impact of going part time at work on your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This had a MAJOR impact on my marriage. I simply wasn't able to do two full time jobs and that's what I was doing. My husband simply wasn't motivated to do more than yard work and occasional dishes. (Again, see "The Two-Income Trap" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who as a law professor did a huge study on this topic as it relates to personal bankruptcy.)

So what happened?

I went PT eventually but only after we came very close to divorce and our kids suffered through a lot of fighting and yelling. I think way too many women are working the "second shift." Feminism to me means recognizing the value of traditional home keeping and childrearing, splitting the duties or paying someone else to do them, NOT expecting women to work full time and then pick up the traditional stuff as well. I know maybe ONE marriage where husband does 50 percent of home and child care, even when the wife makes considerably more $, as I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This had a MAJOR impact on my marriage. I simply wasn't able to do two full time jobs and that's what I was doing. My husband simply wasn't motivated to do more than yard work and occasional dishes. (Again, see "The Two-Income Trap" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who as a law professor did a huge study on this topic as it relates to personal bankruptcy.)

So what happened?

I went PT eventually but only after we came very close to divorce and our kids suffered through a lot of fighting and yelling. I think way too many women are working the "second shift." Feminism to me means recognizing the value of traditional home keeping and childrearing, splitting the duties or paying someone else to do them, NOT expecting women to work full time and then pick up the traditional stuff as well. I know maybe ONE marriage where husband does 50 percent of home and child care, even when the wife makes considerably more $, as I did.

Don't you worry that you will be economically disadvantaged if you do divorce, because you gave up your full time work? I chose to keep working full time and outsource things, to keep my earning potential. I also really lowered my standards in terms of housekeeping I take regular vacation days, probably once every six weeks, for "me" time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This had a MAJOR impact on my marriage. I simply wasn't able to do two full time jobs and that's what I was doing. My husband simply wasn't motivated to do more than yard work and occasional dishes. (Again, see "The Two-Income Trap" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who as a law professor did a huge study on this topic as it relates to personal bankruptcy.)

So what happened?

I went PT eventually but only after we came very close to divorce and our kids suffered through a lot of fighting and yelling. I think way too many women are working the "second shift." Feminism to me means recognizing the value of traditional home keeping and childrearing, splitting the duties or paying someone else to do them, NOT expecting women to work full time and then pick up the traditional stuff as well. I know maybe ONE marriage where husband does 50 percent of home and child care, even when the wife makes considerably more $, as I did.

Don't you worry that you will be economically disadvantaged if you do divorce, because you gave up your full time work? I chose to keep working full time and outsource things, to keep my earning potential. I also really lowered my standards in terms of housekeeping I take regular vacation days, probably once every six weeks, for "me" time.

I know its a concern for me not working but I'm not so much worried about divorce as something happening to my husband but now my income potential is so low it would be a huge issue. If a parent is smart, they will make sure they have separate money in their name. When we do savings, we do it in both our names. I make sure to take money regularly into my individual checking. I also make sure that my child has 529's in each of our names with more being in mine so it will not be an issue if something happens and I can easily access it. Part of it is protecting yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

So you gave up 20% of your paid work in exchange for 100% of the housework? This is why I stay 100% at my paid job, I'd rather work than spend one day a week making the rest of the family have a smoother life.

Wow you sound selfish.

[Anonymous]

Just show some respect for women who are staying at home or working PT. If you are working FT and doing a "second shift" you don't help your own cause by denigrating traditional roles, you only enable men who want to have their cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This had a MAJOR impact on my marriage. I simply wasn't able to do two full time jobs and that's what I was doing. My husband simply wasn't motivated to do more than yard work and occasional dishes. (Again, see "The Two-Income Trap" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who as a law professor did a huge study on this topic as it relates to personal bankruptcy.)

So what happened?

I went PT eventually but only after we came very close to divorce and our kids suffered through a lot of fighting and yelling. I think way too many women are working the "second shift." Feminism to me means recognizing the value of traditional home keeping and childrearing, splitting the duties or paying someone else to do them, NOT expecting women to work full time and then pick up the traditional stuff as well. I know maybe ONE marriage where husband does 50 percent of home and child care, even when the wife makes considerably more $, as I did.

Don't you worry that you will be economically disadvantaged if you do divorce, because you gave up your full time work? I chose to keep working full time and outsource things, to keep my earning potential. I also really lowered my standards in terms of housekeeping I take regular vacation days, probably once every six weeks, for "me" time.

I did give up earning potential. I think it was necessary for my mental health. I wouldn't have had the courage to make the choice but it was made for me via a layoff. Now I realize that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

This sounds great.

It sounds great if you don't mind, or actually enjoy some of this work. If you hate every minute of it, it's not great. And therein lies the problem. This stuff has to get done in every family by somebody, whether or not there's a person in the family who can do it without wanting to blow his/her brains out by day 12 of doing it. And if there's not, the woman gets stuck with it. For some of us, the answer is to pay someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I went PT about 6 years ago (60%) after having my second child. It had become a big struggle because my job required some travel, and DH's job required a lot of after hours work and business trips. I would encourage you to go into this with your eyes wide open.

One of the issues we faced before I went PT was the sick kid days/dr appts - the nature of DH's job was often such that he couldn't take a day off on a whim. Before I went PT, he took a day off with a sick child when I had started a new job. The praise he received from coworkers was shocking to me; meanwhile my new boss kept reassuring me that it was completely ok for me to take off so early in the game. That's the only sick day DH has taken for the kids.

Now that I'm PT, I do ALL of the sick days, dr appts, camp paperwork, school paperwork, etc. Some of the latter is my fault because I don't ask him, or he's not home to ask, or it's just easier to fill out myself because I already know the dr phone number, the dentist's name, etc.

My kids are in school now and I have Fridays off completely. I use that day as "me" time and try to focus on doing things for myself. I do often do other things, but that's the general focus. We still have a housekeeper, lawn service, etc.

I just think this can be a slippery slope because you'll start to think, "oh yeah, I can swing by the drycleaner and pick up the drycleaning" or other random tasks, and then before you know it, you are doing all of it.

I've got a new PT job now, which I've learned is not PT - instead of 50%, I'm probably working 70%, which has significantly impacted my ability to do things at home. DH doesn't complain or anything, but I definitely feel pinched.

Good luck to you. There are a lot of sides to this equation.

When does your Dh get "me time'?

why is this relevant?

Maybe he'd like to go PT and get me time.

He should say that, then.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do it under 2 conditions. 1) continue to outsource some things, like cleaning person, if you do that already. You do not want to spend the extra time scrubbing the floor. 2) it would not have serious negative effects on my career.

Will you stay home with the child that day? I think an ideal would be that my kid's time in daycare 5 days would be shortened and I would have more time with kid PLUS some free time during the week for cooking exercise errands etc.This especially good if you plan on having a second.

But if it was 4 full work days and one full day at home with the kid (s), I'm not sure it would be that much more appealing than the extra salary and a nanny rather than daycare, which I found cut our workload by a lot (once we have a second we had a nanny--no more preparing bottles, meals, drop off/pick up, taking of day when kid is sick, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband and I both care about our careers and have well paid jobs (his is both more demanding with travel and higher paid but neither of us just have fun fluff jobs). We do a fairly reasonable job of splitting our domestic responsibilities but I end up picking up more of it because I'm home while he travels. In theory neither of us wants traditional gender roles though I'm sure he wouldn't mind having more of the home front responsibilities off his plate.

I have an opportunity to go to a 70% schedule at work. DH and I agree that if I do this the purpose will be to spend more time with DS, not to take on all of our other domestic work. While I wouldn't mind doing some more of it, I worry it'll be a slippery slope that once I start taking on more it'll all become mine and when I go back to FT in a couple years it'll never become not mine.

Any experience with this? Did it shift the power / workload etc balance in your relationship? Did DH start thinking of you as responsible for all of the domestic work even though you were still working outside of the home most days? Did the balance go back if you went back to work FT?

Unless you put up a Household Responsibilities List your husband will continue to think he does a lot (5 things) and you will continue to think you do a lot (25 things) and no one will know what the whole pie looks like. Especially if his father only did a sliver of things plus playtime.

I upshifted jobs when my kids were 2 and 4yo because I was sick and miserable working in my "downshifted" job with imbecile officemates. We made it work, he HAD TO step up. No more coming home "too tired to clean up". No more "I'll save it for the weekend" and missing school things, deadlines, etc. No more "I'll book that later" and then it sold out or the price drove up.

Parenting is 24/7/365. If the father of your children does not understand that and contribute, then yes, you have a very traditional old fashioned gender marriage. It's not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

My kids will never play sports because DH never teaches them. anything. And I'm working FT and trying to develop both of them, but real practice and learning will come one-on-one. Which doesn't happen in our house since he is never around or with enough energy or initiative to do something with a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

So you gave up 20% of your paid work in exchange for 100% of the housework? This is why I stay 100% at my paid job, I'd rather work than spend one day a week making the rest of the family have a smoother life.

Wow you sound selfish.

Do you think women should go part time so their husband and children have a smoother life? Really? Do you think men who choose to work full time are selfish also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just show some respect for women who are staying at home or working PT. If you are working FT and doing a "second shift" you don't help your own cause by denigrating traditional roles, you only enable men who want to have their cake and eat it too.

I don't want a traditional role. I don't denigrate women who choose not to work full time, but I do denigrate men who make it impossible for their wives to have fulfilling careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

This sounds great.

It sounds great if you don't mind, or actually enjoy some of this work. If you hate every minute of it, it's not great. And therein lies the problem. This stuff has to get done in every family by somebody, whether or not there's a person in the family who can do it without wanting to blow his/her brains out by day 12 of doing it. And if there's not, the woman gets stuck with it. For some of us, the answer is to pay someone else to do it.

Yes. I'm not getting stuck with it just because I'm the woman. It doesn't get done, or we outsource it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I went PT about 6 years ago (60%) after having my second child. It had become a big struggle because my job required some travel, and DH's job required a lot of after hours work and business trips. I would encourage you to go into this with your eyes wide open.

One of the issues we faced before I went PT was the sick kid days/dr appts - the nature of DH's job was often such that he couldn't take a day off on a whim. Before I went PT, he took a day off with a sick child when I had started a new job. The praise he received from coworkers was shocking to me; meanwhile my new boss kept reassuring me that it was completely ok for me to take off so early in the game. That's the only sick day DH has taken for the kids.

Now that I'm PT, I do ALL of the sick days, dr appts, camp paperwork, school paperwork, etc. Some of the latter is my fault because I don't ask him, or he's not home to ask, or it's just easier to fill out myself because I already know the dr phone number, the dentist's name, etc.

My kids are in school now and I have Fridays off completely. I use that day as "me" time and try to focus on doing things for myself. I do often do other things, but that's the general focus. We still have a housekeeper, lawn service, etc.

I just think this can be a slippery slope because you'll start to think, "oh yeah, I can swing by the drycleaner and pick up the drycleaning" or other random tasks, and then before you know it, you are doing all of it.

I've got a new PT job now, which I've learned is not PT - instead of 50%, I'm probably working 70%, which has significantly impacted my ability to do things at home. DH doesn't complain or anything, but I definitely feel pinched.

Good luck to you. There are a lot of sides to this equation.

When does your Dh get "me time'?

why is this relevant?

Maybe he'd like to go PT and get me time.

He should say that, then.

He definitely wouldn't want to go part time and give up the status of his job if it meant taking on 8 extra hours of family work. So why do women think this is such a good deal? "I went part time so I can power through 8 hours of household work so everyone has weekends and evenings free." Total raw deal for women.