SAHD not wanting to return to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- hadn't checked back in a while.

To those asking what would happen if DH went back to work - who would cover sick days; travel days; dr appts; after school etc. We would get a nanny/housekeeper for after school/driving the kids around/light cooking or housekeeping. As for sick days/dr appointments - I am now senior enough in my career that I can take some time off - so it's NOT like I'm expecting DH to cover this stuff in month 4 at a new job.

Reality is - this isn't about money at all. Nor am I looking to quit my job or anything. But I guess I'm just resentful of the fact that he doesn't want to "be tied down" to a job - as if me being tied down to 60 hrs/wk for the last 11 yrs has been the most fun thing ever.

For those saying - well the kids aren't wandering around naked and hungry, so he must be doing something - well yeah, but a LOT less than what I would expect a stay home parent to do. I am not someone who thinks the stay home parent needs to be scrubbing the toilets or cooking 5 course meals (he doesn't - we have a cleaning person; and meals are either defrosting what I've made on weekends and/or takeout most days of the week). But I feel like the person staying home SHOULD do things like laundry, errands, grocery shopping etc. and generally "run the household." He will do those things begrudgingly but only when I nag about it. If we're leaving to go away for a weekend, I'll ask him on Wed. to make sure the kids' laundry is done so we can take off right after school on Friday. Friday rolls around and I leave work early to get home after school to find that he just started the laundry 20 min ago. Or he'll eat/take the kids out to eat dinner and it has happened that I get home at 9 pm and there's nothing for dinner for me -- i.e. didn't even occur to him to grab a takeout order for me as they were leaving the restaurant. His laziness makes me feel like I have a 3rd child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- hadn't checked back in a while.

To those asking what would happen if DH went back to work - who would cover sick days; travel days; dr appts; after school etc. We would get a nanny/housekeeper for after school/driving the kids around/light cooking or housekeeping. As for sick days/dr appointments - I am now senior enough in my career that I can take some time off - so it's like I'm expecting DH to cover this stuff in month 4 at a new job.

Reality is - this isn't about money at all. Nor am I looking to quit my job or anything. But I guess I'm just resentful of the fact that he doesn't want to "be tied down" to a job - as if me being tied down to 60 hrs/wk for the last 11 yrs has been the most fun thing ever.

For those saying - well the kids aren't wandering around naked and hungry, so he must be doing something - well yeah, but a LOT less than what I would expect a stay home parent to do. I am not someone who thinks the stay home parent needs to be scrubbing the toilets or cooking 5 course meals (he doesn't - we have a cleaning person; and meals are either defrosting what I've made on weekends and/or takeout most days of the week). But I feel like the person staying home SHOULD do things like laundry, errands, grocery shopping etc. and generally "run the household." He will do those things begrudgingly but only when I nag about it. If we're leaving to go away for a weekend, I'll ask him on Wed. to make sure the kids' laundry is done so we can take off right after school on Friday. Friday rolls around and I leave work early to get home after school to find that he just started the laundry 20 min ago. Or he'll eat/take the kids out to eat dinner and it has happened that I get home at 9 pm and there's nothing for dinner for me -- i.e. didn't even occur to him to grab a takeout order for me as they were leaving the restaurant. His laziness makes me feel like I have a 3rd child.

Honestly, OP, he's a crappy SAH. You have every right to be annoyed. Sound like he does virtually nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- hadn't checked back in a while.

To those asking what would happen if DH went back to work - who would cover sick days; travel days; dr appts; after school etc. We would get a nanny/housekeeper for after school/driving the kids around/light cooking or housekeeping. As for sick days/dr appointments - I am now senior enough in my career that I can take some time off - so it's like I'm expecting DH to cover this stuff in month 4 at a new job.

Reality is - this isn't about money at all. Nor am I looking to quit my job or anything. But I guess I'm just resentful of the fact that he doesn't want to "be tied down" to a job - as if me being tied down to 60 hrs/wk for the last 11 yrs has been the most fun thing ever.

For those saying - well the kids aren't wandering around naked and hungry, so he must be doing something - well yeah, but a LOT less than what I would expect a stay home parent to do. I am not someone who thinks the stay home parent needs to be scrubbing the toilets or cooking 5 course meals (he doesn't - we have a cleaning person; and meals are either defrosting what I've made on weekends and/or takeout most days of the week). But I feel like the person staying home SHOULD do things like laundry, errands, grocery shopping etc. and generally "run the household." He will do those things begrudgingly but only when I nag about it. If we're leaving to go away for a weekend, I'll ask him on Wed. to make sure the kids' laundry is done so we can take off right after school on Friday. Friday rolls around and I leave work early to get home after school to find that he just started the laundry 20 min ago. Or he'll eat/take the kids out to eat dinner and it has happened that I get home at 9 pm and there's nothing for dinner for me -- i.e. didn't even occur to him to grab a takeout order for me as they were leaving the restaurant. His laziness makes me feel like I have a 3rd child.

My DH is a SAHD and I, too, would be annoyed if he acted like this. The SAP absolutely should be doing laundry, cooking and errands without being asked. That is their "job". My DH does all of those things - including cooking and cleaning - as well as bigger projects around the house. It would be added stress if I had to remind or ask him to do these things. I am with you 100%.

I can also sympathize with feeling resentful about the roles. I love that my DH takes parenting so seriously and wants to contribute to our family in this way, but it would be nice if I could experience that at some point, too. It's never going to happen for me, though.

[Anonymous]

Said the same thing above that's confirmed by your details here -- he sounds like a guy who didn't stay home bc it made the most sense financially/for your family. Likely he stayed home bc it got him out of working - showing up on time; deadlines; bosses etc. It's unlikely that he was a go getter at work and now he can't pick up a takeout order for his wife so she'll have food to eat (WTH!?). Now he's just reveling in playing video games/watching TV 40 hrs/wk.

[Anonymous]

Idk how it works for others bc I am a heterosexual female, but in my opinion NOTHING is less attractive than a lazy man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk how it works for others bc I am a heterosexual female, but in my opinion NOTHING is less attractive than a lazy man.

I dunno, lazy women seem equally uninteresting. Lazy pets are cute though.

[Anonymous]

I think that if he did all of the little kid years, he deserves as easy year or two.

Then, he needs to do something.

But, OP, the two of you decided your 60-hour weeks were the way to do things. It sounds to me like you're burnt out. You decide what you want, and present it to him just like he's presenting you with what he wants. And then decide if either of you is willing to live that life.

When you are married, your fortunes somewhat rise and fall based on another person's needs and desires. That means that the other person may not care enough to make sure you have the life you think you both want to live.

[Anonymous]

DH and I got to same place although through a different path. He was at home doing nothing all day, kids at school and I was out working my $300k job (stressful but rarely more than 50 hours per week). Although he was busy driving around to activities from 4-6 much of the time he literally did nothing. The minute I would get home the kids would ask me "What's for dinner?". I did all homework, paid all bills, laundry-everything. And although we didn't "need" the money I hated him that he sat on his ass all day. Anyway, after 5 years of this he got a job, a good one and he loves it. He even does MORE at home than before. Sometimes people get in a rut and really have trouble getting out. He has to find something to make him feel worthy again. Try to help him find it. You cannot nag him into it--I am the queen of trying that! He has to find it in himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:. I don't expect that bc he's home, he should do all the housework - but I do expect him in taking the lead re dinner, laundry, and errands (we have a cleaning person - so it's not like I'm expecting him to be scrubbing the bathroom).

Why don't you expect him to do all this? It's not his job to lay around all day. His job is the house. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

OP, my advice is to prioritize a few things that are important to you that he get done. For me, it would be healthy meals. We both work, but I am fine with taking care of a lot of stuff since my DH enjoys cooking healthy, good meals. He is in charge of meal planning and dinner most nights and he delivers. He food shops too (I do the Giant run but he does the more expansive Whole Foods fun which is more of a hassle and where the bulk of our food comes from). He packs lunches on the days I don't work from home. To me, that is just a huge weight off to know we are eating healthy. Like you, we outsource the core housekeeping. I'm fine with doing the more day-to-day (scheduling appointments, registering for activities, etc., never-ending laundry etc., straightening up) as long as he does cooking and the more "longer term" stuff (car stuff, taxes, and yard work/snow removal).

Just pick a few things you really want done - a healthy dinner 2x (doesn't have to be complex), stocked up food mid week, whatever. If you can think of a specific plan it might help.

[Anonymous]

He may have done poorly in the work world because he does not excel at organization, planning, etc. This may now be manifesting itself in his new job--running the house. You may need to "manage" him more than you do now, and more than you think you should, by providing him with more structure and making your expectations much more clear and explicit.

I think you need to sit him down, say that you appreciate all he does to keep the house going but there are some things you feel legitimately belong to the stay-at-home parent's job description. Whatever they are--laundry 2X a week, grocery shopping, meal cooking, whatever. You are within your rights to absolutely insist on this. Write it all down in a checklist.

BUT--and here is the thing. You have to accept that he will not do the housekeeping job just as you would, if you were in his role. You can't come home, see that he bought some kind of bread you think is unwise, for example, and secretly fume and boil inside, thinking how stupid and lazy he is for not knowing the right kind of bread. Because hey, that is not a cool thing for you to do.

Look, I feel your pain. I have a stay-at-home husband. This was not my plan. I never expected to stay-at-home and I never expected my spouse to either, and sometimes I am very unhappy that I am tied forever to 9-to-5 work, providing us with retirement savings and insurance and all the material needs of life.

BUT--and this is a big but--my spouse has enormous strengths that I do not have. He is better at managing the children and arranging our social lives. He is much better at creating a sense of fun and community. He volunteers at the school, etc. All of these are extremely important. Plus he is emotionally supportive of me.

All in all, although he is not a perfect husband, I accept him for who he is, accept his limitations, and focus on his strengths. He is not an evil person. He is not trying to take advantage of me. He wants to pull his weight in our family. I strongly suspect your husband is like this.

What you are interpreting as "laziness" may just be his different way than yours, his different standards, etc. For example, you may come home and see a dirty kitchen floor and think "my lazy husband didn't sweep the floor!" When the reality is (1) he has different standards for floor cleanliness or (2) knew it needed to be swept but decided to, say, help a kid with homework or play legos with a kid instead, which is important for bonding or (3) knew it needed to be swept but is so scatterbrained that he literally just forgot and got distracted by doing something else or (4) planned to do it after dinner. Etc. Things may look very different from his perspective.

You seem angry and resentful of your husband. This is something you need to work through. You guys seriously may need marriage therapy (I went with my spouse). You seem to feel you are being taken advantage of. You seem contemptuous of your husband and consider him to be "lazy." All of these things are relationship killers. Believe me, you want to have a good relationship with your spouse, both for your children and your own emotional well-being. You need to stop looking at this situation as "my spouse is lazy" and look at it more as, "OK, this is not the future I had expected, but my spouse has needs too, and how can we work together to make sure that both his and my needs are met and that he family needs are met too."

[Anonymous]

PP here with one other thought...for example, your complaint that he did not get you take-out. That would have been nice of him. But from his perspective, he might have thought you ate at your desk, or that you'd make a sandwich at home...

You need to, as part of your stay-at-home-parent job description discussion, say, "I expect that every night some kind of hot meal will be available to me." Or whatever! But it has to be an explicit part of the job description and he has to know it.

[Anonymous]

He needs to either take complete ownership of the household stuff (you work 50-60 hours a week!!) or he needs to find a way to make enough money to pay for a nanny. I get that you could pay for a nanny now, but unless he has a golden 10 inch cock, why would you be ok with with being married to a completely useless human being?

I can appreciate why he doesn't want to be tied down to a regular job, low down on the totem pole at this stage in the game. But he can't just check out of life all together and expect to stay married.

There are lot's of ways people can make income without clocking in everyday. Is he open to exploring anything at all?

It sounds to me that you are TOO understanding. A stay at home parent DOES have to take care of the house. Maybe not to a betty crocker standard but with you gone 50-60 hours a week and supporting 4 people completely on your own, there should be no nagging in your universe. Dinner and how it arrives should not be a thought on your mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation, with my SAH husband not pulling his weight, while I was effectively handcuffed to a good paying job.

I would come home to Burgerking for the kids five nights a week, an unkempt house which was picked up but not clean, school work not being monitored, on and on. I hired a housekeeper because I couldn't stand it.

After the kids left high school, I started charging my SAH husband rent and half of the bills. I told him it didn't matter what he did, but this is what it cost.

It did ease my resentment quite a bit. If I wanted the house clean, I cleaned it. If I wanted a nice meal, I cooked it. I also stopped funding dates. If we did something nice, he could save up for it, otherwise I went by myself.

Strangely, lots of other parts of our life works for us. We are both fairly moderate to high drive matched sex partners, We enjoy each other's company, and he is brilliant even if he is not traditional.

Anyway, that's what worked for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation, with my SAH husband not pulling his weight, while I was effectively handcuffed to a good paying job.

I would come home to Burgerking for the kids five nights a week, an unkempt house which was picked up but not clean, school work not being monitored, on and on. I hired a housekeeper because I couldn't stand it.

After the kids left high school, I started charging my SAH husband rent and half of the bills. I told him it didn't matter what he did, but this is what it cost.

It did ease my resentment quite a bit. If I wanted the house clean, I cleaned it. If I wanted a nice meal, I cooked it. I also stopped funding dates. If we did something nice, he could save up for it, otherwise I went by myself.

Strangely, lots of other parts of our life works for us. We are both fairly moderate to high drive matched sex partners, We enjoy each other's company, and he is brilliant even if he is not traditional.

Anyway, that's what worked for us.

So he went back to work? How else did he pay rent?