I made a pretty big blunder in judgment

[Anonymous]

Think professor / former student
Boss / former intern

No sex or hookup happened and both parties are legally adults and not violating any policies -- also no one is married

But perception is reality and I am worried because the younger party was naive enough to think and maybe still thinks something could come of this

I didn't send any photos, the younger party did. I did not encourage it, but of course I wouldn't want my boss reading the transcript either (it just looks bad given the context)

My question now is what approach should I take with the younger party?

I worry that a direct "we need to remain friends" will, with emotions/excitement running high" reverberate and make the younger party angry, yet I don't want to be accused of leading them on. Not sure how to de-escalate things

[Anonymous]

Hopefully you're young enough to pull off the I'm so dumb excuse.

Maybe watch Swimfan so you know what to expect.

Slowly taper contact and hope she moves on. Be prepared to discuss with HR if she threatens. Better you to tell them you f*cked up than her.

[Anonymous]

awesome reference to Swimfan!

[Anonymous]

OP here. The setting is college. The student no longer attends the university (not because of graduation, for other reasons) and I am no longer employed by this particular university (have moved on to another one). When we got together socially (the student and I) it was after the student was no longer a student at the college and all authority had been removed. Unfortunately my concern is more along the lines of if the student gets angry because nothing develops that the student goes to the university I am about to join and uses texts we have exchange to create a story that I was predatory. Again I take responsibility for being stupid here, but am just looking for advice on how to diffuse. Am I best trying to talk directly to the student (who btw is not currently angry -- just confused about where things are going) or do I play the slow de-escalation route.

[Anonymous]

This sounds a little paranoid. Why would there be a problem with this (1) if you got together after the student wasn't a student anymore and (2) if you no longer even work at the school? Unless there is something you're not telling us. Was the students departure related to this, or was your departure related to it, or perhaps a similar incident with an active student?

[Anonymous]

Is the student going to attend your new university? I think there's a typo and I can't tell.

[Anonymous]

Wow man. Bad move. Try being honest with her.

[Anonymous]

You sound really paranoid. Unless you are much, much older, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, even if you wanted to peruse a relationship with her (or him). As the younger party, I dated one former boss for a couple months after I left my job, and I'm currently married to the man who I started dating when I was his intern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds a little paranoid. Why would there be a problem with this (1) if you got together after the student wasn't a student anymore and (2) if you no longer even work at the school? Unless there is something you're not telling us. Was the students departure related to this, or was your departure related to it, or perhaps a similar incident with an active student?

willing to bet it's that she is a whole lot younger (like 20 yrs) and/or she is mentally unstable, which he knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The setting is college. The student no longer attends the university (not because of graduation, for other reasons) and I am no longer employed by this particular university (have moved on to another one). When we got together socially (the student and I) it was after the student was no longer a student at the college and all authority had been removed. Unfortunately my concern is more along the lines of if the student gets angry because nothing develops that the student goes to the university I am about to join and uses texts we have exchange to create a story that I was predatory. Again I take responsibility for being stupid here, but am just looking for advice on how to diffuse. Am I best trying to talk directly to the student (who btw is not currently angry -- just confused about where things are going) or do I play the slow de-escalation route.

Don't stir anything up until you get the new job and have locked it in (not sure how long it will take). Keep your texts back noncommittal. Start tapering down the texts using the excuse that you are busy at work, etc. After a few months, I don't think she can do as much damage as you think.

[Anonymous]

be honest - why do you think she thinks it meant something it didn't? you must have known and likely enjoyed the ego boost. acknlowlege that, tell her you think she is smart, talented, great, whatever, but that you can't let things go any further. and APOLOGIZE.

[Anonymous]

How long did this go on? How long after she was your student? What is the age difference? How intense was it?

Yeah, bad optics from what you've shared so far. More context may clear that up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We went on 1 "date" that was never labelled as such. I've had coffee with students before and it's usually a mutual ego boost thing. No one makes a move, we just both enjoy the tension/idea. Nothing has ever happened. In this case, after the meet up happened, the former student started sending photos that were not asked for (not nudes, but suggestive) and I played along with some suggestive/humoring responses. Student is never again going to be a student of mine and I will be teaching at a totally diff school in another state. Just mortified at my lack of judgement. Big age diff 14 years. And never in a million years thought student would really think this could be a "thing" given student knows I'm moving far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How long did this go on? How long after she was your student? What is the age difference? How intense was it?

Yeah, bad optics from what you've shared so far. More context may clear that up.

19 / 33

Not intense. Student revealed later on (during date) that certain outfits were worn to office hours in an effort to get my attention that student had crush on prof for a while but prof had no way to know. Prof should have cut it off after coffee but saw a movie w former student that night. Again both no longer at college, but OPTICS horrible.

Again main question here is how to handle. Blunt and direct "we can't do this" or slow play de-escalate?

[Anonymous]

Who cares? If this all happened after she wasn't a student at the school, what's the problem? I assume she was legally an adult? If so, then nobody will care. You sound like you're just jerking yourself off over this.