Husband has checked out as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

- 1,000,000

I don't know ANY dads like this. You have a pathetic lot of friends. OP, your husband needs to shape up. I agree with the PP who said make him deal with his consequences. If he wants to give the kids candy and let them stay up late, then they're his that night and the next day (morning and evening).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree regarding the learned helplessness and other suggestions, but wanted to ask if you think he's depressed or dealing with another mental health issue? Any family history on his side of mental health issues? This sounds a lot like how my father was when I was a child, and he was severely depressed. Men are taught to hide their emotions, so he may not be giving clear signs that he's sad, but it may still be manifesting as disengagement, defensiveness, and argumentativeness. Not saying this to excuse his behavior, but there may be a treatable medical cause for some of this. My father also refused to go to counseling and my mother was really and truly miserable, as were us kids TBH.

If it helps, I recently (kindly) nagged my DH into acknowleding he was a little depressed after having a midlife crisis of sorts, and he's now on a low dose of Zoloft and MUCH better.

OP here, I'm going to ask him. I agree that men hide their emotions and he's definitely that type. Glad your husband is doing much better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he is on the computer and phone, is he working? Is he doing tasks as part of his job as an independent contractor but basically working from home?

He's not doing work related stuff when he's between jobs. He's on his phone a fair amount when he's working and I don't ever give him any grief for that because well, duh, it's his job. When he's off, he's playing games and reading news and going through Facebook. Which I get, it's nice to just zone out mentally, but it feels like it's never ending, like he's hooked on it. He has 15 open words with friends games going on right now. I mean, that's kind of excessive to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

That your version, sounds like you are complaining because you cant dump them on him while you go off. SAHM.....thats your job.

That's not fair. We have no family nearby and I'm always on. I've done 100% of the night feedings, I've planned every single outing, I do bath time and bedtime every single night. You're right, being a SAHM is my job, but every job has at least a little bit of time off. My husband works hard but he also gets all his meals prepared, laundry done, house cleaned, and sleeps for at least 8 hours every night plus he gets to sleep in if he's had a tough day at work. If I get sick or have a tough day, there's no one to come in at 5pm and say "alright, you're off the clock now". There has to be some sort of balance. Plus, it's not healthy for the kids to grow up with one parent like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this whole thing about he doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. Has he "shadowed you" a few times while you do it? What is so difficult? You should be able to have at least a monthly ladies night out while he takes care of dinner and bedtime routine. I think you are enabling his helplessness.

He has shadowed me. I always tell him that he's free to do his own thing though, that it's my routine but if he feels more comfortable doing his own thing, than he can do it. I don't know if that is causing the problem because than I'm being too wishy-washy and maybe he needs me to spell out exactly what to do and in what order? He will attempt to say, give the kids a bath, but than my youngest will start crying for me or my oldest will say he doesn't a certain book and than my husband will just give up. I'll tell him to just keep doing what he's doing and ignore toddler tantrums but he literally just shrugs his shoulders and says that they want mom and he's not good at this sort of stuff and that I need to take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two things to address first:

1) agree on some house rules. Not YOUR house rules but COLLECTIVE house rules that you both think are important.

Diiscussion points:
--does he believe there is a limit to the number of hours a young child can sit in front of a tv before it becomes harmful? If not, show him the research. If so, agree that you each have different limits and meet in the middle.

--Does he believe that both of you need and deserve personal time? How much does he feel you each should have? Can you put that on the calendar now?

--He says he is "fine" so his parents' approach worked. Does he believe he had the best childhood he could have? Is he happy with the relationships he has with his family members? What is his definition of "fine?" Is that his goal for his own kids? What is your goal?


2) pick a regular 24-hour period where he is in charge. And then you be truly 100% hands-off and preferably GONE (come home way after bedtime and if the kids are still awake you walk to the bedroom, lock the door, put in earplugs and go to bed), so that he actually has to deal with the consequences. There can be no "we waited for you." If they stay up, he gets to deal with overtired and exhausted kids the next day. If they eat candy and throw up or have diarrhea or wake at 2 am because they haven't had anything substantial to eat, that is also his choice and his problem to deal with. You do not get to tell him how to do it, but he does not get to leave the house a disaster or otherwise set you up for failure when you arrive. And you provide a similar time slot for him (e.g., he is responsible Friday 6pm-Saturday 6pm, you handle Saturday 6pm-Sunday bedtime).

Discuss in advance your goals for your time and his goals for his time with the kids. Try to agree on a minimum standard of cleanliness for the household.


And again, you need to discuss all of this in marital counseling. If he balks as whether you whould call a therapist or a divorce lawyer. If you don't mean that threat yet then go see a counselor yourself. You and your kids deserve better. You are bringing some of this dynamic yourself but you can't fix this whole mess without him.

This is excellent, thank you so much for this. I'm going to print this out for our "come to Jesus" talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

I went out once to a friends house to check up on her while she was sick, came home at 9:30pm, no one has eaten dinner, and the kids are eating an entire bag of candy and watching TV because my husband says "they didn't want to go to bed" and "we wanted to wait up for you". It becomes not worth it, you know? And than I somehow become the bad guy. I'm not sure how to explain to him that it's important for the kids to eat a healthy meal and go to bed at an appropriate time without sounding like such a "mom". I feel like I'm always nagging - please put the dishes away, please wash hands before eating, please don't buy candy for the kids right before we are about to get lunch, please do this, please do that.

Are we married to the same man? Oh, I guess not. My scenario is the exact same as above, only he gives them a big bowl of cheese puffs. Happens pretty much EVERY time I get home late. I don't even go out by myself or do yoga after work any more because of this. Now, when I'm late, it's because I've worked overtime.

This sounds like laziness, pure and simple. Does he ever cook at other times? When DH does evenings solo, I don't expect a gourmet, perfectly healthy meal, but he can certainly boil spaghetti or do peanut butter sandwiches and fruit.

He does not cook. Not sandwiches, not cereal, not anything. I definitely have enabled that. I honestly don't think he's ever learned how to cook. I left a pot boiling on the stove and told him to turn it down to simmer and he didn't know what that meant. He's a smart guy when it comes to work stuff, but anything domestic or house related (even something like yard work, I do it myself), he either waits for me to hire someone or waits for me to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

I went out once to a friends house to check up on her while she was sick, came home at 9:30pm, no one has eaten dinner, and the kids are eating an entire bag of candy and watching TV because my husband says "they didn't want to go to bed" and "we wanted to wait up for you". It becomes not worth it, you know? And than I somehow become the bad guy. I'm not sure how to explain to him that it's important for the kids to eat a healthy meal and go to bed at an appropriate time without sounding like such a "mom". I feel like I'm always nagging - please put the dishes away, please wash hands before eating, please don't buy candy for the kids right before we are about to get lunch, please do this, please do that.

Are we married to the same man? Oh, I guess not. My scenario is the exact same as above, only he gives them a big bowl of cheese puffs. Happens pretty much EVERY time I get home late. I don't even go out by myself or do yoga after work any more because of this. Now, when I'm late, it's because I've worked overtime.

Solidarity over here! Hope we find some answers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree regarding the learned helplessness and other suggestions, but wanted to ask if you think he's depressed or dealing with another mental health issue? Any family history on his side of mental health issues? This sounds a lot like how my father was when I was a child, and he was severely depressed. Men are taught to hide their emotions, so he may not be giving clear signs that he's sad, but it may still be manifesting as disengagement, defensiveness, and argumentativeness. Not saying this to excuse his behavior, but there may be a treatable medical cause for some of this. My father also refused to go to counseling and my mother was really and truly miserable, as were us kids TBH.

If it helps, I recently (kindly) nagged my DH into acknowleding he was a little depressed after having a midlife crisis of sorts, and he's now on a low dose of Zoloft and MUCH better.

I totally agree with looking into whether your husband is suffering from depression. Is his weight gain sudden? Is his job steady or is he feeling financial strain? None of this excuses his unwillingness to help out, but it's worth digging deeper.

Yes, I'm definitely going to bring this up. I'm going to take a minute tonight to read about depression in spouses and hopefully address this if it's an issue. I don't want him to feel attacked or anything like that, I just don't want to feel like I'm takin care of a 3rd child. His weight gain has been steady and it's genetic (Dad was obese) and our finances are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop feeling like the bad guy.

Tell him he's a horrible dad. Get through to him in whatever means necessary, whether it's "how do you want the kids to remember you when they're older--oh wait, they won't because you never did anything with them" or signing him up for parenting classes.

Also tell him this impacts your relationship. Crappy dad does not equal good husband. Suggest marriage counseling, make an appointment, and tell him to show up if he wants to work on it. Otherwise, you have your answer that this will never get any better and either accept it or start looking for a divorce lawyer.

He's not a horrible dad though. He's not abusive, he makes sure our finances are in order, he doesn't yell or get mean or anything of the sort. He does love the kids, I just don't know how to get through to him that his indifference (for lack of a better word) is an issue. And yes, it does affect the marriage, it's hard to be romantic with someone when you're always in mom mode.

[Anonymous]

Stop hassling him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

I went out once to a friends house to check up on her while she was sick, came home at 9:30pm, no one has eaten dinner, and the kids are eating an entire bag of candy and watching TV because my husband says "they didn't want to go to bed" and "we wanted to wait up for you". It becomes not worth it, you know? And than I somehow become the bad guy. I'm not sure how to explain to him that it's important for the kids to eat a healthy meal and go to bed at an appropriate time without sounding like such a "mom". I feel like I'm always nagging - please put the dishes away, please wash hands before eating, please don't buy candy for the kids right before we are about to get lunch, please do this, please do that.

Are we married to the same man? Oh, I guess not. My scenario is the exact same as above, only he gives them a big bowl of cheese puffs. Happens pretty much EVERY time I get home late. I don't even go out by myself or do yoga after work any more because of this. Now, when I'm late, it's because I've worked overtime.

This sounds like laziness, pure and simple. Does he ever cook at other times? When DH does evenings solo, I don't expect a gourmet, perfectly healthy meal, but he can certainly boil spaghetti or do peanut butter sandwiches and fruit.

He does not cook. Not sandwiches, not cereal, not anything. I definitely have enabled that. I honestly don't think he's ever learned how to cook. I left a pot boiling on the stove and told him to turn it down to simmer and he didn't know what that meant. He's a smart guy when it comes to work stuff, but anything domestic or house related (even something like yard work, I do it myself), he either waits for me to hire someone or waits for me to do it.

So what does he do? Bringing home a paycheck isn't really a great answer if he's that useless as a functioning human being. What did he do before you got married or had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

I'd disagree, I thinking being a WOHM forced my husband to be more engaged as a parent. When our daughter was a baby I had a job with a lousy commute and I would get home an hour after to 90 minutes after he got home so that really helped him to figure out his parenting groove.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

That your version, sounds like you are complaining because you cant dump them on him while you go off. SAHM.....thats your job.

That's not fair. We have no family nearby and I'm always on. I've done 100% of the night feedings, I've planned every single outing, I do bath time and bedtime every single night. You're right, being a SAHM is my job, but every job has at least a little bit of time off. My husband works hard but he also gets all his meals prepared, laundry done, house cleaned, and sleeps for at least 8 hours every night plus he gets to sleep in if he's had a tough day at work. If I get sick or have a tough day, there's no one to come in at 5pm and say "alright, you're off the clock now". There has to be some sort of balance. Plus, it's not healthy for the kids to grow up with one parent like that.

Honestly I think you guys need counseling even if he doesn't want to you might need to say "this is a hill I'm willing to die on."

Being a SAHM does not mean that one parent gets to view parenting as optional. I agre that you are in some way culpable for allowing in this dynamic but ultimately it's the real problem is that he is a lousy father.

[Anonymous]

Sounds awful.