter but I struggled with staying for over a year all the while he was carrying on with his EA (probably physical too), picking fights with me, and I just knew something was still going on. It's an awful way to live to look someone in the eye every day and feel like they are probably lying to your face. Now looking back I'm so glad to not be with someone who is capable of that level of dishonesty towards someone who they vowed to spend their life with/have a child with.

I think if someone owns up to their actions fully and honestly puts in the effort to make things right that's one thing. The deceit is what really erodes trust and is very hard to come back from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great post 12:18. I totally agree. I appreciate you explicitly stating how being cheated upon is sexual coersion. It happened to me, including unprotected sex when I was pregnant. It's just horrifying and in still with with the effects, which yes could probably be classified as PTSD. anyway thanks for getting it and validating my experience.


And pp, no trouble in a marriage means you can deny your spouse their own agency and risk their health, so f*ck off.

F*ck off for disagreeing with you? Aren't you a peach.

Not every infidelity jeopardizes the health of the other spouse. Some are emotional entanglements and so on.

Sounds like your husband jeopardized the health of you and your child. I guess you really know how to pick 'em!

See how nice a personal attack feels?

I just told you to f*ck off because YOU said this to PP:Yes, I’m sure it was easy and felt good for you to run to friends and therapists who will sanctify you and demonize your spouse.

I don't think that comes close how nasty you just were to me.

NP.

Boy, you are nasty!

You're projecting your own issues onto PP. Not every ex husband out there did what your husband did to you.

Maybe if you saw a therapist for your issues you'll have better luck in future relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To what extent do you actually prioritize sex with your spouse? A lot, we were having sex 3 times a week when he started his 1st affair.



Are you an enthusiastic partner? Yes, more enthusiastic than he was since his new sex partner is obviously more interesting.

How often do you initiate? Every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. he worked Monday, Tuesday nights and I usually have too much wine on Friday.

How often do you reject your spouse (either explicitly or preemptively)? Only when he tried to initiate during my son's birthday party with 10 kids in the basement. Once I rejected him after I was dressed for a wedding and his parents had just arrived to the house since we were driving together. Once I rejected him in the parking garage after the movies.

Has your frequency gone down over time due to your disinterest? Sure, once he started his affair, it went down due to his disinterest.

BTW, since you are going to ask. I am not fat, I work, I make more money than him, the house is clean, I cook.


Do you have any other questions? or reasons I caused an affair.


The affair took his attention and interest away from me, not the other way around. Affairs are about lying, deceit and taking energy away from the marriage not about cumming.

If you don't want to be married leave, don't have an affair.

Yes, people are not perfect but if perfection is the stick to which I am married I don't want to be married.

It is no different than saying "the bitch had it coming"... you don't hit your spouse, you don't cheat on your spouse, you don't blame them for your drinking.

Well you aren't a hypocritical bad partner. Despite being an apparently excellent partner, sadly that does not ensure a faithful marriage.
Nobody ever said "the bitch had it coming"
The PP merely said that anybody yelling "cheating is the ultimate betrayal" should look at their own role in sustaining a healthy sexual relationship.
This seems reasonable, even if it doesn't apply to you specifically, there are plenty of hypocrites on this forum who scream "cheater" as if sex were some important sacred act, yet their own sexlife consists of a reluctant monthly starfish performance.

[Anonymous]

> To ask for statistics on people she has helped in therapy is a bit strange


What !!! Entirely reasonable to provide evidence to backup an assertion

[Anonymous]

OP here. This thread is a bit depressing. Nobody is getting over it, it appears, even if there is a good relationship. As I said initially, I wish I could get hypnotized and forget it. But the thing is, this was not a drunken one-night stand. It was a year of deception and telling me horrible things. That is part of who he is as a person. Is he reformed? He says so. But it's hard to have the same level of respect or love for someone who has shown the ability to treat me so badly. He is definitely not who I thought he was, and if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be staying. But we do have kids, who I love beyond measure, and I do still love my husband, though I now see him differently.

I guess I'm just going to try to force the thoughts out of my mind to remain sane. I suppose I've already been through it so if it happens a second time it won't be as devastating.

[Anonymous]

To everyone who says it's "easy" to demonize the cheater:

My family, my STBX's family, our mutual friends, his friends, my friends ALL know about his cheating. Only ONE person - a good girlfriend of mine - decided to cut him out/off. Everyone else continues to treat him like nothing is amiss. If anything, I have gotten grief for leaving and taking steps to divorce. So don't assume everyone is on the side of the betrayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread is a bit depressing. Nobody is getting over it, it appears, even if there is a good relationship. As I said initially, I wish I could get hypnotized and forget it. But the thing is, this was not a drunken one-night stand. It was a year of deception and telling me horrible things. That is part of who he is as a person. Is he reformed? He says so. But it's hard to have the same level of respect or love for someone who has shown the ability to treat me so badly. He is definitely not who I thought he was, and if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be staying. But we do have kids, who I love beyond measure, and I do still love my husband, though I now see him differently.

I guess I'm just going to try to force the thoughts out of my mind to remain sane. I suppose I've already been through it so if it happens a second time it won't be as devastating.

I'm a betrayed PP and I'm not understanding - why not just leave him??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone who says it's "easy" to demonize the cheater:

My family, my STBX's family, our mutual friends, his friends, my friends ALL know about his cheating. Only ONE person - a good girlfriend of mine - decided to cut him out/off. Everyone else continues to treat him like nothing is amiss. If anything, I have gotten grief for leaving and taking steps to divorce. So don't assume everyone is on the side of the betrayed.

Well, since you told “ALL” those people about it, it’s no surprise that they think you have a screw loose. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum.

I, for one, and shocked that your family values the father of your children over your ego. Imagine that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread is a bit depressing. Nobody is getting over it, it appears, even if there is a good relationship. As I said initially, I wish I could get hypnotized and forget it. But the thing is, this was not a drunken one-night stand. It was a year of deception and telling me horrible things. That is part of who he is as a person. Is he reformed? He says so. But it's hard to have the same level of respect or love for someone who has shown the ability to treat me so badly. He is definitely not who I thought he was, and if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be staying. But we do have kids, who I love beyond measure, and I do still love my husband, though I now see him differently.

I guess I'm just going to try to force the thoughts out of my mind to remain sane. I suppose I've already been through it so if it happens a second time it won't be as devastating.

I'm a betrayed PP and I'm not understanding - why not just leave him??

You'll have lots of ups and downs. Sometimes you can get flooded with the betrayal and disappointment; sometimes you'll wonder what the big deal is. Don't minimize the very real PTSD that comes from learning your spouse isn't what you thought he was.

I'm only a few months in, and I've heard it takes years. I hope that's not true here. We too are trying to work through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread is a bit depressing. Nobody is getting over it, it appears, even if there is a good relationship. As I said initially, I wish I could get hypnotized and forget it. But the thing is, this was not a drunken one-night stand. It was a year of deception and telling me horrible things. That is part of who he is as a person. Is he reformed? He says so. But it's hard to have the same level of respect or love for someone who has shown the ability to treat me so badly. He is definitely not who I thought he was, and if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be staying. But we do have kids, who I love beyond measure, and I do still love my husband, though I now see him differently.

I guess I'm just going to try to force the thoughts out of my mind to remain sane. I suppose I've already been through it so if it happens a second time it won't be as devastating.

I'm a betrayed PP and I'm not understanding - why not just leave him??

You'll have lots of ups and downs. Sometimes you can get flooded with the betrayal and disappointment; sometimes you'll wonder what the big deal is. Don't minimize the very real PTSD that comes from learning your spouse isn't what you thought he was.

I'm only a few months in, and I've heard it takes years. I hope that's not true here. We too are trying to work through it.

Same here, only a few months into the process, which explains why I’m hanging out here in this forum. No idea how long it will take , or if I will ever get over it. I Probably will never fully trust again but hope I’ll get close enough. I’ve read it takes 2 years for most people to even feel close to normal. One year befor you’re not thinking about the betrayal constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone who says it's "easy" to demonize the cheater:

My family, my STBX's family, our mutual friends, his friends, my friends ALL know about his cheating. Only ONE person - a good girlfriend of mine - decided to cut him out/off. Everyone else continues to treat him like nothing is amiss. If anything, I have gotten grief for leaving and taking steps to divorce. So don't assume everyone is on the side of the betrayed.

My exDW cheated and moved in with AP. I don’t think anyone cared

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread is a bit depressing. Nobody is getting over it, it appears, even if there is a good relationship. As I said initially, I wish I could get hypnotized and forget it. But the thing is, this was not a drunken one-night stand. It was a year of deception and telling me horrible things. That is part of who he is as a person. Is he reformed? He says so. But it's hard to have the same level of respect or love for someone who has shown the ability to treat me so badly. He is definitely not who I thought he was, and if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be staying. But we do have kids, who I love beyond measure, and I do still love my husband, though I now see him differently.

I guess I'm just going to try to force the thoughts out of my mind to remain sane. I suppose I've already been through it so if it happens a second time it won't be as devastating.

I'm a betrayed PP and I'm not understanding - why not just leave him??

You'll have lots of ups and downs. Sometimes you can get flooded with the betrayal and disappointment; sometimes you'll wonder what the big deal is. Don't minimize the very real PTSD that comes from learning your spouse isn't what you thought he was.

I'm only a few months in, and I've heard it takes years. I hope that's not true here. We too are trying to work through it.

Same here, only a few months into the process, which explains why I’m hanging out here in this forum. No idea how long it will take , or if I will ever get over it. I Probably will never fully trust again but hope I’ll get close enough. I’ve read it takes 2 years for most people to even feel close to normal. One year befor you’re not thinking about the betrayal constantly.

What about individual therapy. You need a place to vent etc and work though all the issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone who says it's "easy" to demonize the cheater:

My family, my STBX's family, our mutual friends, his friends, my friends ALL know about his cheating. Only ONE person - a good girlfriend of mine - decided to cut him out/off. Everyone else continues to treat him like nothing is amiss. If anything, I have gotten grief for leaving and taking steps to divorce. So don't assume everyone is on the side of the betrayed.

Well, since you told “ALL” those people about it, it’s no surprise that they think you have a screw loose. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum.

I, for one, and shocked that your family values the father of your children over your ego. Imagine that!

I didn't personally tell "ALL" those people that. Some I told, some he told, some we told together.

Troll score: 2.

[Anonymous]

No one but two very very close friends know the real reason my STBXH and I are divorcing. We “grew apart and took each other for granted”. I have several divorced friends who I suspect also divorced due to infidelity but it has never come out publicly. I think it’s more rare for the world to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone who says it's "easy" to demonize the cheater:

My family, my STBX's family, our mutual friends, his friends, my friends ALL know about his cheating. Only ONE person - a good girlfriend of mine - decided to cut him out/off. Everyone else continues to treat him like nothing is amiss. If anything, I have gotten grief for leaving and taking steps to divorce. So don't assume everyone is on the side of the betrayed.

Well, since you told “ALL” those people about it, it’s no surprise that they think you have a screw loose. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum.

I, for one, and shocked that your family values the father of your children over your ego. Imagine that!

I didn't personally tell "ALL" those people that. Some I told, some he told, some we told together.

Troll score: 2.

I think I know you, and your STBX didn’t tell others because he wanted to; he did it because you demanded he do it. Frankly, you’re overly controlling, and we sort of understood why he fell for someone else.