Mother in Law mad that I asked her for advance notice when she stops by

[Anonymous]

I need a quick reality check to see if I'm being unreasonable. I have an 8 month old son and I recently became stay at home mom. My mother in law lives 20 minutes away. On Monday morning she texted that she was planning to stop by, I texted back, "Sounds good, let me know what time". She replied back "Will do" and then texted me at 2pm that she was on her way; twenty minutes later she was at the door.

I was annoyed that she didn't text me until she was on her way and we had a strained conversation when she arrived. I wasn't at all impolite, I said that I wanted her to see her grandson whenever she wanted to but that I would like more notice and explained that it would help me to plan my day if she could tell me in advance when she was coming by. She said something to the effect of "next time I'll make an appointment" and left pretty quickly after that.

I texted her the next day and she didn't reply back so I assumed she was still mad. Today, I texted her that I was sorry about our interaction on Monday and if she wanted to talk about it further I would be very happy to. She wrote back that I made it "abundantly clear that her visits need to be planned well in advance or at my invitation". (Keep in mind, she is not a great communicator and let's most things go unspoken so when she says I made it "abundantly clear", it just means I brought it up in an adult and direct manner.) When I was on maternity leave she popped by a few times without notice and I said something then as well but not as direct. Then, it was more like, "Oh I wish I knew in advance that you were coming by, I would have showered".

So, to make a long story short, now that I am home full time, I felt I needed to set some healthy boundaries. I responded to her last text saying "I don't want to have to invite you to see your grandson, you can just let me know whenever you want to see him. The day before or even the morning of your visit is plenty of notice if you can tell me what time you're coming by. Thanks"

Is this a normal thing for stay at home moms that I just need to get over? Do friends or family show up saying "I was in the area so I thought I'd take a chance and see if you were home" or is it still customary to make plans in advance? If asking her to set a time to visit is being unreasonable, I truly want to know. I don't want to be a cliché, the daughter-in-law that deprives her mother-in-law of time with her grandchild. Additional opinions on this would be most helpful, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're sending mixed messages. You tell her you want her to be able to stop by whenever she wants -- and then she gives you notice (tells you she's on her way) and you're still mad? Yeah, I'd be upset too.

[Anonymous]

I think she told you earlier in the day and then when she was actually coming over. That's not coming by unannounced. That's pretty normal and reasonable, given that you said it was fine. You should be irritated at yourself for saying yes when you didn't mean it.

[Anonymous]

Your mother in law is being unreasonable. Letting someone know what time you're going to come by so they're not waiting around for you all day is just good manners. It has nothing to do with access to a grandchild. Sounds like you've dealt with the situation reasonably and politely, so if your MIL wants to continue being huffy, that's her problem.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and have had similar struggles with my own mom. I don't like it when people just stop by because it throws off my schedule and might ruin my golden hour of nap time. My mom got very offended when I told her this, though, but too bad. Some SAHM friends are fine with it though.

That being said, I think you weren't clear enough what time was ok to stop by. I thought it was a simple misunderstanding by your mil but her reaction was overboard.

[Anonymous]

"Sounds good, let me know what time"

You actually wrote that, OP. Your MIL is understandably annoyed that you would go back on what you said. When people say the above, it means people call you as they go out the door, and in her case, since she lives close by, it implies you only get a few minutes' warning before they arrive.

You should have said: "Tell me a day ahead or the morning of."

I can't tell whether your MIL overreacted this one time or whether you're always a little bit off in your communication and it's getting to her.
But you know what? Be specific. Don't expect people to guess what you mean.

[Anonymous]

There's a bit of a judgmental tone in your post and text message, OP, so it probably came through when you were speaking to her as well.

The barometer for moving forward shouldn't be what's "normal" for new moms but rather what you want it to be in your situation with the person in question. It's all new.

Be as direct as possible without consideration for past annoyances. "I never know when the baby will be doing what, but I can plan better for visits if I have more advance notice that you're coming."

[Anonymous]

She texted you when she was 20 minutes away. If it didn't suit you could have written back, we're about to nap, 4:30 would be better.

[Anonymous]

You're not being unreasonable. People need more than 20 min notice that someone is showing up at their house.

[Anonymous]

You're not being unreasonable. People need more than 20 min notice that someone is showing up at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not being unreasonable. People need more than 20 min notice that someone is showing up at their house.

Except OP initially texted she was fine, and to let her know.

[Anonymous]

You told her to text you and she did. There was some miscommunication an if this was the first time, I think you might have overreacted. Did you actually say advance notice to your MIL? And from what you are writing, this was the only/first time she did this? I could see your point if this was happening several times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not being unreasonable. People need more than 20 min notice that someone is showing up at their house.

Except OP initially texted she was fine, and to let her know.

OP, I think this is a common growing pain of becoming a mother. Up till this point, in most of your relationship with your MIL, I'm guessing, you focused on being polite and accommodating. It was really hard for me, at first, to stop trying to "host" when people came by to visit my baby because, up until she was born, I hosted when people came over. The next time you see her, I would mention casually that baby is going through a nap/sleep transition and to call you the day before if she wants to come over. That way you don't sound mad about the past, but can set new expectations going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law is being unreasonable. Letting someone know what time you're going to come by so they're not waiting around for you all day is just good manners. It has nothing to do with access to a grandchild. Sounds like you've dealt with the situation reasonably and politely, so if your MIL wants to continue being huffy, that's her problem.

OP's MIL did tell her, as per OP's directions. Then OP changed her mind about the length of warning time necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sounds good, let me know what time"

You actually wrote that, OP. Your MIL is understandably annoyed that you would go back on what you said. When people say the above, it means people call you as they go out the door, and in her case, since she lives close by, it implies you only get a few minutes' warning before they arrive.

You should have said: "Tell me a day ahead or the morning of."

I can't tell whether your MIL overreacted this one time or whether you're always a little bit off in your communication and it's getting to her.
But you know what? Be specific. Don't expect people to guess what you mean.

What? If I ask you to let me know what time you are coming over, that means you say 2pm or 3pm or whatever. Not that you can text me/call me when you are on your way.

OP - I am on your side, but I think you need to do some damage control here. Invite your MIL out to lunch, or to an activity (or three) with your LO. There are advantages to having family nearby, and there are clearly some disadvantages. If you don't want her dropping by, you need to be proactive. Set up a weekly picnic or something.