impact of going part time at work on your marriage

[Anonymous]

Husband and I both care about our careers and have well paid jobs (his is both more demanding with travel and higher paid but neither of us just have fun fluff jobs). We do a fairly reasonable job of splitting our domestic responsibilities but I end up picking up more of it because I'm home while he travels. In theory neither of us wants traditional gender roles though I'm sure he wouldn't mind having more of the home front responsibilities off his plate.

I have an opportunity to go to a 70% schedule at work. DH and I agree that if I do this the purpose will be to spend more time with DS, not to take on all of our other domestic work. While I wouldn't mind doing some more of it, I worry it'll be a slippery slope that once I start taking on more it'll all become mine and when I go back to FT in a couple years it'll never become not mine.

Any experience with this? Did it shift the power / workload etc balance in your relationship? Did DH start thinking of you as responsible for all of the domestic work even though you were still working outside of the home most days? Did the balance go back if you went back to work FT?

[Anonymous]

My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

[Anonymous]

What does 70% look like? Just a word of warning about these arrangements - I've seen them MANY times turn into 70% in pay but 95% in work, just with more flexibility to do it at home, late at night, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

OP here - I understand that perspective. DS is only 6mo and currently in childcare ~45-50 hours a week so this would specifically be to get him more time with a parent (fun with DS definitely but not leisure time). During naps and things I'd do things that contributed to the household, not just sit around, but don't want to take on all the domestic work trying to cram it into the few hours of nap time the one day i'm home. The thing I worry about isn't so much that I pick up any of the domestic work, but that the home front permanently becomes my job and that I'll always have to manage my career around the needs of it as opposed to we both have to make homelife and work work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

So you gave up 20% of your paid work in exchange for 100% of the housework? This is why I stay 100% at my paid job, I'd rather work than spend one day a week making the rest of the family have a smoother life.

[Anonymous]

I stopped working and yes, I did end up taking on far more of the household stuff than we originally planned. It just got easier for me to do some stuff, like bill paying that he normally did but it wasn't something he expected. I prefer doing it during the day and we can have family time at night and on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Yes, do it. Keep focused on your work when you are at work and focused on home/family when you are at home/with family, and you'll find it really works well.

You shouldn't end up with 100% of the housework, but you may end up with more (easy to throw a load of laundry in during the day with kids).

The "power balance" didn't shift at all when I started working PT. But perhaps we don't have that kind of relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

So you gave up 20% of your paid work in exchange for 100% of the housework? This is why I stay 100% at my paid job, I'd rather work than spend one day a week making the rest of the family have a smoother life.

A smoother life for my family means a smoother life for me, plus healthy home cooked meals are a very high priprity for me. I don't resent doing things to create more family time and easy weeknights. Almost every night since school has been in, we have all managed a bike ride together. Would never be able to do that and eat a home cooked meal if it were not for my 80% schedule. Plus, this is such a great day. Right now Im grilling chicken breast for the week, listening to the breeze, and getting some sun. Wayyy better than being at the office right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

So you gave up 20% of your paid work in exchange for 100% of the housework? This is why I stay 100% at my paid job, I'd rather work than spend one day a week making the rest of the family have a smoother life.

And why do you think I do 100% of the housework-LOL! If only 100% could get accomplished in 8hrs, that would be pretty amazing.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you and your husband have discussed all of this in advance. And make sure you both are truly comfortable with this decision. Because it doesn't sound like you really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time. I work 4 days a week and explicitly take Monday’s off (today) to do the exact chores you do not want to do. This is because it benefits ALL of us. By me doing all that I will do today, makes it so that the entire family can enjoy each other this week. I’ve already done all of the grocery shopping, all of the laundry (or at least what was left over from the weekend), I’m headed to Costco shortly, I’m working on meal prep for the entire week so dinners will take no more than 10min to assemble, and the house will be pretty much organized from top to bottom.

Frankly I do not see my abbreviated schedule as an opportunity for leisure, while my DH has to be at the office. I see it as an opportunity for our entire family to benefit from me powering through 8 hours of domestic work, so that all of us can have healthy meals, an organized home, and parents who get off work the rest of the week and can focus on family time, not running around stressed out.

So you gave up 20% of your paid work in exchange for 100% of the housework? This is why I stay 100% at my paid job, I'd rather work than spend one day a week making the rest of the family have a smoother life.

A smoother life for my family means a smoother life for me, plus healthy home cooked meals are a very high priprity for me. I don't resent doing things to create more family time and easy weeknights. Almost every night since school has been in, we have all managed a bike ride together. Would never be able to do that and eat a home cooked meal if it were not for my 80% schedule. Plus, this is such a great day. Right now Im grilling chicken breast for the week, listening to the breeze, and getting some sun. Wayyy better than being at the office right now.

This sounds glorious. The perfect balance. I think we all could use a 3 day weekend and have that one day to prepare for the week, so that both people are not spending precious family time running errands. You still keep full time employment status, but can use that one day to do all of your doctors appointments, errands, and not have to go to the grocery store when everyone else is there. I too do a ton of meal prep and it SUCKS that it has to happen on Sundays when we really just want to hang with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I work part time and definitely do more of the housework. But, as the OP said, it's not hard to do laundry or load the dishwasher while little kids play on the floor with toys. Of course that's not what I do all day with the kids, but it is one of the reasons I work part time. When we both worked full time, evenings and weekends were just about getting stuff done. Now, a lot of that work has moved into the two days I have off and my DH and I both get more time with the kids on the weekends. I think my DH would be bothered if I was spending all day playing with the kids and he still had to miss out on time with them on the weekends doing chores and errands.

[Anonymous]

I have the opportunity to be off on Fridays but my husband told me if I did that it would mean he's canceling our once/month cleaning lady and I'd have to do those tasks. We could still definitely afford the cleaning lady once/month on a reduced schedule so I am interpreting that to mean that he will see all domestic tasks as my responsibility. Since I want to go part time due to health reasons, this would actually mean I'm taking on more work so I can see how it will end up. I don't think I'm going to reduce my schedule for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the opportunity to be off on Fridays but my husband told me if I did that it would mean he's canceling our once/month cleaning lady and I'd have to do those tasks. We could still definitely afford the cleaning lady once/month on a reduced schedule so I am interpreting that to mean that he will see all domestic tasks as my responsibility. Since I want to go part time due to health reasons, this would actually mean I'm taking on more work so I can see how it will end up. I don't think I'm going to reduce my schedule for this reason.

Your husband sounds pretty crummy if you can afford it and have health issues.

[Anonymous]

I've worked 50%, 80%, and FT. To me 50% was perfect as I got to take care of myself and really felt more grounded, in addition to taking care of all the extra household things I enjoy doing (cooking healthy meals) and spending more time with the kids. I was able to leave work in time to spend most of the afternoon with the kids and still have a day of not going into the office. People at work clearly got that I was part time and that helped. Downside was obviously less money coming in and some lost opportunities at work to get involved in more projects.

At 80% time, I had much less balance. I either worked full time hours and got a day to myself to take care of things at home, but the other days stayed crazy, or left work early to have decent time with the kids after school but lost the time to take care of errands and myself. Often I did work almost FT hours, though with more flexibility to do the work at home, so I was getting paid less to work essentially FT. I was at work enough that many coworkers didn't realize I was not FT.

FT hours are just too much to get to spend enough time with my kids and have any hope of a moment for myself. But, it's nice to not worry about money much with a FT income. I am currently FT but if DH were to start making more I would realistically prefer to cut down to 70% (I would still get benefits and retirement match) or even back to 50% (lose all the benefits).

With the part time schedules I've worked, power balance has never been an issue. DH has always had the less flexible job so I do most of the pick up and drop offs. I don't mind since I like the extra time with the kids. DH helps with laundry and we have an every other week house cleaner which is the best.

If I were you and finances were ok with going to PT, I would do it in a second. Happy mom means happy family!