Help me make this work / tell me what to do so I don't burn bridges

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if it makes you feel any better and maybe give you a laugh, I am married to man from Western Europe from a country where any nudity is no big deal. So with DC1 we are over in that country visiting, introducing the baby, and I am still trying to get the hang of breast feeding and using a cover. We are in a garden and the baby wants to eat and I am trying to go by myself to have some privacy in a corner to make it all calm so the baby will nurse. And suddenly over comes my DH's grandfather who yells "why are you hiding this baby? You and the baby must be free. It is a beautiful thing for a mother and baby to join this way, we must all pay respect". And he yanks off my cover and tells everyone to come over to see and I have to nurse in front of 10 of my husband's relatives as they all hover over me, my boobs, and my baby, including my husband's grandparents, three of their elderly friends, my FIL, my MIL, my BIL, my sil and 2 other people I don't know. It was like so bizarre.

I. Would. Die. You're a good sport!

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is cray cray. Don't go. Set clear boundaries where you want them and then follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and apparently lurking inside my kind, sweet, soft spoken, go with the flow DH is a bit of a hardass. Just talked to him and we're all straightened out for now at least. He called his mom and said he was cancelling the trip since it was going to be a problem for me to breastfeed at her house (told her he hadn't even brought it up with me because it wasn't going to happen, which is a fib but he wanted to leave me out of it). She backtracked and said I can nurse at her house, no problem, she just thought I'd want a break from breastfeeding for the weekend. At this point, I don't know if that's true (she didn't breastfeed so she could honestly just not know that you can't take a weekend off from breastfeeding) or if her initial reason of the niece and nephews is true or if it's all just a cover for her dislike of breastfeeding. Either way, DH told her not to even bring it up with me while we are there so it shouldn't be a topic for discussion. If it becomes an issue, we can just bail and head back to the hotel as needed. We're both kind of wishing he hadn't told me as now I'll be a bit on edge all weekend when I have to feed DD but I guess it's probably better I know, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Your MIL doesn't want to "give you a break from breastfeeding." She doesn't want YOU feeding your own child. The niece/nephew thing is an absolutely transparent excuse.

I'm glad your husband worked it out. My initial answer was going to be to suggest canceling the trip because it's absolutely ridiculous that she thinks it's any of her business what you feed your child. In her house, sure, if she would prefer you go into another room, that's reasonable, but forbidding you from doing that "IN HER HOUSE" is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and apparently lurking inside my kind, sweet, soft spoken, go with the flow DH is a bit of a hardass. Just talked to him and we're all straightened out for now at least. He called his mom and said he was cancelling the trip since it was going to be a problem for me to breastfeed at her house (told her he hadn't even brought it up with me because it wasn't going to happen, which is a fib but he wanted to leave me out of it). She backtracked and said I can nurse at her house, no problem, she just thought I'd want a break from breastfeeding for the weekend. At this point, I don't know if that's true (she didn't breastfeed so she could honestly just not know that you can't take a weekend off from breastfeeding) or if her initial reason of the niece and nephews is true or if it's all just a cover for her dislike of breastfeeding. Either way, DH told her not to even bring it up with me while we are there so it shouldn't be a topic for discussion. If it becomes an issue, we can just bail and head back to the hotel as needed. We're both kind of wishing he hadn't told me as now I'll be a bit on edge all weekend when I have to feed DD but I guess it's probably better I know, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Your MIL doesn't want to "give you a break from breastfeeding." She doesn't want YOU feeding your own child. The niece/nephew thing is an absolutely transparent excuse.

I'm glad your husband worked it out. My initial answer was going to be to suggest canceling the trip because it's absolutely ridiculous that she thinks it's any of her business what you feed your child. In her house, sure, if she would prefer you go into another room, that's reasonable, but forbidding you from doing that "IN HER HOUSE" is crazy.

She wants to give you a break from the feedings by giving the baby a bottle herself. When I had just one baby I never understood that, but now that I have bfed twins, I totally get it--it was relentless and sometimes I really did want a break. She is probably remembering the feeding grind from dealing with her own. Needless to say, you don't have to allow it.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds completely off the rocker! I see no point in visiting anybody that crazy. No matter what you do, she will find things to criticize, dominate, etc. Nothing she has done is even partially normal. I suggest you get together with BIL and his family at your hotel, restaurants, and parks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and apparently lurking inside my kind, sweet, soft spoken, go with the flow DH is a bit of a hardass. Just talked to him and we're all straightened out for now at least. He called his mom and said he was cancelling the trip since it was going to be a problem for me to breastfeed at her house (told her he hadn't even brought it up with me because it wasn't going to happen, which is a fib but he wanted to leave me out of it). She backtracked and said I can nurse at her house, no problem, she just thought I'd want a break from breastfeeding for the weekend. At this point, I don't know if that's true (she didn't breastfeed so she could honestly just not know that you can't take a weekend off from breastfeeding) or if her initial reason of the niece and nephews is true or if it's all just a cover for her dislike of breastfeeding. Either way, DH told her not to even bring it up with me while we are there so it shouldn't be a topic for discussion. If it becomes an issue, we can just bail and head back to the hotel as needed. We're both kind of wishing he hadn't told me as now I'll be a bit on edge all weekend when I have to feed DD but I guess it's probably better I know, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Your MIL doesn't want to "give you a break from breastfeeding." She doesn't want YOU feeding your own child. The niece/nephew thing is an absolutely transparent excuse.

I'm glad your husband worked it out. My initial answer was going to be to suggest canceling the trip because it's absolutely ridiculous that she thinks it's any of her business what you feed your child. In her house, sure, if she would prefer you go into another room, that's reasonable, but forbidding you from doing that "IN HER HOUSE" is crazy.

She wants to give you a break from the feedings by giving the baby a bottle herself. When I had just one baby I never understood that, but now that I have bfed twins, I totally get it--it was relentless and sometimes I really did want a break. She is probably remembering the feeding grind from dealing with her own. Needless to say, you don't have to allow it.

PP here.

Banning the OP from breastfeeding in her house for the entire weekend, to prevent the niece and nephew from seeing, is a pretty far cry from remembering one's own exhausting experience and wanting to help. It sounds like this MIL just doesn't approve of breastfeeding in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if it makes you feel any better and maybe give you a laugh, I am married to man from Western Europe from a country where any nudity is no big deal. So with DC1 we are over in that country visiting, introducing the baby, and I am still trying to get the hang of breast feeding and using a cover. We are in a garden and the baby wants to eat and I am trying to go by myself to have some privacy in a corner to make it all calm so the baby will nurse. And suddenly over comes my DH's grandfather who yells "why are you hiding this baby? You and the baby must be free. It is a beautiful thing for a mother and baby to join this way, we must all pay respect". And he yanks off my cover and tells everyone to come over to see and I have to nurse in front of 10 of my husband's relatives as they all hover over me, my boobs, and my baby, including my husband's grandparents, three of their elderly friends, my FIL, my MIL, my BIL, my sil and 2 other people I don't know. It was like so bizarre.

It is a beautiful thing! I hope you can see now why people from some parts of Europe have no issues with nudity, which is often interpreted in the US as being promiscuous. But, it really is not in many parts of Europe. Many of my friends from Europe, find US covering their babies on the beach or at the pool, and little toddler girls wearing top and bottom bikinis, insane. Kids will swim nude until 6 years old, and many adults will do the same. I know this from first hand experience in Norway. People are nude in the huge park in Oslo during summer months, regardless or age or gender. My American DH was quite keen on going to this park!! But, OP has different issues than this, she has insane MIL, not the whole country one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you've got a great husband who's willing to put your family's needs first. He probably has learned that the only way to deal with this kind of request from his mom is to push back hard---your inclination to compromise comes from much less experience than his way of handling it does. I have a mom like that, things I do can seem harsh if you don't understand the 30+ years of history behind it.

[Anonymous]

MIL just informed DH that I am not allowed to breastfeed at her home due to our niece and nephews being there so we should bring formula for the weekend

She does not get to dictate this. Of course not. Do not do anything different except leave them when you breastfeed - - enjoy alone time.

[Anonymous]

Omg OP why are you even giving this crazy person any care whatsoever?

My MIL did the same thing and my husband put her right in her place, immediately. She used the same "why does she keep taking the baby away" and had a really sad, pathetic look on her face asking "oh, no, really? The baby needs to be fed AGAIN?" with a dramatic sigh. Every time.

No way a mother of a newborn needs to deal with this. Your husband needs to step up.

Gosh, I'm getting mad all over again and my child is 6!

[Anonymous]

OP- I'm god your DH stood up for you and your DD. You mentioned that your MIL is otherwise normal and kind? Sounds like she is either trying to manipulate having the baby available to her as much as possible or, like my mom, came from a generation where women thought breastfeeding was gross. Sadly, many women were taught that it was icky and that they should be ashamed of their bodies.
Because your MIL did not BF (I assume) she may not understand the physical implications to you and your DD to not BF for a full day.
I'm trying to be nice- she sounds controlling and manipulative but not malicious.

[Anonymous]

Glad. I'm not god?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to add that it will make your position easier OP if you get brother and sister-in-law on your side and saying they don't mind if you nurse around them

This. Nurse in another room or else go out in the car and nurse there. Don't pump and become physically uncomfortable, and more importantly don't let MIL think she can control how you feed your baby. She sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

I usually take up for MILs but not this time. Breastfeeding is your choice and removing yourself from a group to nurse in private is normal. Send her a note telling her your feelings in a way that assumes her good nature. "I'm sure you'll understand" kind of tone. If she still resists then stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg OP why are you even giving this crazy person any care whatsoever?

My MIL did the same thing and my husband put her right in her place, immediately. She used the same "why does she keep taking the baby away" and had a really sad, pathetic look on her face asking "oh, no, really? The baby needs to be fed AGAIN?" with a dramatic sigh. Every time.

No way a mother of a newborn needs to deal with this. Your husband needs to step up.

Gosh, I'm getting mad all over again and my child is 6!

The MIL is good in other ways according to OP. This is her hangup and certainly not worth ruining a relationship over. DH talked to her and all is good. OP - I wouldn't give this a second thought. If you feel any stress, just think of the PP who had an entire audience watching her!!!