Things you wish you could say to a coworker

[Anonymous]

Get off Facebook. Get off eBay. How do you manage two 45 minute coffee breaks and and extended lunch everyday?

Yes, I work for the government.

[Anonymous]

Unlike you "developoment officers" who just make a few, half-hearted phone calls and emails all day, I actually do WORK, so please leave me alone.

[Anonymous]

Stop snapping your gum.

Also, it is not generous and thoughtful to bring in leftovers that were rejected at your community potluck, only to be rejected also by your coworkers because it was gross frankenfood. Your social network is not your garbage disposal.

[Anonymous]

Stop clipping your nails and toe nails at work.

Everyone knows you are scrolling random documents and not actually working.

[Anonymous]

You would be a lot more successful at teaching English if you were able to speak English fluently.

[Anonymous]

D, the kids do not think you are cool when you tell them you don't know how to do math while you are teaching math class.
They aren't laughing with you. They don't think it is cool that you just give them As on tests when they complain that you never went over what was on the test (ie, because you don't know how to do math; in your words to them, "I'm not a math teacher, I'm a coach"). There is a faction of parents who hate you, and every year parents come in to plead that their kid doesn't end up in your class next year. I'm not even a math teacher, and I am sick of hearing parents complain to me about you at conferences for my own subject, and I am sorry for the kids who come into to my class each day complaining about you.

We all get it: you are a superstar coach, and the director thinks you are cool and wants to be your friend. But kids, teachers, and parents don't think you are a loser. Nobody talks about your coaching prowess; many people talk about what a moron you are, and the damage you are doing by robbing kids of a year of math.

Your stupid grammar mistakes in staff emails are deplorable as well.

And I resent you for every penny I paid my ds's tutor the year he was in your "class."

And I am not going to tell anyone that kids have started a youtube channel on which they post your "math class" each day.

[Anonymous]

1. Please STfU. I actually agree with most of your points, and find you intelligent, but will grow old and die before you make your point. Summarize.
2. What exactly is it that you do all day? We've all discussed and we can't figure it out. Moreover, anything you DO touch gets contaminated with idiocy, sonwe have resorted to the office quivalent of crossword puzzles and wod searches to keep you occupied.
3. I am still doing your job. I am the go-to and THAT is why people still call me directly. Stop with the puppy dog eyes.
4. Please just leave already.

These are different people of course

[Anonymous]

I hope you get fired.

[Anonymous]

You are narcissistic. There is a reason why you've been married 3 times. Your outfits are ridiculous.

Thanks, that made me feel better.

[Anonymous]

To a female coworker: "I work hard because I care about my work, not because I want to date my boss." My coworker either has trouble understanding that or wants to demean me or both. She told the boss I want him. She's just a troublemaker. And to the male boss who unquestioningly believed her and loves to talk about "my supposed crush" behind my back, just stop and please get over yourself. I have no feelings for you whatsoever. Ah, the sordid life of consulting.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is banging another woman in the same unit that we're working in.

[Anonymous]

You need to use deodorant.

[Anonymous]

Although we have individual offices, the walls are paper thin, and I hear every word you say into your phone, including the kissy sounds you make to your husband. I'm happy for you, but keep it down.

[Anonymous]

I'm tired of you making that crinkly face and you saying, "But I just don't understand," when really you mean that you just don't like this change because you won't be in control and will actually be accountable to others for your work.

[Anonymous]

You are disorganized and have the spirit of confusion so please stop wasting others time with last min noon meetings that have no agenda, besides "I thought we should get together." No no one responded to your email because we scrolled down and your question was already addressed.