Mother in Law mad that I asked her for advance notice when she stops by

[Anonymous]

PP here. DH and I also have a rule in our house: I deal with all communication with my family, and he deals with all communication with his family. Your DH should maybe mention to his mom that the same way you don't expect him to communicate constantly with your parents, he doesn't expect you to constantly communicate with his family. It's so important for a balanced marriage, and just because you two had a baby doesn't mean you're suddenly obligated to constantly communicate with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to have a boundaries talk with her. The new baby is the perfect excuse. He should do it in the most loving way, but he needs to make her understand that just because you're a stay at home mom doesn't mean the door is always open Monday-Friday. (He can remind her that she most likely didn't allow her MIL into her day at every one of her MIL's whims.) You can't have this talk. It can only come from him because nothing he says to her will make her think less of him - but it will make her think less of you if you try telling her any of it. Have him take her out to lunch one day, just mother and son. She'll probably respond well if he tells her from the heart why certain boundaries during the week are important. DH and I went through the same thing. It's just 'growing pains' as I like to refer to it. But now, we're in a great groove with his mom (who also lives 20 minutes away!)

I hate when people say the husband has to step in. The OP is an adult and should be able to manage her own relationships with the people in her life. Nothing worse in family relationships than telling someone to tell someone else how you feel. I wouldn't even trust my husband with that conversation, because it's tempered by how he feels about each of us. Bad set up.

The OP handled it the way she wanted and now she's the only one who can determine if it had the desired effect. Sometimes the first solution you try isn't the one that works. That doesn't mean she's wrong or that it's not worth trying again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. DH and I also have a rule in our house: I deal with all communication with my family, and he deals with all communication with his family. Your DH should maybe mention to his mom that the same way you don't expect him to communicate constantly with your parents, he doesn't expect you to constantly communicate with his family. It's so important for a balanced marriage, and just because you two had a baby doesn't mean you're suddenly obligated to constantly communicate with his mom.

But what if your DH thinks you're in the wrong in this situation? What if his mother interprets what he says as agreement with her and then starts looking for other areas in which her son disagrees with his wife?

It might work well for you and your family, but I think this kind of rule has a lot of potential downside. Like a game of telephone, too much room for miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to have a boundaries talk with her. The new baby is the perfect excuse. He should do it in the most loving way, but he needs to make her understand that just because you're a stay at home mom doesn't mean the door is always open Monday-Friday. (He can remind her that she most likely didn't allow her MIL into her day at every one of her MIL's whims.) You can't have this talk. It can only come from him because nothing he says to her will make her think less of him - but it will make her think less of you if you try telling her any of it. Have him take her out to lunch one day, just mother and son. She'll probably respond well if he tells her from the heart why certain boundaries during the week are important. DH and I went through the same thing. It's just 'growing pains' as I like to refer to it. But now, we're in a great groove with his mom (who also lives 20 minutes away!)

I hate when people say the husband has to step in. The OP is an adult and should be able to manage her own relationships with the people in her life. Nothing worse in family relationships than telling someone to tell someone else how you feel. I wouldn't even trust my husband with that conversation, because it's tempered by how he feels about each of us. Bad set up.

The OP handled it the way she wanted and now she's the only one who can determine if it had the desired effect. Sometimes the first solution you try isn't the one that works. That doesn't mean she's wrong or that it's not worth trying again.

You sound like a pill. Of course the husband needs to step in. It's his mother.

[Anonymous]

Wow! I could've written this. Almost 5 years later and this is still happening to me. I'm a SAHM as well and my inlaws take it for granted that I'm always available and accessible. I think you need to be clear. In situations like yours I've normally always responded back with. How about 3? 2:00 won't work etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deal with this with My DH and his family as we just communicate and 'plan' differently. I learned to start communicating differently. For example: in response to her morning text I would have said "Great! We are excited to see you. I do have a few things planned for today so let me know what time I can expect you so I am sure to be home." or "Give me a head's up when you are about an hour away so I can be sure to be home." I would do this even if I am not going anywhere.

Yes!!! I totally do this now too!

[Anonymous]

20 min is not long enough to clean the house. She's acting like a baby and needs to get over herself. She has no boundaries. You did the right thing. Let her stew in her own juices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks all for your feedback, it's always helpful to hear other viewpoints. I agreed with replies on both sides so I just sent her a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I told her that reading through our text thread, I can see where she did what I asked. She told me that she'd be coming by and then texted when she was on her way. Then I said "I just think everyone has different opinions on advance notice and I hadn't really gone into detail with you about my preferences when we talked about it earlier. I'm glad we cleared thing up more now. Xo"

It really doesn't sound like you have cleared anything up. You haven't told her what advance notice means to you, what she can do that you would consider acceptable.. You have also decided the situation is resolved based only on your own feelings about it.

The apology is the bolded. I can see you did what I asked, e.g. I was wrong and you were right. Yes, it's not explicit, but accepting blame for the misunderstanding is an apology.

As for "what advance notice means to you" she'll be more explicit the next time MIL wants to come over. If MIL sends a note saying she wants to stop by that day, OP now has 4 pages of suggestions from others, including many who think like her MIL about how to respond so that MIL knows how to convey when she'll be coming.

You sound like the type to hold grudges. You get your panties in a twist when someone offends you and you expect them to grovel for an apology and expect them to completely bend over backwards to appease you before you'll acknowledge an apology. You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 min is not long enough to clean the house. She's acting like a baby and needs to get over herself. She has no boundaries. You did the right thing. Let her stew in her own juices.

You need to clean the house for your MIL to stop by? When you have a newborn? Ugh. I'm glad that I have a good enough relationship with my MIL that wouldn't need to happen. Although she doesn't drop by (she lives across the country), when she comes for a week, she gets to live with the way the house is. We clean briefly, but then she lives with us and sees how life happens. She pitches in to help a little (she has mobility issues) in cleaning and cooking while she's there, but we don't have to clean for her. We cleaned for her before children and maybe when our preschoolers are in school and more independent, we'll clean again, but not now and she understands and helps where she can.

[Anonymous]

I think you should not deal with this at all via text and just have a conversation about it in person. Texting messes up everything because you can't see the person's face, hear their tone, or do anything immediately to change gears or lighten the situation. You can just say, the next time she comes over - 'Susie, can we figure out a system for how to organize our visits? I want you to see the baby as much as you'd like (if you want that), but I need a little lead time. Could we plan a day in advance? That way I can get my stuff done but still have a nice visit with you". Or whatever.