Mothers, do you teach your daughters to marry providers?

[Anonymous]

A provider? No. But he definitely has to be a contributor and carry his own weight. Same message for either gender.

[Anonymous]

I said this in another thread but some women are actually looking for a peer, not a "provider." Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

No. I teach them that they can marry if they want, and don't have to marry if they don't want. If they DO want to marry, they need to date the guy or girl for at least a year AND then be engaged for a year before a wedding. They need to marry someone who supports themselves, and treats them well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A provider? No. But he definitely has to be a contributor and carry his own weight. Same message for either gender.

"Equally-yoked" may sound ridiculous, but it what matters most. If you're headed in the same direction, held together by common goals and values...wow, that's a marriage. So, not providers, per se, but true team mates (ha!). They see from their father and I that certain differences can break a marriage. Our educational disparity, career opportunities, and upbringing should have kept us apart. He was mean, sullen, and resented me for being and having more. Never saw us as a team. But for the children, I certainly would have been better off without him ever in my life.

My children are only just now old enough to understand that they can't marry each other! So sweet, when DD called DS her "perfect husband," while they played house. He's a good role model for her, and a constant reminder to me of what men are capable of being. At eight he plays quietly with his little girlfriend at school. Her worries are his, and he's protective of her in a way that I find quite charming. They are friends and she happens to be a girl. I can't wait to see what happens when he starts dating and if this holds up in an environment of such strange masculinity. My DD will have the education and family resources to stand on her own. I hope they each find a partner equal to them, who inspires them to lead meaningful lives full of joy.

When you say "provider" it's not just money that comes to my mind. I think of emotional support, loyalty, a challenging intellect, and other attributes. My parents were both broke when they met and fell in love, and spent a life rich in shared experience, so much so that I wonder how much happier they'd have been never having children. But, I guess that's another post. My mother lived for my father, and my father was utterly chivalrous to my mother. Having come from what looked like such different backgrounds, it's amazing the marriage worked. They were unwaveringly supportive of one another. That's what mattered.

I can only hope my children find such richness in life. Being my children, they know the value of money and will be in a position to earn well. But to love...that's what I want most for them. Don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why get married if you're not going to marry a man who is not good provider? I do not want me daughter marrying someout of work bum or someone who can't hold a job for more than 6 months.

+1

There is a huge difference between a 'provider' as far as a patriarchal breadwinner and homemaker and someone who can't hold a job. Would you be ok with your daughter marrying a teacher or newspaper journalist?

So much this! I feel bad for the hardworking men who might read these posts and feel shame about not being able to financially support a DW and two kids. Just because DH earning 120k can't "provide" financially for a family of 4 in DC doesn't mean he's a "work bum" Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

My daughter is going to have choices as she has a trust fund. I love that this means that she can study the profession that she wants to or marry the man that she want's to without having to consider earnings. My sister (also trust fund) is married to a teacher and they live in a 750K house with everything they could want. That said, I think that like attracts like. I was a driven high earner who attracted another one. She was a teacher.

I think, trust aside, that most parents want their children to have not just financial stability, but emotional and physical stability as well. Not rich, necessarily, but who would wish a harder life on their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is young, but I will not. The whole term "provider" is anachronistic and I've never heard anyone in my social circles use it IRL.

One thing that I love about my husband is that he is a good provider. Our families needs and wants are met. I like that I do not have to work, although I do because I want to. I like that he will work three full time jobs, if be needed to, before he feels that I have to work. I do not have daughters, all boys, but we are teaching them to be providers for themselves and later on, their family. That means choosing a good career, and able to manage money.

Is he Mr. Dumass?

[Anonymous]

I will teach my daughter not to marry dead weight who will bring her down. That's different than a provided. Believe me I have dated both.

[Anonymous]

If a woman wants the option to stay home with her babies for a few years, the only way that's possible is if she marries a man with a high enough income.

Marrying someone who can't provide for a family means preemptively taking this option off the table. Maybe if we lived in a civilized country this wouldn't be a big deal, but in the U.S. where maternity leave is non-existent it is a valid concern.

To pretend otherwise is to ignore the realities of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman wants the option to stay home with her babies for a few years, the only way that's possible is if she marries a man with a high enough income.

Marrying someone who can't provide for a family means preemptively taking this option off the table. Maybe if we lived in a civilized country this wouldn't be a big deal, but in the U.S. where maternity leave is non-existent it is a valid concern.

To pretend otherwise is to ignore the realities of life.

I think the problem with this outlook is, what is high enough? If your DD chooses to live in this area, this would limit her dating pool to what, 10% of available men?

[Anonymous]

I don't even know if my daughters are heterosexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know if my daughters are heterosexual.

They can marry a man or a woman. Same question stands. My answer wouldn't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've already started talking to my 11 and 7 yo kids about partnerships needing to be a well functioning team, especially if children are in the picture.

I've talked to the 11 yo about career choices and and positioning himself well (starting now) to do well in school so that he can have his choice of professions when the time comes. My younger one will hear the same messages as she grows up.

I will encourage both to choose carefully when it comes to both work AND partners. I don't want either to think in terms of providing for others or being provided for; I want them to think in terms of happy, healthy partnerships and the ability to be self sufficient.

Two self sufficient people working together to form a strong team is the goal, whether they are both working outside the home or not. There are no guarantees in life, and both partners need to be able to step up to the plate and provide if necessary. I'm not going to handicap my daughter by telling her to look for someone who will provide for her. I'm going to advise both kids only to have children with someone who will be a strong, compatible teammate.

+1000

[Anonymous]

What? You mean men like Trump and Ryan? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want my girls to marry a provider. They are both college grads with good jobs. When they have children, I want them to be able to SAH at least until the kids are school age. That's what they want as well. The idea of my grand babies in a daycare center or with a nanny is just too awful to consider. My oldest son is married and is a wonderful provider. My DIL is at home with the baby.

Why can't your girls be the providers and marry men who want to stay at home? Is that also "too awful to consider"?

Very few men are interested in staying home with children.

The greatest gift I've given my children is choosing a husband who truly loves parenting. My DH does as much parenting as I do. What a gift for our boys.