When did you get over your spouse's affair? Or did you?
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Anonymous
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Short story - married for 10 years when my husband had a year-long affair with a coworker. It seems mostly emotional (lots of lovey dovey emails, long walks, etc.), but it also turned physical towards the end (hotel rooms, etc.). My husband and I had two small kids (youngest was a baby) during the affair. Pre-affair, things weren't perfect in our marriage on both sides. For example, I was pretty emotionally distant due to a pretty dysfunctional upbringing and he was very irresponsible financially and otherwise. We definitely weren't communicating. But I thought we would get through a rough patch and soldier on because we were married and committed. Turns out, he decided to get involved with another woman and during the affair he was emotionally brutal to me, telling me he never loved me, that I was a terrible mom, etc. I finally put the pieces together and, for some reason, he broke it off with the other woman, the other woman changed jobs, and we went to counseling. He now claims to love me and says he is very ashamed and upset and that he was rewriting history when he said all of the mean things to me.
This all ended about two years ago. Still, I keep remembering all of the terrible things he said to me, and I think he really did think those things and might still even though he claims he doesn't. I would like to be hypnotized to forget it all because I am trying to stick it out because I have loved him for so long and I want to keep the family intact. I am not sure, however, that this will ever go away from my thoughts. That there will be a time when he compliments me and, internally, I will not be thinking, well that's what you say now but who knows how long until you think I am the worst person ever again. We have been in therapy and have really worked on our communication and he is much happier with me because he says that I am much more responsive, open, etc. But I am just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anyone else been through this and did it get better? What does it take? Why can't I just compartmentalize it? Or just get over it? |
Anonymous
| You can't get over it because you don't want to be married to him. And who could blame you. Get out and work on your self esteem. Don't make his issues your issues. You can be whole and healthy again, it takes time (and a bit of work). I'm sorry for your kids, but they will in the end be much better off, as will you. |
Anonymous
| Whether or not your relationship had issues is totally irrelevant to your husband's decision to lie to and betray you. That's a legitimate dealbreaker, and it's okay to walk away. Anecdotally, I tried to soldier on after my husband cheated, but once the wine's been pissed in (to use an analogy) there's no ability to pretend otherwise. |
Anonymous
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I understand, OP. It's almost three years later for me, and even with a lot of work on all sides, negative things he said to me still haunt me. I ask myself, if he could lie so convincingly all that time, and judge me and find me not good enough in so many ways, why should I believe in anything now?
It's still a work in progress, and there's much worth saving. The main thing I do is to change my focus away from him. I have a lot to heal from, and a lot of things to work on to make myself and my life better. As long as he treats me extremely well, is positive and devoted, that's got to stand as evidence for him loving and wanting me. And if he ever appears not to, I'll walk away, because one huge second chance was enough. What I tell him (and myself) is "I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty all right, and if the person I'm with doesn't find me to their taste, let them go find someone else. I only want to be with someone who appreciates me and treats me well." |
Anonymous
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A couple of years after we divorced
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Anonymous
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You should listen/read Esther Perel. She talks about marriages recovering from infidelity. Basically the marriage you had is over. You need to move forward with creating the new marriage with your husband based around who you two are now.
Also, seeing a therapist might help you work through your issues and figure out how to move forward. |
Anonymous
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Don't read Esther Perel, she is an opportunist trying to make money and does not base her opinions in research. She is the Ann Coulter of the "affair" world.
You are not over it because when things are not going well your H cheats and he has not changed that. Nobody has a perfect marriage. Plain and simple your H has terrible coping skills and that has not changed and if he gets frustrated again he will cheat. He needs to go to individual counseling and change himself. Of course he is not willing to do that. When the going get rough (and it always does), he will cheat again, then you will leave. He will be devastated and then he will finally get help but it will be too late. Will he go to individual counseling? |
Anonymous
| Are you better off with him? I could not forgive and got a divorce. I was so miserable with him that I would rather be alone than be that unhappy. |
Anonymous
+1 I second the Esther Perel recommendation. |
Anonymous
Yep, this... |
Anonymous
This times a million. It would be one thing if he was making you feel whole and confident, but he's not. Instead you're here explaining how you were partly responsible for his cheating (YOU WERE NOT). You don't deserve this. |
Anonymous
Esther Perel is horrible. You will divorce eventually, just do it now. |
Anonymous
| You will not necessarily divorce eventually. But to stay married you have to jump in head first. No pussyfooting around. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| You don't get over something like that. You learn to live with it, if that's what you want. He was in love with someone else. He acted on it. If you want to stay with him, you have to learn to deal with it. |