I made a pretty big blunder in judgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been that 19yo. Granted I was a little older. But I flew too close to the sun several times. I knew we both were flying too close to the sun. But the flirting and what-if was too fun. And usually, one or both of us would wake up and realize it wasn't a great idea and back off.

Please be kind and not just ghost her. I would first get some distance from her. Tell her that with your move and new job that you'll will be busy and not able to communicate as much. Then after a few months, if she is still contacting you, tell her that you don't like long distance relationships and there isn't going to be anything else between the two of you. At 19, I'm sure she'll find a new thing to distract her soon.

OP here. Thank you so much. You bring some really helpful wisdom to the scene. I don't want to ghost her but half my friends are now saying to "not engage" since she hasn't reached back out to me. A few older guy friends of mine are taking a different view and saying I should reach out with an occasional text but reiterate my business and be very adult-like and boring about what I text her by asking questions about her job search, summer plans, and stuff that is not related to romance or anything of that variety. Do you have any advice for which approach would be best?

OMG. If she isn't replying to your texts, STOP TEXTING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The setting is college. The student no longer attends the university (not because of graduation, for other reasons) and I am no longer employed by this particular university (have moved on to another one). When we got together socially (the student and I) it was after the student was no longer a student at the college and all authority had been removed. Unfortunately my concern is more along the lines of if the student gets angry because nothing develops that the student goes to the university I am about to join and uses texts we have exchange to create a story that I was predatory. Again I take responsibility for being stupid here, but am just looking for advice on how to diffuse. Am I best trying to talk directly to the student (who btw is not currently angry -- just confused about where things are going) or do I play the slow de-escalation route.

You might want to seek advice about how to defuse. Diffuse and defuse have different meanings, but they are commonly confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been that 19yo. Granted I was a little older. But I flew too close to the sun several times. I knew we both were flying too close to the sun. But the flirting and what-if was too fun. And usually, one or both of us would wake up and realize it wasn't a great idea and back off.

Please be kind and not just ghost her. I would first get some distance from her. Tell her that with your move and new job that you'll will be busy and not able to communicate as much. Then after a few months, if she is still contacting you, tell her that you don't like long distance relationships and there isn't going to be anything else between the two of you. At 19, I'm sure she'll find a new thing to distract her soon.

Your first two sentences are contradictory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is that she was no longer your student when this flirtation occurred. You are worried that you'll look like a person with poor judgment - but that is the reality, you did indeed show poor judgment (and have with other students as well, it sounds like). Worst case scenario you will be exposed for exactly who you are and what you did.

But as long as you have texts showing the timeline and that she was pursuing you, it shouldn't be a job-ending thing. Your colleagues would just know that you are a flirt, and that you are not beyond flirting with your very young and impressionable students.

Meant to add that it shouldn't compromise your position. Maybe your reputation, but not your career. Regardless, I doubt it will come to that anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been that 19yo. Granted I was a little older. But I flew too close to the sun several times. I knew we both were flying too close to the sun. But the flirting and what-if was too fun. And usually, one or both of us would wake up and realize it wasn't a great idea and back off.

Please be kind and not just ghost her. I would first get some distance from her. Tell her that with your move and new job that you'll will be busy and not able to communicate as much. Then after a few months, if she is still contacting you, tell her that you don't like long distance relationships and there isn't going to be anything else between the two of you. At 19, I'm sure she'll find a new thing to distract her soon.

OP here. Thank you so much. You bring some really helpful wisdom to the scene. I don't want to ghost her but half my friends are now saying to "not engage" since she hasn't reached back out to me. A few older guy friends of mine are taking a different view and saying I should reach out with an occasional text but reiterate my business and be very adult-like and boring about what I text her by asking questions about her job search, summer plans, and stuff that is not related to romance or anything of that variety. Do you have any advice for which approach would be best?

OMG. If she isn't replying to your texts, STOP TEXTING.

+1 Ghosting is one thing. Letting it fizzle out is fine. Don't initiate. Jesus Christ. Have you never had a real relationship or have you only had these coffee/tension/faux relationship/student-teacher power imbalance "relationships"?

[Anonymous]

stop having those coffees. totally inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP you remind me of a good friend of mine who engaged in this sort of stuff at a selective liberal arts college. He managed to emerge unscathed but I was convinced it was going to end badly ... but he managed to scrape through it, barely, and now is in a long-term relationship with an age appropriate woman.

Also, stop talking to your male friends about this. That's creepy too and they might not be good barometers about how to treat students and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:stop having those coffees. totally inappropriate.

Or have them with groups of students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The setting is college. The student no longer attends the university (not because of graduation, for other reasons) and I am no longer employed by this particular university (have moved on to another one). When we got together socially (the student and I) it was after the student was no longer a student at the college and all authority had been removed. Unfortunately my concern is more along the lines of if the student gets angry because nothing develops that the student goes to the university I am about to join and uses texts we have exchange to create a story that I was predatory. Again I take responsibility for being stupid here, but am just looking for advice on how to diffuse. Am I best trying to talk directly to the student (who btw is not currently angry -- just confused about where things are going) or do I play the slow de-escalation route.

Oh well all that will be easily be resolved by you continually texting her LIKE A FRIGGIN PREDATOR.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not texting her. I have not engaged with her. Not sure why people are having a difficult time following along here. My concern is that a "hard ghost" as opposed to a soft/gentle/ "fade" where texting transitions to boring adult/professional topics only will result in anger on her part.

I have not made any moves. She has not texted me. But I've observed her posting on social media about being frustrated that she hasn't "heard" from someone.

I'm basically trying to DEFUSE the situation, but not sure whether a straight disengage or a slow fade is better to avert potential anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are focusing on meeting up with her, but don't forget the sexting. No one over 22 sexts, and people who do are by definition creepy loose cannons. Why? Because post-college, we have lives that can be ruined by it. In the future be more circumspect in your communications. If you want to say something sexy meet up in person and say it only when it's clear it'll be welcome.

Lol at "no one over 22 sexts". Just shows how out of touch with reality you are.

Uhh. I didn't mean literally no one, just that those that do are creepy and immature. Just because a lot of people do it doesn't make it normal, healthy, appropriate or mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

OP, have you ever heard of boundaries? I'm glad you're coming to your senses now but, FFS, you are responsible for giving mixed messages to a younger, very impressionable person, regardless of whether she is currently your student at the same university! So damn tired of professors who don't want to honestly acknowledge the power differential with younger people in this day and age. I know you feel bad about this already but WTF were you thinking when it happened??!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

Re-read what you wrote. Is this professional and appropriate?
I had a high school teacher like you once. He got off on establishing close relationships w female students, always taking it just up to the line. Don't be a creeper like that. Get some help for your issues.

Agree with this pp. Now you know that even having coffee and flirting is irresponsible for a person with more power in the situation and I'm glad you're going to change your behavior going forward. But you might want to work with a therapist on this, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are focusing on meeting up with her, but don't forget the sexting. No one over 22 sexts, and people who do are by definition creepy loose cannons. Why? Because post-college, we have lives that can be ruined by it. In the future be more circumspect in your communications. If you want to say something sexy meet up in person and say it only when it's clear it'll be welcome.

Lol at "no one over 22 sexts". Just shows how out of touch with reality you are.

Uhh. I didn't mean literally no one, just that those that do are creepy and immature. Just because a lot of people do it doesn't make it normal, healthy, appropriate or mature.

What's wrong with it? What makes it creepy and inappropriate (especially within a relationship)? Of course there are cases when it's obviously gross, like when its unsolicited, but between consenting adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not texting her. I have not engaged with her. Not sure why people are having a difficult time following along here. My concern is that a "hard ghost" as opposed to a soft/gentle/ "fade" where texting transitions to boring adult/professional topics only will result in anger on her part.

I have not made any moves. She has not texted me. But I've observed her posting on social media about being frustrated that she hasn't "heard" from someone.

I'm basically trying to DEFUSE the situation, but not sure whether a straight disengage or a slow fade is better to avert potential anger.

So she hasn't texted you, and you haven't texted her, so there's no actual problem, but you think she's pining after you because you're stalking her social media and you assume her vaguebooking is about you.