Should I force the issue - overweight teen boy and swim shirt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm so sorry my concern for my son comes across as being an asshole to you. I don't want him to be sitting on the beach embarrassed and opening up himself to bullying and those judgemental stares of all the skinny-mni kids and parents sharing the beach with us!

I love my son, and will no matter what the scale says or what his BMI is. Both me and DH have struggled with our weight our entire life. When he was born I was just under 300lbs and DH pushing 350. Luckily, since then both of us have lost significent amounts of weight, and while neither of us are skinny now, we are healthy, fit, and a reasonable size (I could stand to lose a few pounds still, and so I've made it a collective goal between me and DS to lose weight together).

My point being, I an well aware what it's like to be the kid with a large belly on the beach. You can't help it - people are assholes and will treat you differently, stare, and just be mean to you and it can really turn a nice beach vacation into a 'Sit in the house all week' vacation.

We saw this last year, when he was just on the line between average weight and slightly overweight, and he refused to go to the beach the second half of the trip because he was so embarrassed over his size.

And thank you to all the people who think I'm the one embarrassed. Yes, I'm not happy about his weight gain, it's not healthy and I am worried that with his genetics and habits this could be a long term struggle with him. He is very self concious of the weight gain/how he looks, probably made worse by the fact that his 13 year old half brother is skinny as a rail and can eat us out of house and home without gaining a pound while he has been trying to eat healthy and be active and continues to put on weight.

But yeah, maybe you'll are right and I'm a judgemental asshole of a parent and I should just let it go. It's just that I know my kid, and I know that once he gets to the beach he will go once, get embarrassed and mope around the rental house all week. Oh well.

Then just bring the shirt and don't say anything to him about it. If it seems like his own embarrassment is causing him to skip out on activities, offer it to him. If he's out there enjoying himself, don't shame him out of his fun (even if unintentionally) by harping on his weight. You need to approach this from a perspective of compassion for his weight struggle rather than control. You can't force him to lose weight any more than anyone else could force you until *you* were ready to make a change for your own sake. You've been where he is, you have to know this already.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone, OP.

I was a chubby teenager and had a few family members who would "jokingly" tell me how bad I looked in a swimsuit at 16. The hurt never goes away and permanently chips one's self-esteem. I'm a size 4-6 now, and I *still* wear shorts and a swim shirt over my two-piece at the pool because putting it all out there "for everyone to see" is too scary.

Build him up instead of tearing him down. He will remember your negative comments for the rest of his life!

[Anonymous]

Buy him a couple of swim shirts. When he gets to the beach he will see that a lot of guys wear them. Even the super fit guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you're a troll. Because if you're not you're a horrible mother.

+1 My dad actually also told me to "keep a shirt on" when we were at the pool when I was 12. I wasn't even fat. This kind of thing contributed to years of bulimia and self-hatred.

Your poor, poor son.

[Anonymous]

Hugs....to your boy and not you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm so sorry my concern for my son comes across as being an asshole to you. I don't want him to be sitting on the beach embarrassed and opening up himself to bullying and those judgemental stares of all the skinny-mni kids and parents sharing the beach with us!

I love my son, and will no matter what the scale says or what his BMI is. Both me and DH have struggled with our weight our entire life. When he was born I was just under 300lbs and DH pushing 350. Luckily, since then both of us have lost significent amounts of weight, and while neither of us are skinny now, we are healthy, fit, and a reasonable size (I could stand to lose a few pounds still, and so I've made it a collective goal between me and DS to lose weight together).

My point being, I an well aware what it's like to be the kid with a large belly on the beach. You can't help it - people are assholes and will treat you differently, stare, and just be mean to you and it can really turn a nice beach vacation into a 'Sit in the house all week' vacation.

We saw this last year, when he was just on the line between average weight and slightly overweight, and he refused to go to the beach the second half of the trip because he was so embarrassed over his size.

And thank you to all the people who think I'm the one embarrassed. Yes, I'm not happy about his weight gain, it's not healthy and I am worried that with his genetics and habits this could be a long term struggle with him. He is very self concious of the weight gain/how he looks, probably made worse by the fact that his 13 year old half brother is skinny as a rail and can eat us out of house and home without gaining a pound while he has been trying to eat healthy and be active and continues to put on weight.

But yeah, maybe you'll are right and I'm a judgemental asshole of a parent and I should just let it go. It's just that I know my kid, and I know that once he gets to the beach he will go once, get embarrassed and mope around the rental house all week. Oh well.

Boy, are you projecting! I say this kindly - projecting my own issues onto my kid has been one of the top challenges of parenting so far. Think hard about what you're doing, and please seek the help of a qualified pediatric registered dietitian to give you advice about how to approach this. I've got a brother who has struggled with his weight his whole life because of the harsh criticism of my dad, and the constant dieting of my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm so sorry my concern for my son comes across as being an asshole to you. I don't want him to be sitting on the beach embarrassed and opening up himself to bullying and those judgemental stares of all the skinny-mni kids and parents sharing the beach with us!

I love my son, and will no matter what the scale says or what his BMI is. Both me and DH have struggled with our weight our entire life. When he was born I was just under 300lbs and DH pushing 350. Luckily, since then both of us have lost significent amounts of weight, and while neither of us are skinny now, we are healthy, fit, and a reasonable size (I could stand to lose a few pounds still, and so I've made it a collective goal between me and DS to lose weight together).

My point being, I an well aware what it's like to be the kid with a large belly on the beach. You can't help it - people are assholes and will treat you differently, stare, and just be mean to you and it can really turn a nice beach vacation into a 'Sit in the house all week' vacation.

We saw this last year, when he was just on the line between average weight and slightly overweight, and he refused to go to the beach the second half of the trip because he was so embarrassed over his size.

And thank you to all the people who think I'm the one embarrassed. Yes, I'm not happy about his weight gain, it's not healthy and I am worried that with his genetics and habits this could be a long term struggle with him. He is very self concious of the weight gain/how he looks, probably made worse by the fact that his 13 year old half brother is skinny as a rail and can eat us out of house and home without gaining a pound while he has been trying to eat healthy and be active and continues to put on weight.

But yeah, maybe you'll are right and I'm a judgemental asshole of a parent and I should just let it go. It's just that I know my kid, and I know that once he gets to the beach he will go once, get embarrassed and mope around the rental house all week. Oh well.

You've passed down your bad eating habits to your kid. I speak from experience. This is on you. Change the way your whole house eats and exercises. Teach your kid good nutrition. Leave it be with the rash guard. You are focusing on that because it's something easy to control, vs. improving everyone's diet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really can't believe all the hate you're getting for trying to help your son.

I think it's become so politically incorrect to acknowledge that being severely overweight is unhealthy (and unattractive) that people can't handle honest conversations about size.

Go ahead and buy him a rash guard and bring it on the trip. It would also help if you got one for yourself and the rest of the family. Then he can say something like "my mom's really big on sun protection/ avoiding skin cancer" and it becomes a family thing unrelated to his weight.

This is GREAT advice, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand that you find the way your child looks unattractive, but you should take some of the blame. How many meals a day does your child eat at your house? How many times does he snack at your house? I understand it is hard when they buy lunch at school, but you can really make a difference when they are at home.

1. Get rid of any unhealthy junk that can be eaten as a snack. Just don't have it at home. Make your own nuts/trail mix baggies, have fruit/veggies cut up and ready for snacking, make healthy banana bread, have kashi granolas or equivalent.
2. If your child is not active in a sport, try to go on walks after dinner as a family.
3. Make sure most of your child's plate consists of veggies (green, red, orange veggies) and a protein. This combo will give him energy and keep him full.

You have to be strong, and he has to want to go into a weight loss journey. You guys should go there with him so he doesn't feel alone and unsupported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand that you find the way your child looks unattractive, but you should take some of the blame. How many meals a day does your child eat at your house? How many times does he snack at your house? I understand it is hard when they buy lunch at school, but you can really make a difference when they are at home.

1. Get rid of any unhealthy junk that can be eaten as a snack. Just don't have it at home. Make your own nuts/trail mix baggies, have fruit/veggies cut up and ready for snacking, make healthy banana bread, have kashi granolas or equivalent.
2. If your child is not active in a sport, try to go on walks after dinner as a family.
3. Make sure most of your child's plate consists of veggies (green, red, orange veggies) and a protein. This combo will give him energy and keep him full.

You have to be strong, and he has to want to go into a weight loss journey. You guys should go there with him so he doesn't feel alone and unsupported.

I'm this PP. And BTW, make the whole thing as a family health goal, not a weight loss goal. Tell him you want him healthy and you want the whole family to be healthier. That is the right mentality for this type of journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that overweight people are disgusting in appearance, I would drop the issue. Making a big deal about things can aggravate manageable problems in a huge way.

How did you all miss this horrific comment?

It was literally the THIRD comment after the original post!

To the disgusting person who wrote this post, I hope you never have to deal with pain from judgmental ignorant trolls like yourself.

Beauty fades but stupid (and insufferable ignorance) is forever.

[Anonymous]

You are not a horrible mother. I bet most of the people on here saying bad things are the same people who would make nasty comments to you about letting your kid get overweight.

I was overweight as a kid and honestly the worst thing my parents did was lie about it and then talk about me being fat behind my back. i believe you can be honest and loving about being heavy.

Bring the shirt and let your son decide. Try not to project your fears on him. Honestly I think not being too attractive for many years helped me to develop a sense of humor and a feeling of self worth that goes beyond my look. Which is really coming in handy as I age : )

[Anonymous]

Drop it OP. It's his body, and the more weight he gains the more he makes it "his" if you are on him all the time.

Most guys don't care. If you care this much OP, you are part of the problem, because it sounds like you see his weight as a relfection of you. Why do I think that? My mother did the exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm so sorry my concern for my son comes across as being an asshole to you. I don't want him to be sitting on the beach embarrassed and opening up himself to bullying and those judgemental stares of all the skinny-mni kids and parents sharing the beach with us!

I love my son, and will no matter what the scale says or what his BMI is. Both me and DH have struggled with our weight our entire life. When he was born I was just under 300lbs and DH pushing 350. Luckily, since then both of us have lost significent amounts of weight, and while neither of us are skinny now, we are healthy, fit, and a reasonable size (I could stand to lose a few pounds still, and so I've made it a collective goal between me and DS to lose weight together).

My point being, I an well aware what it's like to be the kid with a large belly on the beach. You can't help it - people are assholes and will treat you differently, stare, and just be mean to you and it can really turn a nice beach vacation into a 'Sit in the house all week' vacation.

We saw this last year, when he was just on the line between average weight and slightly overweight, and he refused to go to the beach the second half of the trip because he was so embarrassed over his size.

And thank you to all the people who think I'm the one embarrassed. Yes, I'm not happy about his weight gain, it's not healthy and I am worried that with his genetics and habits this could be a long term struggle with him. He is very self concious of the weight gain/how he looks, probably made worse by the fact that his 13 year old half brother is skinny as a rail and can eat us out of house and home without gaining a pound while he has been trying to eat healthy and be active and continues to put on weight.

But yeah, maybe you'll are right and I'm a judgemental asshole of a parent and I should just let it go. It's just that I know my kid, and I know that once he gets to the beach he will go once, get embarrassed and mope around the rental house all week. Oh well.

Then just bring the shirt and don't say anything to him about it. If it seems like his own embarrassment is causing him to skip out on activities, offer it to him. If he's out there enjoying himself, don't shame him out of his fun (even if unintentionally) by harping on his weight. You need to approach this from a perspective of compassion for his weight struggle rather than control. You can't force him to lose weight any more than anyone else could force you until *you* were ready to make a change for your own sake. You've been where he is, you have to know this already.

+1 Wise words, PP.

OP, you are projecting so much on your son. I have no doubt that it's true you know him best and are reading his embarrassment and shame correctly, but he shouldn't be burdened by the weight of your shame and embarrassment too. What he sees and feels reflected in your eyes are the very same negative thoughts he has about himself. Please re-read your post, and try to understand why we collectively flinched and felt deep sadness for your son - for what he's enduring from you. You describe his body with revulsion and disgust, whether you are conscious of it or not.

PP nailed it - compassion is key, and compassion must lead. He's not going to lose 20 pounds before your trip in two weeks - c'mon! That you are engaging in a power struggle with him over how he will best camouflage his belly isn't compassionate, it's damaging. If you really can't understand that then you need to seek out your own counseling to help you through this without burdening your son with whatever you are carrying around in your own soul relating to your own long struggle.

You need to dial it way back. Keep focusing on wellness and healthy choices. Bring the rash guard if he changes his mind. Try to see more than his belly when you look at him, OP. It's true the world is so cruel - home has to be his safe place.

[Anonymous]

Make damn sure you find other things that you think are wonderful about him and point them out with the same energy as you put into the fat stuff!