Mother in Law mad that I asked her for advance notice when she stops by

[Anonymous]

mIL is being a brat. Your house your rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:mIL is being a brat. Your house your rules

But op keeps changing the rules. Her mil is not a mind reader.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thanks all for your feedback, it's always helpful to hear other viewpoints. I agreed with replies on both sides so I just sent her a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I told her that reading through our text thread, I can see where she did what I asked. She told me that she'd be coming by and then texted when she was on her way. Then I said "I just think everyone has different opinions on advance notice and I hadn't really gone into detail with you about my preferences when we talked about it earlier. I'm glad we cleared thing up more now. Xo"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks all for your feedback, it's always helpful to hear other viewpoints. I agreed with replies on both sides so I just sent her a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I told her that reading through our text thread, I can see where she did what I asked. She told me that she'd be coming by and then texted when she was on her way. Then I said "I just think everyone has different opinions on advance notice and I hadn't really gone into detail with you about my preferences when we talked about it earlier. I'm glad we cleared thing up more now. Xo"

Good for you. And make sure you apply these rules of clear communication in other aspects of your life, you can only benefit from it!

[Anonymous]

Don't be wimpy or give mixed messages about setting boundaries. Think about what notice you need, communicate that, no more no less, and stop owning her emotional response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks all for your feedback, it's always helpful to hear other viewpoints. I agreed with replies on both sides so I just sent her a text apologizing for the misunderstanding. I told her that reading through our text thread, I can see where she did what I asked. She told me that she'd be coming by and then texted when she was on her way. Then I said "I just think everyone has different opinions on advance notice and I hadn't really gone into detail with you about my preferences when we talked about it earlier. I'm glad we cleared thing up more now. Xo"

It really doesn't sound like you have cleared anything up. You haven't told her what advance notice means to you, what she can do that you would consider acceptable.. You have also decided the situation is resolved based only on your own feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

What did you text her back when she texted to say she was on her way and would be there in 20 minutes?

If you answered positively, then there was no misunderstanding on her part.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: I didn't reply to that text.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, figure out what you want.

You clearly *don't* want her to see her grandchild whenever she wants--and that is a ridiculous notion anyway--so don't say things like that to a woman you don't even like, it sounds like!

Stop trying to appear accommodating, seriously, it just conufuses matters.

How often did you see her before this? Do you want to see her one on one now? Would you trust her to babysit ever?

Think about what could be a routine, based on what kind of relationship you had before. Once a week brief visits would be generous if you didn't really get along before -- not a good idea if you have a bad relationship, btw, then you need DH to manage.

But, yes, she does need to make an appointment to see her grandchild--as is completely normal and reasonable, so don't pretend otherwise!

[Anonymous]

Might be better if she comes over when DH is home. Otherwise it sounds like visits will be strained and that will lead to a breakdown of the relationship.

Sounds like you didn't really like her before and this has made you like her even less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deal with this with My DH and his family as we just communicate and 'plan' differently. I learned to start communicating differently. For example: in response to her morning text I would have said "Great! We are excited to see you. I do have a few things planned for today so let me know what time I can expect you so I am sure to be home." or "Give me a head's up when you are about an hour away so I can be sure to be home." I would do this even if I am not going anywhere.

+1000

This poster is spot on. In your MIL mind, she may have thought, I'm on errands right now so I'll text when I know for sure I'm on my way there so I can be more precise about the time. I've already given a heads up many hours before. I know some people when they are around will say, oh I'll be home you can stop by whenever and they are fine with a text when you are on the way. Especially if I'm on errands and don't know when I'll be done, I'm happy for that flexibility.

In your mind you are planning your day out and trying to figure out if you have time to do different things like go on a walk, go to the park, to the store, put the baby in for a nap etc. You are in limbo not knowing a timeframe. I thought the way pp said to commucate was very direct with no room for miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

You haven't actually apologized to your MIL, you just wrote that and then went into a rant about how you will tell her about your preferences. Quite frankly, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, she should have texted about what time she will come, you should have been clearer as maybe your communicate differently. But, this is a wrong thing to pick on. You don't write about any previous instances of your MIL being difficult, so is she? If this is your only compliant, please realize that your are causing a huge rift over a small issue, that could have been graciously handled without this drama on your part. A text such as, "Billy just fell asleep, so please come in 3 hours," or "wasn't sure when you were coming, so I am at the Mall right now," would have sent the same message and wouldn't have caused this huge thing. Looking back, I am sure you should realize that you are now upset for over a day and a half, worrying over your relationship with your MIL, and how you will face her and her family in the future, causing your DH a difficult time too with taking sides, basically everyone upset, and you probably most, over what? You having to put your foot down? I am wondering what was really the issue that was bothering you? Maybe you were tired and something other than this caused you to be emotional? Your house was a mess or you wanted to take a nap with your baby? Certainly seems like you were reacting to something else, and your MIL ended up bearing the brunt.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh. Your husband needs to manage all of this. I would lose my mind if my husband expected me to manage MIL's visits. She should really only visit when he's home (unless your parents visit him when you're not there.) Don't let your MIL walk all over you. Good luck. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be better if she comes over when DH is home. Otherwise it sounds like visits will be strained and that will lead to a breakdown of the relationship.

Sounds like you didn't really like her before and this has made you like her even less.

Amen to this. +1000

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to have a boundaries talk with her. The new baby is the perfect excuse. He should do it in the most loving way, but he needs to make her understand that just because you're a stay at home mom doesn't mean the door is always open Monday-Friday. (He can remind her that she most likely didn't allow her MIL into her day at every one of her MIL's whims.) You can't have this talk. It can only come from him because nothing he says to her will make her think less of him - but it will make her think less of you if you try telling her any of it. Have him take her out to lunch one day, just mother and son. She'll probably respond well if he tells her from the heart why certain boundaries during the week are important. DH and I went through the same thing. It's just 'growing pains' as I like to refer to it. But now, we're in a great groove with his mom (who also lives 20 minutes away!)