Mother in Law mad that I asked her for advance notice when she stops by

[Anonymous]

She did what you asked. You're being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sounds good, let me know what time"

You actually wrote that, OP. Your MIL is understandably annoyed that you would go back on what you said. When people say the above, it means people call you as they go out the door, and in her case, since she lives close by, it implies you only get a few minutes' warning before they arrive.

You should have said: "Tell me a day ahead or the morning of."

I can't tell whether your MIL overreacted this one time or whether you're always a little bit off in your communication and it's getting to her.
But you know what? Be specific. Don't expect people to guess what you mean.

What? If I ask you to let me know what time you are coming over, that means you say 2pm or 3pm or whatever. Not that you can text me/call me when you are on your way.

OP - I am on your side, but I think you need to do some damage control here. Invite your MIL out to lunch, or to an activity (or three) with your LO. There are advantages to having family nearby, and there are clearly some disadvantages. If you don't want her dropping by, you need to be proactive. Set up a weekly picnic or something.

Sure you can interpret as you're saying, but mil's interpretation was reasonable. This was a misunderstanding that has escalated by both parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sounds good, let me know what time"

You actually wrote that, OP. Your MIL is understandably annoyed that you would go back on what you said. When people say the above, it means people call you as they go out the door, and in her case, since she lives close by, it implies you only get a few minutes' warning before they arrive.

You should have said: "Tell me a day ahead or the morning of."

I can't tell whether your MIL overreacted this one time or whether you're always a little bit off in your communication and it's getting to her.
But you know what? Be specific. Don't expect people to guess what you mean.

What? If I ask you to let me know what time you are coming over, that means you say 2pm or 3pm or whatever. Not that you can text me/call me when you are on your way.

OP - I am on your side, but I think you need to do some damage control here. Invite your MIL out to lunch, or to an activity (or three) with your LO. There are advantages to having family nearby, and there are clearly some disadvantages. If you don't want her dropping by, you need to be proactive. Set up a weekly picnic or something.

That's your take on it, and I guarantee that others will understand it to mean they can tell you when they're leaving.

[Anonymous]

I deal with this with My DH and his family as we just communicate and 'plan' differently. I learned to start communicating differently. For example: in response to her morning text I would have said "Great! We are excited to see you. I do have a few things planned for today so let me know what time I can expect you so I am sure to be home." or "Give me a head's up when you are about an hour away so I can be sure to be home." I would do this even if I am not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Time. Op, let some time go by

[Anonymous]

In the bigger picture, it is reasonable to want to know if someone is coming over if you are someone who doesn't like people dropping by.

In this case, you are in the wrong OP. She texted asking if it was okay to come over, you said yes. She texted you when she was leaving and gave you 20 minutes notice and I assume you responded in a way that gave her the impression it was okay to come.

Then you got irritated with her for doing what you had asked her to do. If you had some other idea in your head of what was required of her, you didn't communicate that to her before her arrival.

To then text back and say you want her to be able to come without an invite or without making an appointments doesn't make sense. That is what you want her to do. You don't want her to come unless a clear time has been arranged in advance for her to visit - that is an appointment. If that is your requirement, that is your choice. She probably thought there would be less formality as family but that is her hurt to deal with.

What you need to do is set up exactly what you require. For example, tell her "I require a minimum of 24 hours notice of a visit and a specific time (i.e. 2-4) provided to me. I will respond within 6 hours to let you know if that appointment can work. If not, I will suggest another time that will be more convenient."

That way your expectations have been clearly communicated and she can choose if she wants to follow your rules to be able to see her grandchild. I assume you would have the same rules for your own family and other visitors.

[Anonymous]

OP, I tend to agree with the camp that "Sounds good, let me know what time," is sufficiently vague that calling when she is on her way is understandable.

I think when she is finally speaking to you again (I would give her a few days to calm down), then you say that you're sorry about the misunderstanding, that you do want her to be able to visit with her grandson but that you'd like X amount of notice when she's coming, whether that's an hour, 4 hours or a day. Clearly, your expectations and understandings are different than hers and you can clear this up by being more explicit rather than vague about your expectations. It you said that she can come over any day with about 2 hours notice, then I'm sure she'd understand. Misunderstandings happen so often when people have different expectations and the only way to solve those is to be more explicit rather than implicit when communicating.

[Anonymous]

I think what you said could have been interpreted different ways. Just tell her sorry for the misunderstanding then reiterate that you need advance notice and that you two need to agree on the actual time, not for her to say I'll be there in 20 minutes whenever she feels like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sounds good, let me know what time"

You actually wrote that, OP. Your MIL is understandably annoyed that you would go back on what you said. When people say the above, it means people call you as they go out the door, and in her case, since she lives close by, it implies you only get a few minutes' warning before they arrive.

You should have said: "Tell me a day ahead or the morning of."

I can't tell whether your MIL overreacted this one time or whether you're always a little bit off in your communication and it's getting to her.
But you know what? Be specific. Don't expect people to guess what you mean.

What? If I ask you to let me know what time you are coming over, that means you say 2pm or 3pm or whatever. Not that you can text me/call me when you are on your way.

OP - I am on your side, but I think you need to do some damage control here. Invite your MIL out to lunch, or to an activity (or three) with your LO. There are advantages to having family nearby, and there are clearly some disadvantages. If you don't want her dropping by, you need to be proactive. Set up a weekly picnic or something.

That's your take on it, and I guarantee that others will understand it to mean they can tell you when they're leaving.

I know, which is why I posted, since many people clearly interpret it MIL's way. And it is also why I posted that OP needs to do some damage control.

I am the type of person that I don't like drop ins, drop bys, whatever. I also don't want anyone coming by my house several times a week. There is NOTHING wrong with that, and OP's MIL needs to deal. But OP needs to be clear. Now that she knows that her MIL interpreted her statement to mean just call when she was on her way, when MIL untwists her panties, they can have an adult conversation.

[Anonymous]

Texting is the worst for this kind of thing. With your mil, someone you know you're trying to set boundaries with and someone you know misinterprets your texts, you must be direct to get what you want.
"What time do you want to come?"
"We'd love to see you. Come over at 3"
Most of all remember that what you want is important. If it's not a good time for her to stop by, it's not. You're not being unreasonable by asking her when she's coming over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the bigger picture, it is reasonable to want to know if someone is coming over if you are someone who doesn't like people dropping by.

In this case, you are in the wrong OP. She texted asking if it was okay to come over, you said yes. She texted you when she was leaving and gave you 20 minutes notice and I assume you responded in a way that gave her the impression it was okay to come.

Then you got irritated with her for doing what you had asked her to do. If you had some other idea in your head of what was required of her, you didn't communicate that to her before her arrival.

To then text back and say you want her to be able to come without an invite or without making an appointments doesn't make sense. That is what you want her to do. You don't want her to come unless a clear time has been arranged in advance for her to visit - that is an appointment. If that is your requirement, that is your choice. She probably thought there would be less formality as family but that is her hurt to deal with.

What you need to do is set up exactly what you require. For example, tell her "I require a minimum of 24 hours notice of a visit and a specific time (i.e. 2-4) provided to me. I will respond within 6 hours to let you know if that appointment can work. If not, I will suggest another time that will be more convenient."

That way your expectations have been clearly communicated and she can choose if she wants to follow your rules to be able to see her grandchild. I assume you would have the same rules for your own family and other visitors.

OMG. Don't do this to your MIL.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. "Let me know when" means to give a specific time, not let me know when you're on your way and will be here in 20 minutes. Some people are totally fine with drop-ins, and some aren't (I'm the latter). She may be mad but she needs to grow up and get over it. And you can tell her more exactly what you need in terms of advance notice. If she wants to act like that's "making an appointment," then fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Texting is the worst for this kind of thing. With your mil, someone you know you're trying to set boundaries with and someone you know misinterprets your texts, you must be direct to get what you want.
"What time do you want to come?"
"We'd love to see you. Come over at 3"
Most of all remember that what you want is important. If it's not a good time for her to stop by, it's not. You're not being unreasonable by asking her when she's coming over.

This. If she calls you Tuesday morning, you need to give her a specific time.

[Anonymous]

I am 98% sure that OP wasn't nearly as polite about this as she believes she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not being unreasonable. People need more than 20 min notice that someone is showing up at their house.

Except OP initially texted she was fine, and to let her know.

No, she said let me know what time. Not, let me know when you're on your way. Two very different things.