Should I force the issue - overweight teen boy and swim shirt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it's vacation seasons. And in two weeks we will be going to the beach.

My oldest son is 16, and has always been fairly large for his age. Over the past year or so he has put on an alarming amount of weight that seems to have gone straight to his gut. Being slightly chubby to begin with, this makes him look quite overweight (as he is) and unattractive, particularly when he isn't wearing a shirt. We are trying to help him lose around 20 pounds, but since this certainly won't happen before our trip, I kindly suggested that we could buy him a nice swimming shirt so he didn't have to be so embarrassed while at the beach, especially since we know that he is fairly insecure about his size right now.

Anyway, my problem is that he is not at all interested in this, saying that guys don't wear shirts while swimming and that it would be more embarrassing to him then his big belly.

Thing is, I don't think it is appropriate for him to be out there baked from the waist up with his gut all out for anyone and everyone to see. With his shirt off it's just flabby and unappealing, and honestly men's bathing suits are cut in a way that looks great on people who are fit and slender, but are not flattering to those that are larger or less in shape.

I don't want to make a big deal about it or create an issue around his weight, but I was wondering if I should just drop it or press the issue. I have already tried to convince him that he would now have a goal - to lose the weight he needs to before next time he will go swimming, but that I don't think he should go topless in public until then, but I am unsure how to convince him of that.

Usually, I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon and assume bad intentions, but geez, it sounds like *you're* the one who is embarrassed and has the bigger problem with your son's weight.

Look at the language you've used--flabbly, unappealing, big belly, etc. This is your child.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. I would be concerned if my son or daughter were overweight at 16. It doesn't mean you're ashamed of him or don't love him. Geez, people. I hope you can help him adjust his eating habits and become more active both for health AND self-esteem reasons. And, yes, throw a shirt in the bag in case he ends up changing his mind. More importantly, encourage him to take walks on the beach, go bike riding, swim, and try to model healthy eating at home and when out.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Leave him alone. My mother used to get on me about my weight. Still does from time to time. It's very damaging to our relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'll bite. I personally think that the OP has good intentions. I was severely overweight as a tween and teenager (4'11" and ~160 pounds) and it was brutal. My mom kept trying to give me subtle hints that I should start exercising and eat less, but I would just start crying and get defensive. I ultimately lost the weight on my own as an adult and asked my mom why she had not been more direct and aggressive with me. She said that she considering doing that, but was afraid she would trigger an eating disorder, because I already had a lot of other issues at the time with stress from taking five honors and AP classes every year and bullies (not entirely related to my weight; I have some Asperger/OCD tendencies that make me a little awkward).

Now that I'm a normal weight, she told me how horrible she used to feel when buying size 18 pants and DD bras for me. She said she would privately cry after every beach trip and shopping trip with me, because she knew how difficult it was for me. The OP is probably feeling the same way about her child, because she knows how hard it is for him and she just wants to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I would be concerned if my son or daughter were overweight at 16. It doesn't mean you're ashamed of him or don't love him. Geez, people. I hope you can help him adjust his eating habits and become more active both for health AND self-esteem reasons. And, yes, throw a shirt in the bag in case he ends up changing his mind. More importantly, encourage him to take walks on the beach, go bike riding, swim, and try to model healthy eating at home and when out.

It's the wording--pejorative adjectives based solely appearance. Sure, I have a son and I want to protect him from feeling bad about himself, but I have found that when I sound overly critical *I'm the one making him feel bad.* I'm sure OP loves her son, and this is probably coming from a place of love, but it's misguided and hurtful.
I have been married almost 20 years to wonderful, attractive man who struggles with his weight-- we rarely talk about it, and when we do, it's about how it may be affecting his health (cholesterol, heart disease, etc.). All of the self esteem questions and worries about appearance generate from him--not from me.

[Anonymous]

This must be a troll. If not, that poor boy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't want to make a big deal about it or create an issue around his weight, but I was wondering if I should just drop it or press the issue. I have already tried to convince him that he would now have a goal - to lose the weight he needs to before next time he will go swimming, but that I don't think he should go topless in public until then, but I am unsure how to convince him of that.

This is taken verbatim from the poorly selling "How to give your child an eating disorder in 3 easy steps" Fast forward 20 years, he's on a sofa at his therapist "I put on some weight in high school and my mom was like, she was horrified by how I looked. Didn't even want to be seen with me and so you know, I've always been struggling with the weight, trying to gain her approval in some other way and of course dating women who treat me the way she did. I'm here because my wife left me and took the kids. I'm living in a studio apartment with unassembled IKEA furniture trying to figure out how to get my life together and of course how to assemble that goddamned furniture!"

[Anonymous]

Sadly, as much as I want this to be a troll, I have an acquaintance who is EXACTLY like this with her chubby daughter.

She makes her daughter wear a rash guard shirt and either a skirt or boyshort bikini bottoms. She's not allowed to wear a traditional bikini bottom because those are for skinny girls only. Tankini tops and tank tops are for skinny girls only as well. She acts like restricting her wardrobe will encourage her to lose weight to be able to wear what her sister and friends wear. Idiotic!

[Anonymous]

OP here - I'm so sorry my concern for my son comes across as being an asshole to you. I don't want him to be sitting on the beach embarrassed and opening up himself to bullying and those judgemental stares of all the skinny-mni kids and parents sharing the beach with us!

I love my son, and will no matter what the scale says or what his BMI is. Both me and DH have struggled with our weight our entire life. When he was born I was just under 300lbs and DH pushing 350. Luckily, since then both of us have lost significent amounts of weight, and while neither of us are skinny now, we are healthy, fit, and a reasonable size (I could stand to lose a few pounds still, and so I've made it a collective goal between me and DS to lose weight together).

My point being, I an well aware what it's like to be the kid with a large belly on the beach. You can't help it - people are assholes and will treat you differently, stare, and just be mean to you and it can really turn a nice beach vacation into a 'Sit in the house all week' vacation.

We saw this last year, when he was just on the line between average weight and slightly overweight, and he refused to go to the beach the second half of the trip because he was so embarrassed over his size.

And thank you to all the people who think I'm the one embarrassed. Yes, I'm not happy about his weight gain, it's not healthy and I am worried that with his genetics and habits this could be a long term struggle with him. He is very self concious of the weight gain/how he looks, probably made worse by the fact that his 13 year old half brother is skinny as a rail and can eat us out of house and home without gaining a pound while he has been trying to eat healthy and be active and continues to put on weight.

But yeah, maybe you'll are right and I'm a judgemental asshole of a parent and I should just let it go. It's just that I know my kid, and I know that once he gets to the beach he will go once, get embarrassed and mope around the rental house all week. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But yeah, maybe you'll are right and I'm a judgemental asshole of a parent and I should just let it go. It's just that I know my kid, and I know that once he gets to the beach he will go once, get embarrassed and mope around the rental house all week. Oh well.

So stop pestering him and just bring a shirt for him. That way, if it turns out that he wants to wear it, he can wear it. And if he doesn't, he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really can't believe all the hate you're getting for trying to help your son.

I think it's become so politically incorrect to acknowledge that being severely overweight is unhealthy (and unattractive) that people can't handle honest conversations about size.

Go ahead and buy him a rash guard and bring it on the trip. It would also help if you got one for yourself and the rest of the family. Then he can say something like "my mom's really big on sun protection/ avoiding skin cancer" and it becomes a family thing unrelated to his weight.

This is the best response on here. While I admit I was a little taken aback by the unattractive comment, I agree that OP's main intent is to try to help her son. Weight is such a touchy subject, but the simple fact is that it is so taboo nowadays to actually address the problem directly for fear of hurting the kid's feelings. Everyone is against a little tough love these days, but if it helps the kid improve his short and long-term health, then maybe it's not such a bad thing. One question I have is who is buying the food in the house? I get on my 16 year old for his poor diet, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm the one actually buying the groceries and the take-out food. I try to lead by example in my eating habits, but if the bad food is in the fridge and pantry, then I have to share in the blame because I'm the one who bought it. There may be some of that going on here.

[Anonymous]

I am a former swim parent of two kids who swam competitively for a number of years. I remember a boy on the summer swim team who wore a swim shirt. He was big but the swim shirt drew more attention to his weight than not wearing one. Yes, he had boobs but the shirt was so out of character for a competitive swimmer. I am not sure if he wore it voluntarily or his parent made him wear it but I remember thinking he would be better off not wearing it and focusing on his swimming. Also, the shirt slowed him down at the meets because of all the drag it created. OP, don't force the issue. Let him be free of the shirt if that is what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really can't believe all the hate you're getting for trying to help your son.

I think it's become so politically incorrect to acknowledge that being severely overweight is unhealthy (and unattractive) that people can't handle honest conversations about size.

Go ahead and buy him a rash guard and bring it on the trip. It would also help if you got one for yourself and the rest of the family. Then he can say something like "my mom's really big on sun protection/ avoiding skin cancer" and it becomes a family thing unrelated to his weight.

This is the best response on here. While I admit I was a little taken aback by the unattractive comment, I agree that OP's main intent is to try to help her son. Weight is such a touchy subject, but the simple fact is that it is so taboo nowadays to actually address the problem directly for fear of hurting the kid's feelings. Everyone is against a little tough love these days, but if it helps the kid improve his short and long-term health, then maybe it's not such a bad thing. One question I have is who is buying the food in the house? I get on my 16 year old for his poor diet, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm the one actually buying the groceries and the take-out food. I try to lead by example in my eating habits, but if the bad food is in the fridge and pantry, then I have to share in the blame because I'm the one who bought it. There may be some of that going on here.

It is so taboo nowadays to actually address the problem directly because we've learned (or rather, many of us have learned) that, "You're fat, and you need to lose weight" is not an effective way to get people to lose weight. Quite the contrary, in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've made it a collective goal between me and DS to lose weight together).

[Anonymous]

http://www.trutv.com/shows/adam-ruins-everything/blog/adams-sources/adam-ruins-weight-loss.html