Would you stay at home with small children, or wait for more work flexibility for kids when older?

[Anonymous]

I've done both, but if I had to pick one or the other, I'd stay home during the teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 12 and 15. I've been lucky enough to work part time (24-32 hrs per week) throughout my kids' lives, but as infants and toddlers, they still had to go to daycare, as we have no family in the area and I was too nervous to go the nanny route.

Looking back and at where we are now, I think flexibility has become more important in their later childhood (tweens and teens).

Despite what some may suggest on this site, you're not a bad mom if you work to secure your family's financial stability.

What if you're in a job that offers no flexibility? I'm a teacher and my hours will always be set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 1 until kids were 4 and 7 years.

Worked 4 hours a week from 4 and 7 years Until kids were 6 and 9.

Worked 8-11 hours a week from 6 and 9 years until 9 and 12.

Work 8-20 hours a week from 9 and 12 and kids are now 13 and 16.

I work 30-33 weeks a years.
Y kids are my priority.

What do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 2. Despite reports to the contrary, tweens and teens need you a lot. Not to mention activities I need to be around for, and also the stability of having someone home after they get home from school (or thereabouts) to sort of monitor the situation.

Couldn't disagree more. Most kids spend more and more time in extracurriculars and with friends as they get older.

However, there are some sahs of older kids who feel they must constantly spread this myth to justify their decision. And yes, I have older kids. There were a lot more opportunities to spend quality time with them when they were younger.

Believe me this is not a myth. Life is incredibly busy with one or more teens with heavy academic loads and busy extracurricular schedules. It has easily been the most exhausting and emotionally demanding stage of parenting for me. I think cutting back on work at this time makes sense if for no other reason than the parent's mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 2. Despite reports to the contrary, tweens and teens need you a lot. Not to mention activities I need to be around for, and also the stability of having someone home after they get home from school (or thereabouts) to sort of monitor the situation.

Couldn't disagree more. Most kids spend more and more time in extracurriculars and with friends as they get older.

However, there are some sahs of older kids who feel they must constantly spread this myth to justify their decision. And yes, I have older kids. There were a lot more opportunities to spend quality time with them when they were younger.

not all kids stay after school for a half hour and then home for the night. Mine stay for a club here or there but they have practices/games/music lessons from 4pm on. We are out most nights of the week until 8ish. The rare days we are free-we have three older kids-our house is the hang out house-I prefer to be there. Nice try though. I think both are important times but for very different reasons.

There is something called car pool. You spend your time running around town because that is how you chose to spend your time, not because it is necessary.

And most kids I know do their sports, music, drama at school once on in middle school. Yours have chosen a different and not common path.

Guess what. Lots of times kids don't have activities where other people are available for a carpool. I can assure you that the mom's who complain about shuffling their kids around aren't turning down perfectly good carpooling opportunities. Yes, an option would be not have your kid heavily involved in extracurriculars, but obviously family differ in the value of these sorts of activities.

[Anonymous]

Kids need parents in different ways in different life stages.

The first three years are the most influential in a child's life. That is when the bulk of brain development happens and sets the foundation for who your child will be for life. Every interaction during those early years matters as each one is shaping your child's brain development. Whoever is spending the most time with your child and reacting, responding, teaching, leading, comforting, etc is the one who is having the most influence on brain development. Some parents want to be that person, other parents entrust that role to a child care provider.

In the 4 -10 stage, kids are building on that foundation and learning complex social skills and dynamics, figuring out how the world works, figuring out who they are and what they like and don't like, developing their thinking skills, learning to cope and deal with feelings. At this stage they need someone who can answer lots of questions, support their interests, talk them through social situations, explaining how things work and generally providing guidance.

11-13 are pretty impressionable years. Kids start to really look to their friends and to other kids , they experience more social pressures and have to figure out how to react, their decision making and independence skills are developing, they are taking on more responsibility, some are starting to get into identity development, they are dealing with puberty, they experience more conflict that they have to figure out how to resolve. Kids in this age need a lot of supervision and guidance. They frequently try to deal with things on their own that they don't fully understand. they need invested persons who know what is going on in their lives and touching base frequently.

13-15 - this can be a really hard age. Peer pressure is at is strongest, social status matters a lot, it is often a time of confusion, lack of sense of self, experimentation, needing to be unique and noticed yet wanting to fit in, risk taking, trying new things, pushing for more independence and putting themselves into situations that are beyond their critical thinking and decision making capacity. This is when alcohol, drugs, sex, delinquent activity often becomes part of their world. I think this age needs pretty much the most parental support, supervision, connection and direction.

16- 18 - these kids are now in the pre adult phase. Taking on more and more decision making, independence and responsibility. they need to be able to start setting their own boundaries and deciding for themselves that they will or won't do. They need adults more to bounce ideas off of and to step in if they are going way off track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids need parents in different ways in different life stages.

The first three years are the most influential in a child's life. That is when the bulk of brain development happens and sets the foundation for who your child will be for life. Every interaction during those early years matters as each one is shaping your child's brain development. Whoever is spending the most time with your child and reacting, responding, teaching, leading, comforting, etc is the one who is having the most influence on brain development. Some parents want to be that person, other parents entrust that role to a child care provider.

In the 4 -10 stage, kids are building on that foundation and learning complex social skills and dynamics, figuring out how the world works, figuring out who they are and what they like and don't like, developing their thinking skills, learning to cope and deal with feelings. At this stage they need someone who can answer lots of questions, support their interests, talk them through social situations, explaining how things work and generally providing guidance.

11-13 are pretty impressionable years. Kids start to really look to their friends and to other kids , they experience more social pressures and have to figure out how to react, their decision making and independence skills are developing, they are taking on more responsibility, some are starting to get into identity development, they are dealing with puberty, they experience more conflict that they have to figure out how to resolve. Kids in this age need a lot of supervision and guidance. They frequently try to deal with things on their own that they don't fully understand. they need invested persons who know what is going on in their lives and touching base frequently.

13-15 - this can be a really hard age. Peer pressure is at is strongest, social status matters a lot, it is often a time of confusion, lack of sense of self, experimentation, needing to be unique and noticed yet wanting to fit in, risk taking, trying new things, pushing for more independence and putting themselves into situations that are beyond their critical thinking and decision making capacity. This is when alcohol, drugs, sex, delinquent activity often becomes part of their world. I think this age needs pretty much the most parental support, supervision, connection and direction.

16- 18 - these kids are now in the pre adult phase. Taking on more and more decision making, independence and responsibility. they need to be able to start setting their own boundaries and deciding for themselves that they will or won't do. They need adults more to bounce ideas off of and to step in if they are going way off track.

+1

[Anonymous]

I guess option 2, but I have always worked full time with travel so not a good judge. My kids are 12 and 14 and while I wish I was home more, they are fantastic kids and very independent, take public transport etc. Also, can you get back into your field of work after taking off?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends a bit on your field of work. If you choose Option 1, just make sure that, when you return, you are seeking advancements and promotions.

I know it's not always possible, but I think part-time is a great way if you can arrange for it. I recall asking advice of the director of my son's preschool when he was 2 years old (13 years ago). She was a very well-respected lady in the DC area because she had lead this well-regarded preschool for 30 years, and had seen lots of families over the years.

When I told her I felt guilty working part-time, she advised that it's wise for women to keep one foot in the work force in some way. I really took that to heart.

I stayed in the work-force part-time for 10 years (with 3 kids), in a lawyer position. In hindsight, it seemed stressful even to work part-time. I hated saying goodbye in the morning!

My gut told me to hang on to the part-time position, even though I really wanted to be with my kids.

It worked out for the best in my situation, as I was able to change companies and get a much better job. My new job was full-time, but with great flexibility and income. When considering whether to hire me, the new job didn't seem to mind that my 10 prior years were part-time instead of full-time.

I still really wish I'd had those early years dedicated to my kids. I hope that my daughters can have that with their kids someday. In my case, I just needed the financial peace of mind.

Good luck, OP! You seem like such a good mom. Whatever choice you make, just try to be at peace with it and not feel stressed about it. Mom-guilt is not a productive feeling, as I have learned myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 1 until kids were 4 and 7 years.

Worked 4 hours a week from 4 and 7 years Until kids were 6 and 9.

Worked 8-11 hours a week from 6 and 9 years until 9 and 12.

Work 8-20 hours a week from 9 and 12 and kids are now 13 and 16.

I work 30-33 weeks a years.
Y kids are my priority.

Since you can't support a family on four hours a week (in most jobs), I'm inferring that your family has a second parent who provides the main income. Are your (your and your partner's) kids your partner's priority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids need parents in different ways in different life stages.

The first three years are the most influential in a child's life. That is when the bulk of brain development happens and sets the foundation for who your child will be for life. Every interaction during those early years matters as each one is shaping your child's brain development. Whoever is spending the most time with your child and reacting, responding, teaching, leading, comforting, etc is the one who is having the most influence on brain development. Some parents want to be that person, other parents entrust that role to a child care provider.

In the 4 -10 stage, kids are building on that foundation and learning complex social skills and dynamics, figuring out how the world works, figuring out who they are and what they like and don't like, developing their thinking skills, learning to cope and deal with feelings. At this stage they need someone who can answer lots of questions, support their interests, talk them through social situations, explaining how things work and generally providing guidance.

11-13 are pretty impressionable years. Kids start to really look to their friends and to other kids , they experience more social pressures and have to figure out how to react, their decision making and independence skills are developing, they are taking on more responsibility, some are starting to get into identity development, they are dealing with puberty, they experience more conflict that they have to figure out how to resolve. Kids in this age need a lot of supervision and guidance. They frequently try to deal with things on their own that they don't fully understand. they need invested persons who know what is going on in their lives and touching base frequently.

13-15 - this can be a really hard age. Peer pressure is at is strongest, social status matters a lot, it is often a time of confusion, lack of sense of self, experimentation, needing to be unique and noticed yet wanting to fit in, risk taking, trying new things, pushing for more independence and putting themselves into situations that are beyond their critical thinking and decision making capacity. This is when alcohol, drugs, sex, delinquent activity often becomes part of their world. I think this age needs pretty much the most parental support, supervision, connection and direction.

16- 18 - these kids are now in the pre adult phase. Taking on more and more decision making, independence and responsibility. they need to be able to start setting their own boundaries and deciding for themselves that they will or won't do. They need adults more to bounce ideas off of and to step in if they are going way off track.

I agree. So much so, that my husband and I made it a priority to have one of us at home during all of these stages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. So much so, that my husband and I made it a priority to have one of us at home during all of these stages.

Which one of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. So much so, that my husband and I made it a priority to have one of us at home during all of these stages.

Which one of you?

In our family we chose the person who carries and nurses the baby. We also chose the person who needed the money, whereas I didn't;. Men deserve the right to be financially secure, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. So much so, that my husband and I made it a priority to have one of us at home during all of these stages.

Which one of you?

In our family we chose the person who carries and nurses the baby. We also chose the person who needed the money, whereas I didn't;. Men deserve the right to be financially secure, as well.

So, "My husband and I made it a priority to have me (the wife) at home during all of these stages"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. So much so, that my husband and I made it a priority to have one of us at home during all of these stages.

Which one of you?

In our family we chose the person who carries and nurses the baby. We also chose the person who needed the money, whereas I didn't;. Men deserve the right to be financially secure, as well.

So, "My husband and I made it a priority to have me (the wife) at home during all of these stages"?

I gave you actual reasons, but you don't want to see them, because you want to make this about gender. Your loss! If you can't look beyond whats between my legs to find out why my family made the choice that it did, I feel for you. I had financial security already, legally he didn't. Therefore, like everyone else who needs to work, he needs to work. Pretty simple. When Moms work because they need the money they are "good moms". When dads do it its sexist. Okay.