Husband has checked out as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop feeling like the bad guy.

Tell him he's a horrible dad. Get through to him in whatever means necessary, whether it's "how do you want the kids to remember you when they're older--oh wait, they won't because you never did anything with them" or signing him up for parenting classes.

Also tell him this impacts your relationship. Crappy dad does not equal good husband. Suggest marriage counseling, make an appointment, and tell him to show up if he wants to work on it. Otherwise, you have your answer that this will never get any better and either accept it or start looking for a divorce lawyer.

He's not a horrible dad though. He's not abusive, he makes sure our finances are in order, he doesn't yell or get mean or anything of the sort. He does love the kids, I just don't know how to get through to him that his indifference (for lack of a better word) is an issue. And yes, it does affect the marriage, it's hard to be romantic with someone when you're always in mom mode.

I think not being abusive or mean is a pretty low bar to set for a parent. When your children look back at their childhood and all they can remember is that their dad ignored or woukd wander off to do his own thing during famoly outings do you think that's going to make them think about what a great parent he was?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

Your first mistake was assuming against the evidence. Your next one was being disappointed that a dynamic that has apparently been in place would be so easily changed.

BTW, expecting him to take small children to a gym he is going to work out in is ridiculous. Well, if they have a nursery there it would be okay but totally defeats your objective.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Well first of all my wife wouldn't let me get away with that bullshit. I do daycare drop off for a 2 year old and a 3 month old every single day (unless a specific conflict), and contribute equally to cooking dinner, bedtime, and all kid related activities such as doctor appointments and daycare closure days. I also work ~55 hours a week year round. It's called being a good dad. What the hell is the point of having kids if you aren't all in?!

[Anonymous]

My husband has ADHD and a habit of losing jobs.
Every time he has been without a job, he has done NOTHING (except his hobby, which is gardening). No more household or childcare than when he was working, which was very little to begin with.

I don't know your husband and can't comment on his capacity to change and adapt, but apparently my husband is only productive when out to work in his field (and he mustn't be hugely productive even there, since he can't keep a job).

We are not in a happy marriage, and at this point, it's on him. I've gone above and beyond, and can't do anymore.

[Anonymous]

PP here. You people are trashing me but moms are on here constantly talking about leaving their husbands or feeling trapped by husbands who do little or nothing with the kids. You can't change anyone but yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this whole thing about he doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. Has he "shadowed you" a few times while you do it? What is so difficult? You should be able to have at least a monthly ladies night out while he takes care of dinner and bedtime routine. I think you are enabling his helplessness.

He has shadowed me. I always tell him that he's free to do his own thing though, that it's my routine but if he feels more comfortable doing his own thing, than he can do it. I don't know if that is causing the problem because than I'm being too wishy-washy and maybe he needs me to spell out exactly what to do and in what order? He will attempt to say, give the kids a bath, but than my youngest will start crying for me or my oldest will say he doesn't a certain book and than my husband will just give up. I'll tell him to just keep doing what he's doing and ignore toddler tantrums but he literally just shrugs his shoulders and says that they want mom and he's not good at this sort of stuff and that I need to take over.

Which is if you're already out of that house at that point he will have to dad up and figure it out himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

Yep. You're both to blame because you've enabled this BS by falling for his "it sounds like you're calling me a bad dad just because I'm not doing any parenting at all, how can you be so meeeeeeeean????" routine.

That's literally what he sounds like. How do I respond to that? what do I say to him when he sulks and says that I'm ganging up on him by saying that it would be nice if he did some one on one time with our 3 year old? I've literally been telling him to go out and do that for 3 years now.

Tell him to sTFU with that childish bullshit and be a man for once. Jesus if my husband acred like that id ridicule and mock him mercilessly. However, i married a man so Ive never jad to deal with this, nor wold i because id leave his ass. Sounds like this guy is mothing, but the household ATM machine.

Many of you women on here are so incredibly weak and helpless and have settled for such shit partners. How can you just sit there and not fight for your kids and yourselves is far beyond my ability to comprehend.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that apparently the dad in question hasn't wanted to do anything with the older child since they were born. Did he even want kids or was this a decision made by the wife?

We can see pages and pages of women complaining that a husband is bugging them for sex but not a peep when a woman keep pestering a man to have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. You people are trashing me but moms are on here constantly talking about leaving their husbands or feeling trapped by husbands who do little or nothing with the kids. You can't change anyone but yourselves.

Maybe they aren't the same people? There are plenty of dads who could manage to feed their kids and play with them once in a while, even if they weren't Dad of the Year. OP's husband is not anywhere near normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that apparently the dad in question hasn't wanted to do anything with the older child since they were born. Did he even want kids or was this a decision made by the wife?

We can see pages and pages of women complaining that a husband is bugging them for sex but not a peep when a woman keep pestering a man to have a child.

Whatever. The kids are here and they're just as much his responsibility. If he can't manage to feed a hungry kid and put her to bed, he's a pathetic human being. Not to mention selfish.