I made a pretty big blunder in judgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're moving far away, shouldn't that be a pretty good excuse? Probably the best excuse in the book. Haven't you tried to use that as a reason to break things off?

This. Seems like the problem will naturally fade on it's own. Don't make an invite to visit part of your "slow fade". Would tell her another teacher had mentioned seeing you two out and threatened to report it. Tell her even though she is no longer a student, you can't afford taking risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're moving far away, shouldn't that be a pretty good excuse? Probably the best excuse in the book. Haven't you tried to use that as a reason to break things off?

This. Seems like the problem will naturally fade on it's own. Don't make an invite to visit part of your "slow fade". Would tell her another teacher had mentioned seeing you two out and threatened to report it. Tell her even though she is no longer a student, you can't afford taking risks.

Report them for what? They had coffee and saw a movie.

[Anonymous]

There's no way she will go to your new university or that they will care you saw a movie with a former student when you were no longer employed by the previous school. Seriously you're working yourself into a lather and I guarantee you she doesn't care enough to try to ruin your career over not seeing more movies with you. She's just a young girl who was having fun, she will very quickly move on when you say nothing else will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're moving far away, shouldn't that be a pretty good excuse? Probably the best excuse in the book. Haven't you tried to use that as a reason to break things off?

This. Seems like the problem will naturally fade on it's own. Don't make an invite to visit part of your "slow fade". Would tell her another teacher had mentioned seeing you two out and threatened to report it. Tell her even though she is no longer a student, you can't afford taking risks.

Report them for what? They had coffee and saw a movie.

I'm unsure what of cuddling / bumping entails. Dry humping?

[Anonymous]

Be kind and honest. Say "I think you are terrific but I am afraid I have misled you. I am not interested in taking this any further. You are fantastic and deserve a great guy your own age." You 100000% percent led on this CHILD (19! yrs old) because you enjoyed it and got off on the power differential. You're right to be concerned. The best way to diffuse is to be honest and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

You keep adding little details that suggest that you were flying a little closer to the sun than you originally indicated.

This. OP - your text messages were probably over the line and you know that if they were read aloud back to you, you'd cringe.

As pointed out, flirting over coffee is one thing. Cuddling and rubbing against someone is something totally different.

But moving forward: agree that the best way is avoid escalating the situation. Just slowly fade.

[Anonymous]

I think you are getting worked up over nothing. Maybe you are more focused on a potential worst case scenario? I just don't think it's realistic that anything will happen. I don't know the age difference but it sounds slightly creepy. I would probably just use it as a learning experience and have more well defined boundaries with students or former students. Most everyone in the world has done much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

That's because you are someone without good judgment. 33 years old, and you're running to a message board to clean up your mess? You're a creeper and totally inappropriate. My husband is a professor, and if he were on the hiring committee and heard about this, he'd file your CV in the trash can. There are lots of candidates that can keep it in their pants.

[Anonymous]

Also, it is likely that during previous coffees with students, the "tension" is that you are crossing lines and they feel uncomfortable. They think they are going to get career or academic advice, you turn into a creepster. Just stop.

I think the ship has sailed on this so you just need to put it behind you as best you can.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to these sanctimonious chubsters. The age difference isn't that bad. Doing something like that just isn't worth the risk.

[Anonymous]

Have you posted before about a relationship with a student OP?

[Anonymous]

You are focusing on meeting up with her, but don't forget the sexting. No one over 22 sexts, and people who do are by definition creepy loose cannons. Why? Because post-college, we have lives that can be ruined by it. In the future be more circumspect in your communications. If you want to say something sexy meet up in person and say it only when it's clear it'll be welcome.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew what school you were moving to, so I could tell my daughters to avoid it. You are a jerk. And please learn how to spell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are focusing on meeting up with her, but don't forget the sexting. No one over 22 sexts, and people who do are by definition creepy loose cannons. Why? Because post-college, we have lives that can be ruined by it. In the future be more circumspect in your communications. If you want to say something sexy meet up in person and say it only when it's clear it'll be welcome.

Disagree. It's actually fun. What careful people don't do is sext with randos or send identifiable nude pics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't listen to these sanctimonious chubsters. The age difference isn't that bad. Doing something like that just isn't worth the risk.

It's not illegal, but most people would find a guy in his 30s fooling around with a 19 year old to be inappropriate. If he was 42 and she was 28, it wouldn't be a big deal, despite the same age difference. It's less about the age difference, and more about the fact that she is in a different stage of life.