Husband has checked out as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

Nope.

Yeah, another nope.

This isn't as good as it gets folks. Expect more. It's out there and it's not uncommon to find it if me and my friends are any evidence. No one is perfect, but acting like the OP's DH should not be seen as the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

OMG, what?? This is not typical, acceptable, or excusable. He's your PARTNER, not the sperm donor and provider. Nobody's perfect, but you have to work on building a healthy, equitable relationship and not just say "men will be men, guess I better get back in the kitchen!" And what happens when this checked out dad decides he wants to check out on the marriage and leaves? You're a SAHM will no income and you have to scramble to get back into the professional world.

Ugh, this advice just kills me. It's so sad and depressing I can't handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

I don't think it is, at least not for dads under 40 or so. My husband is super duper involved--Monday my husband took our young kid to an eclipse party, then errands and trampoline park Tuesday.

And, he does crossfit or swims at 6am several days weekly, and completes one triathlon per month. He just makes time for it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this whole thing about he doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. Has he "shadowed you" a few times while you do it? What is so difficult? You should be able to have at least a monthly ladies night out while he takes care of dinner and bedtime routine. I think you are enabling his helplessness.

It's not difficult. He doesn't think it's necessary to do it her way and he wants to do it his way. She doesn't like his way, so she doesn't go out.

OP here, just to be clear, if he had a way, if for instance he wanted to feed the kids hot dogs and mac n cheese or toast with butter and than skip a bath or read 5 books instead of 3, I wouldn't care. As long as the end result was the same-kids were fed and in bed. I don't care about methods, I care about the end result. But there's no end result. I've gone to doctor appointments and come back and kids haven't eaten any meals whatsoever and are going through the pantry while he's on the computer or on his phone. That's what irks me, because than I get mad at him and than it always ends up with him sulking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

Nope.

+100. None of my dad friends or my dh are like that. Certainly have fun with the kids when it's one parent on occasion like ice cream for dinner or what have you. But not every time.
My dad wasn't like this. My dhs dad couldn't cook but they had peanut sandwiches and heated soup when their mom went to visit family or emergencies and he certainly parented and was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

Nopey nope nope. If I am gone for the day, I will return to find that my husband took our daughter to the playground and the library, fed her meals, and bathed her. This is normal. I do not have to tell him to do any of this. Will he do things exactly the way I do? No, which is fine. Some things he does better. But it is not normal for a father to totally check out of parenting his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this whole thing about he doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. Has he "shadowed you" a few times while you do it? What is so difficult? You should be able to have at least a monthly ladies night out while he takes care of dinner and bedtime routine. I think you are enabling his helplessness.

It's not difficult. He doesn't think it's necessary to do it her way and he wants to do it his way. She doesn't like his way, so she doesn't go out.

OP here, just to be clear, if he had a way, if for instance he wanted to feed the kids hot dogs and mac n cheese or toast with butter and than skip a bath or read 5 books instead of 3, I wouldn't care. As long as the end result was the same-kids were fed and in bed. I don't care about methods, I care about the end result. But there's no end result. I've gone to doctor appointments and come back and kids haven't eaten any meals whatsoever and are going through the pantry while he's on the computer or on his phone. That's what irks me, because than I get mad at him and than it always ends up with him sulking.

OP, I posted earlier, but this really sounds like there's something going on with him. If he's not depressed, does he have some sort of internet addiction issue? ADHD? Deeper marital issues where he's "checked out" to the relationship in general? It's not normal for an adult to not be able to put aside the phone for long enough to pour your kids a bowl of cereal. It's also not normal to sulk when you come home and say "why are the kids digging through the pantry at 9:00pm instead of in bed?" Normal for him to get defensive, but not to huff and puff and sulk every time you ask him to do anything.

What if you set reminders on his phone at dinner and bath time? Or called him to remind him? That would help identify if he's actually forgetting to feed them or is intentionally ignoring their needs. Either way, you two need counseling STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

Oh that's just wrong. My DH is an amazing involved father. We split the bedtime routine, he washes bottles, makes her baby food, feeds her, buys her clothes, and even cooks half the time. We both work and we both parent.

[Anonymous]

The role of a parent is on the job training. but, man, parenting a spouse is hard. Training a parent is so much work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

That your version, sounds like you are complaining because you cant dump them on him while you go off. SAHM.....thats your job.

[Anonymous]

My husband was raised by wolves and he still was a better husband/parent than OP's useless husband.

He doesn't care because he knows you will cave no matter what.

It's called being manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

This. Plus, if he is really not willing to put the kids to bed, there is no reason you should suffer. Hire a sitter and go out. Yes, even though your husband will be home.

[Anonymous]

When he is on the computer and phone, is he working? Is he doing tasks as part of his job as an independent contractor but basically working from home?

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, when he used to help, you told him what he did wrong right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree regarding the learned helplessness and other suggestions, but wanted to ask if you think he's depressed or dealing with another mental health issue? Any family history on his side of mental health issues? This sounds a lot like how my father was when I was a child, and he was severely depressed. Men are taught to hide their emotions, so he may not be giving clear signs that he's sad, but it may still be manifesting as disengagement, defensiveness, and argumentativeness. Not saying this to excuse his behavior, but there may be a treatable medical cause for some of this. My father also refused to go to counseling and my mother was really and truly miserable, as were us kids TBH.

If it helps, I recently (kindly) nagged my DH into acknowleding he was a little depressed after having a midlife crisis of sorts, and he's now on a low dose of Zoloft and MUCH better.

I totally agree with looking into whether your husband is suffering from depression. Is his weight gain sudden? Is his job steady or is he feeling financial strain? None of this excuses his unwillingness to help out, but it's worth digging deeper.