I made a pretty big blunder in judgment

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. A former student (presumably not a minor) sent him unsolicited, sexual photos. Even if there was some risque text conversation, he was not her boss/professor at the time, and he was not married. What is he supposed to apologize for?

I would just politely ask her not to send you images like that anymore and try to gently taper any further communication and keep it as family-friendly as possible.

[Anonymous]

Drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

Re-read what you wrote. Is this professional and appropriate?
I had a high school teacher like you once. He got off on establishing close relationships w female students, always taking it just up to the line. Don't be a creeper like that. Get some help for your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

Re-read what you wrote. Is this professional and appropriate?
I had a high school teacher like you once. He got off on establishing close relationships w female students, always taking it just up to the line. Don't be a creeper like that. Get some help for your issues.

I already took responsibility for saying this behavior has been stupid and have decided to cease it entirely going forward. Looking for advice on how to behave now with this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

[Anonymous]

Agree that the slow fade is a good move. Another one is to talk about old people stuff...great way to turn a girl off. Examples include old people music, home repairs, that new lawnmower you're interested in, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

You do need to stop being a dufous - you don't go for coffee with students to 'enjoy the tension'. You sound creepy and unprofessional which is why you are worried. Stop behaving that way when you make your fresh start. Date roller derby girls or local scientists (probably one in the same) instead - no more student coffees .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

You own this right now. It's not a female student being crazy - you're the crazy. You need to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

You own this right now. It's not a female student being crazy - you're the crazy. You need to stop.

I did stop. That was made clear. The question is what should I do specifically to defuse the situation. I did not expect her to be as forward as she was (I've never had this happen).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

Thank you. This is good advice and about all I can really do right now. It was one social night out on the town that did not involve a hook up beyond a little cuddling/bumping up against each other. My main mistake was flirting back later that evening when she escalated the banter -- fortunately nothing too x-rated, but enough to make me look like someone without good judgement.

You keep adding little details that suggest that you were flying a little closer to the sun than you originally indicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.

No offense but I've older prof friends who are telling me diff. I would love to believe you. But, they are telling me based on the texts this student could--if angry or made upset--contact my future university employer and tell them I'm a sex predator. And while not true, let's look at the current landscape of sexual harassment claims on college campuses. Not exactly a stretch to say some noise/smoke can lead to problems. Maybe it doesn't even emanate from the student but from a parent or sibling who observes the student looking upset or depressed, asks questions, then comes to wrongly believe student was harassed or that they need to warn future employer of predatory behavior...

I think you are right to be cautious. There are some young women who get into relationships with older men and then try to wreck their lives if he breaks it off. Hopefully, she is not one of them, but play it safe. Just make it clear that you don't want her to send you photos like that any more and try to steer things away from anything that could be construed as sexual. Over the long haul, just gradually do a fade out. If she isn't nuts, she'll move on as well. If she tries something, it doesn't sound like you did anything illegal, or break any rules. In the future, maintain a professional distance from women in the workplace at all times, ESPECIALLY if you work in academia. One "joke" that falls flat could end your career.

[Anonymous]

If you're moving far away, shouldn't that be a pretty good excuse? Probably the best excuse in the book. Haven't you tried to use that as a reason to break things off?

[Anonymous]

Did you sleep with her or not?