Reply to SAHD not wanting to return to work

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[quote=Anonymous]He may have done poorly in the work world because he does not excel at organization, planning, etc. This may now be manifesting itself in his new job--running the house.  You may need to "manage" him more than you do now, and more than you think you should, by providing him with more structure and making your expectations much more clear and explicit.

I think you need to sit him down, say that you appreciate all he does to keep the house going but there are some things you feel legitimately belong to the stay-at-home parent's job description. Whatever they are--laundry 2X a week, grocery shopping, meal cooking, whatever. You are within your rights to absolutely insist on this. Write it all down in a checklist.

BUT--and here is the thing. You have to accept that he will not do the housekeeping job just as you would, if you were in his role. You can't come home, see that he bought some kind of bread you think is unwise, for example, and secretly fume and boil inside, thinking how stupid and lazy he is for not knowing the right kind of bread. Because hey, that is not a cool thing for you to do.

Look, I feel your pain. I have a stay-at-home husband. This was not my plan. I never expected to stay-at-home and I never expected my spouse to either, and sometimes I am very unhappy that I am tied forever to 9-to-5 work, providing us with retirement savings and insurance and all the material needs of life.

BUT--and this is a big but--my spouse has enormous strengths that I do not have. He is better at managing the children and arranging our social lives. He is much better at creating a sense of fun and community. He volunteers at the school, etc. All of these are extremely important. Plus he is emotionally supportive of me.

All in all, although he is not a perfect husband, I accept him for who he is, accept his limitations, and focus on his strengths. He is not an evil person. He is not trying to take advantage of me. He wants to pull his weight in our family. I strongly suspect your husband is like this.

What you are interpreting as "laziness" may just be his different way than yours, his different standards, etc. For example, you may come home and see a dirty kitchen floor and think "my lazy husband didn't sweep the floor!" When the reality is (1) he has different standards for floor cleanliness or (2) knew it needed to be swept but decided to, say, help a kid with homework or play legos with a kid instead, which is important for bonding or (3) knew it needed to be swept but is so scatterbrained that he literally just forgot and got distracted by doing something else or (4) planned to do it after dinner. Etc. Things may look very different from his perspective.

You seem angry and resentful of your husband. This is something you need to work through. You guys seriously may need marriage therapy (I went with my spouse). You seem to feel you are being taken advantage of. You seem contemptuous of your husband and consider him to be "lazy." All of these things are relationship killers. Believe me, you want to have a good relationship with your spouse, both for your children and your own emotional well-being. You need to stop looking at this situation as "my spouse is lazy" and look at it more as, "OK, this is not the future I had expected, but my spouse has needs too, and how can we work together to make sure that both his and my needs are met and that he family needs are met too." [/quote]

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