I made a pretty big blunder in judgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

You do realize this is a terrible "game" you were playing all along? I know you thought it was mutual flirting, but I bet she's not the only one who thought it was a real date, or got excited about the possibilities. I wouldn't worry about this one girl. I would, however, start getting honest with myself about what a gross way this is to interact with women with whom you have a power and age differential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

You own this right now. It's not a female student being crazy - you're the crazy. You need to stop.

I did stop. That was made clear. The question is what should I do specifically to defuse the situation. I did not expect her to be as forward as she was (I've never had this happen).

You mean, you've never had someone ignore the "creep" part of it and actually like you? Somehow this feels even worse. This girl thought you liked her, but you were literally using her for your own jollies and then expecting her to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you sleep with her or not?

NO

[Anonymous]

Keep playing along with her and start doing all the things women find annoying. Be clingy, whiny, don't shower or brush your teeth. Hire a smaller guy to "mug" you so you look weak, or better yet, hire some attractive women to make fun of you within earshot of her. Fart and pick your nose in front of her. Be a total mama's boy and let your mom boss you around. This is DCUM, just read a few threads to find what women hate. Or you could also tell her you're gay and afraid to come out because of what family, friends, and work will think. College kids eat that up.

[Anonymous]

Your lack of maturity is astounding! College girl, older man...... If you're going to be in different states, wind it down. There is no doubt you led her on. Stop texting and stop leaving a paper trail! If she pushes for continued contact use the phone to gently let her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is that she was no longer your student when this flirtation occurred. You are worried that you'll look like a person with poor judgment - but that is the reality, you did indeed show poor judgment (and have with other students as well, it sounds like). Worst case scenario you will be exposed for exactly who you are and what you did.

But as long as you have texts showing the timeline and that she was pursuing you, it shouldn't be a job-ending thing. Your colleagues would just know that you are a flirt, and that you are not beyond flirting with your very young and impressionable students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are focusing on meeting up with her, but don't forget the sexting. No one over 22 sexts, and people who do are by definition creepy loose cannons. Why? Because post-college, we have lives that can be ruined by it. In the future be more circumspect in your communications. If you want to say something sexy meet up in person and say it only when it's clear it'll be welcome.

Lol at "no one over 22 sexts". Just shows how out of touch with reality you are.

[Anonymous]

Why abbreviate "different"? That's the thing blowing my mind in this thread.

[Anonymous]

I've been that 19yo. Granted I was a little older. But I flew too close to the sun several times. I knew we both were flying too close to the sun. But the flirting and what-if was too fun. And usually, one or both of us would wake up and realize it wasn't a great idea and back off.

Please be kind and not just ghost her. I would first get some distance from her. Tell her that with your move and new job that you'll will be busy and not able to communicate as much. Then after a few months, if she is still contacting you, tell her that you don't like long distance relationships and there isn't going to be anything else between the two of you. At 19, I'm sure she'll find a new thing to distract her soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been that 19yo. Granted I was a little older. But I flew too close to the sun several times. I knew we both were flying too close to the sun. But the flirting and what-if was too fun. And usually, one or both of us would wake up and realize it wasn't a great idea and back off.

Please be kind and not just ghost her. I would first get some distance from her. Tell her that with your move and new job that you'll will be busy and not able to communicate as much. Then after a few months, if she is still contacting you, tell her that you don't like long distance relationships and there isn't going to be anything else between the two of you. At 19, I'm sure she'll find a new thing to distract her soon.

OP here. Thank you so much. You bring some really helpful wisdom to the scene. I don't want to ghost her but half my friends are now saying to "not engage" since she hasn't reached back out to me. A few older guy friends of mine are taking a different view and saying I should reach out with an occasional text but reiterate my business and be very adult-like and boring about what I text her by asking questions about her job search, summer plans, and stuff that is not related to romance or anything of that variety. Do you have any advice for which approach would be best?

[Anonymous]

Your behaviour is really creepy- cut it out!
Incredibly unprofessional. Find yourself a girlfriend around your age and stop preying on female students. Just think of the power differential. Do you ever take male students out for coffee or do you just ignore them? Also, even if you get lucky and don't get into trouble, people (your colleagues and other students) notice these things and it will not look good for you. They will never say anything to your face but word gets around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your behaviour is really creepy- cut it out!
Incredibly unprofessional. Find yourself a girlfriend around your age and stop preying on female students. Just think of the power differential. Do you ever take male students out for coffee or do you just ignore them? Also, even if you get lucky and don't get into trouble, people (your colleagues and other students) notice these things and it will not look good for you. They will never say anything to your face but word gets around.

Yes, I do take male students out for coffee/lunch. I teach at a selective liberal arts college where this sort of faculty-student interaction occurs a lot. And as the post makes clear, I intend never to allow this sort of situation to arise again by being more prudent. But that is not helpful for explaining how to deal with the current situation in the most ethical/prudent manner.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure OP has been flirty/enjoyed the "tension" with students many times before. But this time, for some reason, he's afraid he will be caught. I get the sense that we've only heard maybe 30% of the story.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't think this is a problem, and I have a good creep-o-meter. My husband and I have almost that age difference. I know plenty of people married to former students (ok, that sets me creep-o-Meyer buzzing a little, but as long as they aver it started after the student left, what on earth could be the objection?).