Help me make this work / tell me what to do so I don't burn bridges

[Anonymous]

We are going to be visiting my in laws for the weekend with our 4 month old. We're going to be staying at a nearby hotel as BIL and his family will be staying with MIL/FIL but the plan was to spend our days at their house and only go back to the hotel at night to maximise time with the family. MIL just informed DH that I am not allowed to breastfeed at her home due to our niece and nephews being there so we should bring formula for the weekend. I'm not opposed to formula in general but I'm not willing to go 10+ hours a day without breastfeeding DD (I can't even imagine how uncomfortable I would be by the end of the day). We're not going to cancel the trip as this will be the first time BIL and his family will get to meet DD and I'm pretty sure they don't have anything to do with this request.

MIL was a serious pain in the butt about me breastfeeding when she visited right after DD was born, including getting mad every time I had to take DD to nurse her claiming I just wanted the baby to myself, etc. I'm still harboring some resentment over that and I'm having trouble believing this request isn't related to her previous complaints. All of this is a long way of saying I'm not confident that I'm capable of being particularly rational or kind in my reaction to her request. I'm really tempted to have DH just tell her we won't be coming to her house at all and will arrange to spend time with the family out and about at some parks and whatnot but this is the pettier option. Alternately, I can pump in the morning before leaving the hotel (which would generally provide enough milk to get us through about lunchtime) and we can spend time at her house until then, leaving as soon as DD needs to nurse after we've used up the morning pumped amount and then spend the afternoons being out and about.

So what say you, DCUM - what is the best course that doesn't leave me in pain from not nursing all day, enforces a healthy boundary with MIL, while also respecting her house/her rules? DH hasn't responded to her yet and will go along with whatever I want to do and will be the one to tell her what we decide.

[Anonymous]

Whaa? Tell her you are willing to nurse in a specific room with the door closed, or in your car. But no way would I go through the hassle of pumping for her. She seems completely bonkers and the less ground you give her, the better.

[Anonymous]

Pump or nurse in the morning before you leave the hotel. Have your DH tell MIL that you will need a private place (bedroom) to nurse - so niece and nephew won't see (f'ing weird btw) for the rest of the day. If this can't be accomodated, you and baby go back to hotel in the afternoon for nurse/nap time if there are not plans away from the house. Good luck, she sounds like a peach.

[Anonymous]

I mean, she cannot tell you how to feed your child. Absolutely not. And I'm usually honestly the one on here taking the mil side because I think most daughters-in-law overreact and should compromise more.

But you have the side of the Angels here. How about you just nurse in front of everybody or continue going into a room if you really want to. The worst that happens she kicks you out of her house or you have a fight. I think this is one of those times you just have the fight

Otherwise, cancel. There's no way on Earth that I would not nurse my baby for 10 hours and get engorged and painful. Not happening.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to tell his mother that her request is unreasonable and that you will be breastfeeding your child at her home. You will go into another room so the children do not see (even though they would not are)

You need to stop this behavior now as it will only get worse as your child gets older. You can pick your battles, but you always choose the ones that impact health. Not pumping or feeding for that long could mess up your supply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pump or nurse in the morning before you leave the hotel. Have your DH tell MIL that you will need a private place (bedroom) to nurse - so niece and nephew won't see (f'ing weird btw) for the rest of the day. If this can't be accomodated, you and baby go back to hotel in the afternoon for nurse/nap time if there are not plans away from the house. Good luck, she sounds like a peach.

I'm rereading the OP's post, and this isn't going to work. The mil is mad that she has to take the baby into another room and wants the baby all to herself. (So she thinks. Gag)

That's the reason she wants a bottle. So even if she goes into another room, as I suggested in another post, that doesn't solve the issue.

OP just go ahead and nurse right in front of everybody and don't worry about it or don't go. Your mother-in-law cannot draw this line and you should not accommodate this one in any way shape or form

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to tell his mother that her request is unreasonable and that you will be breastfeeding your child at her home. You will go into another room so the children do not see (even though they would not are)

You need to stop this behavior now as it will only get worse as your child gets older. You can pick your battles, but you always choose the ones that impact health. Not pumping or feeding for that long could mess up your supply.

+1. She is crazy. Do not give in. Separate room is reasonable, pumping is not. She is the one burning bridges with her already crazy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Geez. This sounds like a really unpleasant way to spend a weekend, and your MIL sounds crazy and uninformed about breastfeeding. Be happy you are staying in a hotel, this should give you time to decompress.

Doesn't sound like you are going to convince your MIL that breastfeeding is the way to go, but you shouldn't have to switch to formula if you don't normally do this just to accomodate her insane whims.

Does she live in a studio apartment? Otherwise, why can't you excuse yourself to go feed the baby in another room? Or bring pumped milk and excuse yourself to another room to pump more?

[Anonymous]

I would like to add that it will make your position easier OP if you get brother and sister-in-law on your side and saying they don't mind if you nurse around them

[Anonymous]

The Mother-in-law does not want OP to go into another room or to nurse in front of everybody. It's a lose-lose for the Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pump or nurse in the morning before you leave the hotel. Have your DH tell MIL that you will need a private place (bedroom) to nurse - so niece and nephew won't see (f'ing weird btw) for the rest of the day. If this can't be accomodated, you and baby go back to hotel in the afternoon for nurse/nap time if there are not plans away from the house. Good luck, she sounds like a peach.

I'm rereading the OP's post, and this isn't going to work. The mil is mad that she has to take the baby into another room and wants the baby all to herself. (So she thinks. Gag)

That's the reason she wants a bottle. So even if she goes into another room, as I suggested in another post, that doesn't solve the issue.

OP just go ahead and nurse right in front of everybody and don't worry about it or don't go. Your mother-in-law cannot draw this line and you should not accommodate this one in any way shape or form

I see, she wants to feed the baby herself and is trying to bully and manipulate you into letting her. Psycho! Definitely do not even bring the pump and bottles with you. And be on your guard that she may purchase her own formula and try to feed it to the baby without your consent.

[Anonymous]

My husband would tell my mother that you won't be spending any time at her house and that there's nothing wrong with seeing women nursing their babies.

Also, OP, there is nothing wrong with you wanting your newborn "to yourself". She is YOUR BABY. They should be bending over backwards to cater to you and your baby. Oh, and it's your MIL who is burning bridges here, NOT you.

BRING ZERO FORMULA. Screw it - give me your MIL's phone number so I can give her a piece of my mind.

[Anonymous]

Ok, thanks all! I just wanted to make sure my initial "not a f*cking chance" reaction wasn't just me still being a bit pissed at her from her previous visit. DH is going to tell her I'm willing to nurse her in a room away from everyone (easier anyways since DD is starting to get really distracted while nursing these days) but if she insists I not nurse at all, we won't be coming over. He's confident she'll choose having us at her house over her intense dislike of breastfeeding but if not, he's more than willing for us to follow through and not go over. He's actually much more willing to say a categorical hell no to her request than I am.

[Anonymous]

Under absolutely no circumstances does she get to tell you this.

Your DH needs to tell her that you will feed the baby when/how you please, or you'll not be going to her house.

The only area of compromise would be doing it in a private room, rather than in front of the niece and nephew. (Of course, the implication that you are going to expose them to something inappropriate is terrible, but I wouldn't even argue on that level.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks all! I just wanted to make sure my initial "not a f*cking chance" reaction wasn't just me still being a bit pissed at her from her previous visit. DH is going to tell her I'm willing to nurse her in a room away from everyone (easier anyways since DD is starting to get really distracted while nursing these days) but if she insists I not nurse at all, we won't be coming over. He's confident she'll choose having us at her house over her intense dislike of breastfeeding but if not, he's more than willing for us to follow through and not go over. He's actually much more willing to say a categorical hell no to her request than I am.

Did she breastfeed her own children? She sounds insane, but maybe there's some long-buried issue lurking under there?