Help me make this work / tell me what to do so I don't burn bridges

[Anonymous]

Wow. MIL trying to control how you feed your child. WOW. You are WELL within your rights if you choose not to visit at all until she can either grow up and deal with it, or they don't have other visitors in their house.

WhatEVER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks all! I just wanted to make sure my initial "not a f*cking chance" reaction wasn't just me still being a bit pissed at her from her previous visit. DH is going to tell her I'm willing to nurse her in a room away from everyone (easier anyways since DD is starting to get really distracted while nursing these days) but if she insists I not nurse at all, we won't be coming over. He's confident she'll choose having us at her house over her intense dislike of breastfeeding but if not, he's more than willing for us to follow through and not go over. He's actually much more willing to say a categorical hell no to her request than I am.

Did she breastfeed her own children? She sounds insane, but maybe there's some long-buried issue lurking under there?

She has honestly always been an incredibly kind and easy going woman about everything else since I've known her but she finds breastfeeding to be really gross for some reason. It is very strange and I haven't ever seen her have this kind of intense reaction to anything else so I really don't know what's up with her reaction.

As someone who finds breastfeeding undesirable FOR MYSELF, I think your MIL is off her rocker!

I had family who gave me crap about formula feeding, so I made a HUGE deal scooping and preparing and FEEDING my child that "poison" while in front of them. You have every right to feed your child wherever you are comfortable. DO NOT give in on this or your MIL will know she has control over you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks all! I just wanted to make sure my initial "not a f*cking chance" reaction wasn't just me still being a bit pissed at her from her previous visit. DH is going to tell her I'm willing to nurse her in a room away from everyone (easier anyways since DD is starting to get really distracted while nursing these days) but if she insists I not nurse at all, we won't be coming over. He's confident she'll choose having us at her house over her intense dislike of breastfeeding but if not, he's more than willing for us to follow through and not go over. He's actually much more willing to say a categorical hell no to her request than I am.

Did she breastfeed her own children? She sounds insane, but maybe there's some long-buried issue lurking under there?

She has honestly always been an incredibly kind and easy going woman about everything else since I've known her but she finds breastfeeding to be really gross for some reason. It is very strange and I haven't ever seen her have this kind of intense reaction to anything else so I really don't know what's up with her reaction.

As someone who finds breastfeeding undesirable FOR MYSELF, I think your MIL is off her rocker!

I had family who gave me crap about formula feeding, so I made a HUGE deal scooping and preparing and FEEDING my child that "poison" while in front of them. You have every right to feed your child wherever you are comfortable. DO NOT give in on this or your MIL will know she has control over you and your child.

PP above, you are cool, and I like you. My MIL and my own mother gave me a hard time about breastfeeding, and I sort of internalized that and went out of my way to "hide it" around them. I wish I had been more like your badass self, and just flaunted it. I love you! You are hilarious!

[Anonymous]

She is seriously insane. Boundaries now or it's only going to get worse. I say unfortunately from experience.

[Anonymous]

I would contact BIL to see whether he and his wife even have issues with their kids seeing you breastfeed. If they say yes, DH presents MIL option of a private room or a shorter visit. If they say no, DH tells MIL that the only person with a problem is her and she needs to chill.

[Anonymous]

FFS, cancel the trip and find another way to see BIL and his family.

Alternately, talk with BIL and SIL about it, and if they have no problem with it (like sane people), they can tell MIL so.

If MIL makes a huge fuss still, don't visit her house until you wean the baby. Maybe a year after, just to make a point. what a thoughtless bitch of a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks all! I just wanted to make sure my initial "not a f*cking chance" reaction wasn't just me still being a bit pissed at her from her previous visit. DH is going to tell her I'm willing to nurse her in a room away from everyone (easier anyways since DD is starting to get really distracted while nursing these days) but if she insists I not nurse at all, we won't be coming over. He's confident she'll choose having us at her house over her intense dislike of breastfeeding but if not, he's more than willing for us to follow through and not go over. He's actually much more willing to say a categorical hell no to her request than I am.

Did she breastfeed her own children? She sounds insane, but maybe there's some long-buried issue lurking under there?

She has honestly always been an incredibly kind and easy going woman about everything else since I've known her but she finds breastfeeding to be really gross for some reason. It is very strange and I haven't ever seen her have this kind of intense reaction to anything else so I really don't know what's up with her reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks all! I just wanted to make sure my initial "not a f*cking chance" reaction wasn't just me still being a bit pissed at her from her previous visit. DH is going to tell her I'm willing to nurse her in a room away from everyone (easier anyways since DD is starting to get really distracted while nursing these days) but if she insists I not nurse at all, we won't be coming over. He's confident she'll choose having us at her house over her intense dislike of breastfeeding but if not, he's more than willing for us to follow through and not go over. He's actually much more willing to say a categorical hell no to her request than I am.

Did she breastfeed her own children? She sounds insane, but maybe there's some long-buried issue lurking under there?

She has honestly always been an incredibly kind and easy going woman about everything else since I've known her but she finds breastfeeding to be really gross for some reason. It is very strange and I haven't ever seen her have this kind of intense reaction to anything else so I really don't know what's up with her reaction.

Is this her first grandchild? First time grandmas can be a little nuts--especially mothers of sons who have any kind of anxious streak.

Keep your space--DH needs to be the front line against the crazy, which you let him do the communicating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are going to be visiting my in laws for the weekend with our 4 month old. We're going to be staying at a nearby hotel as BIL and his family will be staying with MIL/FIL but the plan was to spend our days at their house and only go back to the hotel at night to maximise time with the family. MIL just informed DH that I am not allowed to breastfeed at her home due to our niece and nephews being there so we should bring formula for the weekend. I'm not opposed to formula in general but I'm not willing to go 10+ hours a day without breastfeeding DD (I can't even imagine how uncomfortable I would be by the end of the day). We're not going to cancel the trip as this will be the first time BIL and his family will get to meet DD and I'm pretty sure they don't have anything to do with this request.

MIL was a serious pain in the butt about me breastfeeding when she visited right after DD was born, including getting mad every time I had to take DD to nurse her claiming I just wanted the baby to myself, etc. I'm still harboring some resentment over that and I'm having trouble believing this request isn't related to her previous complaints. All of this is a long way of saying I'm not confident that I'm capable of being particularly rational or kind in my reaction to her request. I'm really tempted to have DH just tell her we won't be coming to her house at all and will arrange to spend time with the family out and about at some parks and whatnot but this is the pettier option. Alternately, I can pump in the morning before leaving the hotel (which would generally provide enough milk to get us through about lunchtime) and we can spend time at her house until then, leaving as soon as DD needs to nurse after we've used up the morning pumped amount and then spend the afternoons being out and about.

So what say you, DCUM - what is the best course that doesn't leave me in pain from not nursing all day, enforces a healthy boundary with MIL, while also respecting her house/her rules? DH hasn't responded to her yet and will go along with whatever I want to do and will be the one to tell her what we decide.

I am so sorry. Since your post is so detailed I have to believe that this is true. You want to breastfeed your baby. That is your right. Your MIL needs to sep off. You can feed your baby wherever and whenever your please. Your DH needs to address this and you can breastfeed your child in a separate room if your niece and nephew can't see your boobs. Do what is best for your and your child. Crap, this shit makes me so made!

[Anonymous]

I mean, mad.

[Anonymous]

Here is another twist, OP. Is it possible that your MIL is jealous that you get to breastfeed? Is she in the generation that breastfeeding was not acceptable? There was a time in the 50's that formula feeding was in vouge and breastfeeding was not "the thing."

[Anonymous]

OP here and apparently lurking inside my kind, sweet, soft spoken, go with the flow DH is a bit of a hardass. Just talked to him and we're all straightened out for now at least. He called his mom and said he was cancelling the trip since it was going to be a problem for me to breastfeed at her house (told her he hadn't even brought it up with me because it wasn't going to happen, which is a fib but he wanted to leave me out of it). She backtracked and said I can nurse at her house, no problem, she just thought I'd want a break from breastfeeding for the weekend. At this point, I don't know if that's true (she didn't breastfeed so she could honestly just not know that you can't take a weekend off from breastfeeding) or if her initial reason of the niece and nephews is true or if it's all just a cover for her dislike of breastfeeding. Either way, DH told her not to even bring it up with me while we are there so it shouldn't be a topic for discussion. If it becomes an issue, we can just bail and head back to the hotel as needed. We're both kind of wishing he hadn't told me as now I'll be a bit on edge all weekend when I have to feed DD but I guess it's probably better I know, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it makes you feel any better and maybe give you a laugh, I am married to man from Western Europe from a country where any nudity is no big deal. So with DC1 we are over in that country visiting, introducing the baby, and I am still trying to get the hang of breast feeding and using a cover. We are in a garden and the baby wants to eat and I am trying to go by myself to have some privacy in a corner to make it all calm so the baby will nurse. And suddenly over comes my DH's grandfather who yells "why are you hiding this baby? You and the baby must be free. It is a beautiful thing for a mother and baby to join this way, we must all pay respect". And he yanks off my cover and tells everyone to come over to see and I have to nurse in front of 10 of my husband's relatives as they all hover over me, my boobs, and my baby, including my husband's grandparents, three of their elderly friends, my FIL, my MIL, my BIL, my sil and 2 other people I don't know. It was like so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and apparently lurking inside my kind, sweet, soft spoken, go with the flow DH is a bit of a hardass. Just talked to him and we're all straightened out for now at least. He called his mom and said he was cancelling the trip since it was going to be a problem for me to breastfeed at her house (told her he hadn't even brought it up with me because it wasn't going to happen, which is a fib but he wanted to leave me out of it). She backtracked and said I can nurse at her house, no problem, she just thought I'd want a break from breastfeeding for the weekend. At this point, I don't know if that's true (she didn't breastfeed so she could honestly just not know that you can't take a weekend off from breastfeeding) or if her initial reason of the niece and nephews is true or if it's all just a cover for her dislike of breastfeeding. Either way, DH told her not to even bring it up with me while we are there so it shouldn't be a topic for discussion. If it becomes an issue, we can just bail and head back to the hotel as needed. We're both kind of wishing he hadn't told me as now I'll be a bit on edge all weekend when I have to feed DD but I guess it's probably better I know, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

What about the parents of the niece and nephew? Did their mother breastfed them? What did MIL do when they were babies? Would their parents legitimately make the request for you to not even breastfed in the house with them in the house? You might have another set of allies, or the opposite.

My sister and I are a united front when it comes to our parenting decisions whenever my parents disagree with our individual parenting choices (and our parents, while overall great, have had their moments re discipline, bedtimes, feedings, breastfeeding, childcare). I back her and she backs me. Your MIL brought that SIL and BIL into the equation when she said you couldn't fed if their kids were in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if it makes you feel any better and maybe give you a laugh, I am married to man from Western Europe from a country where any nudity is no big deal. So with DC1 we are over in that country visiting, introducing the baby, and I am still trying to get the hang of breast feeding and using a cover. We are in a garden and the baby wants to eat and I am trying to go by myself to have some privacy in a corner to make it all calm so the baby will nurse. And suddenly over comes my DH's grandfather who yells "why are you hiding this baby? You and the baby must be free. It is a beautiful thing for a mother and baby to join this way, we must all pay respect". And he yanks off my cover and tells everyone to come over to see and I have to nurse in front of 10 of my husband's relatives as they all hover over me, my boobs, and my baby, including my husband's grandparents, three of their elderly friends, my FIL, my MIL, my BIL, my sil and 2 other people I don't know. It was like so bizarre.

OP here and I am both mortified for you and trying not to pee myself laughing. I can't even imagine... I think I'd almost prefer my MILs "SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!" routine to having to performance nurse for the extended in laws!