Husband has checked out as a parent

[Anonymous]

My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Well, I would disagree that he turned out fine, but that's not your question.

Have you tried couples' counseling? You don't have to commit to a year or anything, just enough so that he understands your point of view and possibly unearths why he's checked out of his family.

[Anonymous]

I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

Yep. You're both to blame because you've enabled this BS by falling for his "it sounds like you're calling me a bad dad just because I'm not doing any parenting at all, how can you be so meeeeeeeean????" routine.

[Anonymous]

Make a family rule about screen time. None between the hours of x and y.

Hold his hand through some activities with the kids. Send him to the park with one of the kids. Don't wait for it to be his idea.

Lastly, I'd have a come to Jesus talk with him. What kind of father does he want to be? What kind of example does he want to set for his kids? What does he want the kids to remember about him when he is dead and gone? And what is he doing to make that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

Yep. You're both to blame because you've enabled this BS by falling for his "it sounds like you're calling me a bad dad just because I'm not doing any parenting at all, how can you be so meeeeeeeean????" routine.

Harsh but true, OP. He can (and MUST!) figure out how to get the kids to bed and you need to stop enabling him. This whole "if what you say hurts my feelings then it must be wrong of you to say it" crap is BS. Sure, it probably sucks for him to be called out for not parenting his kids but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be called out for it. It means he should PARENT HIS CHILDREN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

In this situation, him going for a jog is not a substitute for him going to the gym. He needs to go to the gym AND he also needs to take his kids out of the house and interact with them. I agree with the suggestion that counseling may help, if only because it will likely help with the deflection that he is engaged in (e.g., getting emotional and turning the conversation around on you). I also think that you need to own that you DO think these behaviors are bad parenting - parking a toddler in front of the TV while you read your phone in another room may not be the end of the world here and there, but if that is happening regularly, quite frankly, it IS bad parenting. If he is embarrassed about that and gets emotional, frankly that's his problem to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think this situation will require hand-holding on your part (as much as you may thing it's unnecessary or silly). Your DH just doesn't understand the importance of spending time with his children, especially on his own. He didn't have it growing up and never learned how to do it. My father is the same way. He'll buy me the world and spend thousands for any reason, but we never spent time together. Never really asks how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, etc. He's not there emotionally.

I think you should include DH on your outings and coach him on how to interact with the kids. Ask him to put his phone away while the family does xyz. Get him interested and engaged in spending time with your kids. Figure out what his interests are and if they overlap with the kids. Does he like basketball? Great, plan an outing to an outdoor park and have him "teach" the kids how to play. You just have to get him interested and engaged. Nagging about what he isn't doing won't help him - he doesn't understand that.

I know how you feel and I really hope it gets better for you and your kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would disagree that he turned out fine, but that's not your question.

Have you tried couples' counseling? You don't have to commit to a year or anything, just enough so that he understands your point of view and possibly unearths why he's checked out of his family.

Op here, I disagree too about him turning out fine, but it's hard to argue with someone when they stubbornly think that. I will look into it, although he's one of those types that thinks counseling and anything mental health related is "pointless and dumb".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

I went out once to a friends house to check up on her while she was sick, came home at 9:30pm, no one has eaten dinner, and the kids are eating an entire bag of candy and watching TV because my husband says "they didn't want to go to bed" and "we wanted to wait up for you". It becomes not worth it, you know? And than I somehow become the bad guy. I'm not sure how to explain to him that it's important for the kids to eat a healthy meal and go to bed at an appropriate time without sounding like such a "mom". I feel like I'm always nagging - please put the dishes away, please wash hands before eating, please don't buy candy for the kids right before we are about to get lunch, please do this, please do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

Yep. You're both to blame because you've enabled this BS by falling for his "it sounds like you're calling me a bad dad just because I'm not doing any parenting at all, how can you be so meeeeeeeean????" routine.

That's literally what he sounds like. How do I respond to that? what do I say to him when he sulks and says that I'm ganging up on him by saying that it would be nice if he did some one on one time with our 3 year old? I've literally been telling him to go out and do that for 3 years now.

[Anonymous]

I agree regarding the learned helplessness and other suggestions, but wanted to ask if you think he's depressed or dealing with another mental health issue? Any family history on his side of mental health issues? This sounds a lot like how my father was when I was a child, and he was severely depressed. Men are taught to hide their emotions, so he may not be giving clear signs that he's sad, but it may still be manifesting as disengagement, defensiveness, and argumentativeness. Not saying this to excuse his behavior, but there may be a treatable medical cause for some of this. My father also refused to go to counseling and my mother was really and truly miserable, as were us kids TBH.

If it helps, I recently (kindly) nagged my DH into acknowleding he was a little depressed after having a midlife crisis of sorts, and he's now on a low dose of Zoloft and MUCH better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a family rule about screen time. None between the hours of x and y.

Hold his hand through some activities with the kids. Send him to the park with one of the kids. Don't wait for it to be his idea.

Lastly, I'd have a come to Jesus talk with him. What kind of father does he want to be? What kind of example does he want to set for his kids? What does he want the kids to remember about him when he is dead and gone? And what is he doing to make that happen?

Would making a chore chart and a family rule chart for him be too childish? Because I'm almost at that point. I told him yesterday that I don't want TV on until Saturday. And first thing he does in the morning? Turns on the TV. I tell him, we had an agreement, he says the kids were crying and asking for it. And than huffs and puffs and goes to reading his phone in the other room while I'm scrambling to make breakfast and now dealing with kids crying because I've turned off the TV.
I think those are great questions, I'm really going to have to sit down and ask him those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

I went out once to a friends house to check up on her while she was sick, came home at 9:30pm, no one has eaten dinner, and the kids are eating an entire bag of candy and watching TV because my husband says "they didn't want to go to bed" and "we wanted to wait up for you". It becomes not worth it, you know? And than I somehow become the bad guy. I'm not sure how to explain to him that it's important for the kids to eat a healthy meal and go to bed at an appropriate time without sounding like such a "mom". I feel like I'm always nagging - please put the dishes away, please wash hands before eating, please don't buy candy for the kids right before we are about to get lunch, please do this, please do that.

Part of it might be that he isn't regularly responsible for them so he thinks it's ok to let them go hog wild on these "special occasions" where he's in charge of bedtime. He's essentially treating the times he is responsible for the kids like it's grandma and grandpas house when he needs to actually be parenting. As a one off, SURE it's ok for the kids to be up late and eat candy. As an every day thing? Of course that doesn't work. So the answer isn't less time with him responsible, it's more time with him responsible.

My dad tried the same crap with my mom, would not take care of ANYTHING if she went out for the evening, would not take us anywhere, just abdicated all responsibility for us. Things didn't get better until my mom got a job working long hours so dad was regularly in charge of getting us fed and taken care of. Then, he finally treated it like it was his responsibility to actually make dinner and make us do homework, etc.

[Anonymous]

Stop feeling like the bad guy.

Tell him he's a horrible dad. Get through to him in whatever means necessary, whether it's "how do you want the kids to remember you when they're older--oh wait, they won't because you never did anything with them" or signing him up for parenting classes.

Also tell him this impacts your relationship. Crappy dad does not equal good husband. Suggest marriage counseling, make an appointment, and tell him to show up if he wants to work on it. Otherwise, you have your answer that this will never get any better and either accept it or start looking for a divorce lawyer.