When did you get over your spouse's affair? Or did you?

[Anonymous]

I never will. I don't care so much about the sex, but about the lies he told me. I thought about cheating, sure, but never had it in me to pull the trigger. I can't believe he actually did it. Then he has the guile to keep doing it and lie to me. I've since realized he's not an honest man. I stayed with him because I really wanted children. I don't regret it because I love my daughter. However, I'll never think of him the same ever again

[Anonymous]

OP- I am in your exact same boat (very similar story except my husband had recently gone on a medication that exacerbated his latent issues with booze and removed seemingly all guilt from his mindset). I'm about two and a half years out. Things arent great, I won't lie, but I have for the most part gotten over the cheating in large part to individual therapy which worked REMARKABLY well at removing the need to learn every. last. little. detail and the constant obsessions over the other woman from my life. I dont care about her anymore, and don't care or even really think about them. But what Ive been left with are that the two of us just really dont get along. I respect him less, dont trust him generally with "'life stuff-finances, making good parenting choices, etc) and have separated emotionally from him to protect myself (he can be pretty emotionally abusive and is just generally a pill) and he acts out to get my attention, even if its negative. I depserately want to make it work for the kids and because I think life would be way more difficult divorced, but our relationship is just insanely volatile, and the "good times" are basically just us being civil to eachother with no underlying tension or arguing. He says Im an unsupportive bitch, and I think he needs to grow up, acknowledge how insanely supportive Ive been through what would destroy most marriages, and earn trust and love like a normal person through being nice, being trustworthy and being an emotionally stable human being. Im tired of rewarding terrible behavior. I DIGRESS. Point is, a few years after the affair, things arent great, but not yet bad enough where Im willing to uproot our lives. The upshot is that I dont think about the affair anymore (which after begging me to "seek help" for my jealousy so we could move forward, he now misses, as if it were an indication of love for him.) Trying to do the right thing can be really, really hard. Juries still out if its worth it.

[Anonymous]

About a year or two. I think my situation was a little different because it was a one time thing on a business trip and he called and told me the next day. I was hurt and unhappy, but I can't say I have never been attracted to other people (never acted on it), and if DH had not wanted our marriage to work, he would not have called himself out on it and told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About a year or two. I think my situation was a little different because it was a one time thing on a business trip and he called and told me the next day. I was hurt and unhappy, but I can't say I have never been attracted to other people (never acted on it), and if DH had not wanted our marriage to work, he would not have called himself out on it and told me.

This is different from an affair. And very rare. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone who says it's "easy" to demonize the cheater:

My family, my STBX's family, our mutual friends, his friends, my friends ALL know about his cheating. Only ONE person - a good girlfriend of mine - decided to cut him out/off. Everyone else continues to treat him like nothing is amiss. If anything, I have gotten grief for leaving and taking steps to divorce. So don't assume everyone is on the side of the betrayed.

Well, since you told “ALL” those people about it, it’s no surprise that they think you have a screw loose. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum.

I, for one, and shocked that your family values the father of your children over your ego. Imagine that!

I didn't personally tell "ALL" those people that. Some I told, some he told, some we told together.

Troll score: 2.

I think I know you, and your STBX didn’t tell others because he wanted to; he did it because you demanded he do it. Frankly, you’re overly controlling, and we sort of understood why he fell for someone else.

You clearly do not know me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I am in your exact same boat (very similar story except my husband had recently gone on a medication that exacerbated his latent issues with booze and removed seemingly all guilt from his mindset). I'm about two and a half years out. Things arent great, I won't lie, but I have for the most part gotten over the cheating in large part to individual therapy which worked REMARKABLY well at removing the need to learn every. last. little. detail and the constant obsessions over the other woman from my life. I dont care about her anymore, and don't care or even really think about them. But what Ive been left with are that the two of us just really dont get along. I respect him less, dont trust him generally with "'life stuff-finances, making good parenting choices, etc) and have separated emotionally from him to protect myself (he can be pretty emotionally abusive and is just generally a pill) and he acts out to get my attention, even if its negative. I depserately want to make it work for the kids and because I think life would be way more difficult divorced, but our relationship is just insanely volatile, and the "good times" are basically just us being civil to eachother with no underlying tension or arguing. He says Im an unsupportive bitch, and I think he needs to grow up, acknowledge how insanely supportive Ive been through what would destroy most marriages, and earn trust and love like a normal person through being nice, being trustworthy and being an emotionally stable human being. Im tired of rewarding terrible behavior. I DIGRESS. Point is, a few years after the affair, things arent great, but not yet bad enough where Im willing to uproot our lives. The upshot is that I dont think about the affair anymore (which after begging me to "seek help" for my jealousy so we could move forward, he now misses, as if it were an indication of love for him.) Trying to do the right thing can be really, really hard. Juries still out if its worth it.

I'm sorry to be callous, but how on earth is it the right thing to stay married to an emotionally abusive cheater? Who calls you a bitch??

[Anonymous]

3 or 4 years. Rarely to never think about it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread is a bit depressing. Nobody is getting over it, it appears, even if there is a good relationship. As I said initially, I wish I could get hypnotized and forget it. But the thing is, this was not a drunken one-night stand. It was a year of deception and telling me horrible things. That is part of who he is as a person. Is he reformed? He says so. But it's hard to have the same level of respect or love for someone who has shown the ability to treat me so badly. He is definitely not who I thought he was, and if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be staying. But we do have kids, who I love beyond measure, and I do still love my husband, though I now see him differently.

I guess I'm just going to try to force the thoughts out of my mind to remain sane. I suppose I've already been through it so if it happens a second time it won't be as devastating.

My dh never admitted he had an affair, but it was obvious something was going on. Ended 10 months ago and I'm not over it and can't imagine ever being truly over it. The man looked me in the eye and lied, multiple times. If it happens a second time I will file for divorce and you should, too. This is bullish!t.

[Anonymous]

Why get over it? You shouldn't get over it. That shouldn't be a goal. Your goal should be to get out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

To above: because life is messy and marriage can be a long, hard sly at times? Because shit happens and fairytales aren't real? Because you have children that deserve their parents at least TRYING to reconcile before calling it quits? Everyone makes their own choices, but not even trying to make t work, especially when there are kids involved, seems like a slap in the face to the general institution of marriage, which is more serious than finding out your college boyfriend cheated and dumping him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To above: because life is messy and marriage can be a long, hard sly at times? Because shit happens and fairytales aren't real? Because you have children that deserve their parents at least TRYING to reconcile before calling it quits? Everyone makes their own choices, but not even trying to make t work, especially when there are kids involved, seems like a slap in the face to the general institution of marriage, which is more serious than finding out your college boyfriend cheated and dumping him.

This shit drives me crazy! The slap in the face to the individual marriage, as well as the institution of marriage, occurs when one party unilaterally decides to step out on their spouse, lie about it, gaslight said spouse, and generally justify to themselves all the reasons it's okay for them to be dishonest sleazebags. No one should have to put up with sustained dishonesty, least of all from the person who VOWED to honor and cherish them, and forsake all others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To above: because life is messy and marriage can be a long, hard sly at times? Because shit happens and fairytales aren't real? Because you have children that deserve their parents at least TRYING to reconcile before calling it quits? Everyone makes their own choices, but not even trying to make t work, especially when there are kids involved, seems like a slap in the face to the general institution of marriage, which is more serious than finding out your college boyfriend cheated and dumping him.

This shit drives me crazy! The slap in the face to the individual marriage, as well as the institution of marriage, occurs when one party unilaterally decides to step out on their spouse, lie about it, gaslight said spouse, and generally justify to themselves all the reasons it's okay for them to be dishonest sleazebags. No one should have to put up with sustained dishonesty, least of all from the person who VOWED to honor and cherish them, and forsake all others.

To each her own.