SAHD not wanting to return to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to either take complete ownership of the household stuff (you work 50-60 hours a week!!) or he needs to find a way to make enough money to pay for a nanny. I get that you could pay for a nanny now, but unless he has a golden 10 inch cock, why would you be ok with with being married to a completely useless human being?

I can appreciate why he doesn't want to be tied down to a regular job, low down on the totem pole at this stage in the game. But he can't just check out of life all together and expect to stay married.

There are lot's of ways people can make income without clocking in everyday. Is he open to exploring anything at all?

It sounds to me that you are TOO understanding. A stay at home parent DOES have to take care of the house. Maybe not to a betty crocker standard but with you gone 50-60 hours a week and supporting 4 people completely on your own, there should be no nagging in your universe. Dinner and how it arrives should not be a thought on your mind.

I agree with all of this. OP, I'm pissed at your husband on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So before we had kids we agreed that DH would stay home until they were in school full time. It was a decision based on the fact that I had a career with upward mobility, whereas his was more of a job where it isn't as detrimental long term to leave for a while; the fact that my job requires travel in order to move up and we knew it would be awful for both of us to work F/T with me traveling and no one being there for our child; and temperament - he's better at parenting than I am and we always knew that'd be the case.

We agreed - home for about 5-6 yrs, after which we'd get a nanny etc. (finances wouldn't be a huge issue). So fast forward 11 yrs and DH is STILL home. 2 kids - both in full time school so they're gone all day long. They are also now old enough that they want to play sports, do activities, go to summer camps for some part of the summer - so it's not even like they are running home the minute school ends. DH OTOH spends his time video gaming; watching TV ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I don't expect that bc he's home, he should do all the housework - but I do expect him in taking the lead re dinner, laundry, and errands (we have a cleaning person - so it's not like I'm expecting him to be scrubbing the bathroom). Even then - with the kids gone 30-40 hrs/wk, I'd say he takes care of dinner, laundry and errands maybe 1/2 the time - and that's when I nag; and by dinner - I mean picking up take out, I'm not expecting him to whip up a 4 course meal. In the meantime I work about 50-60 hrs a wk, usually getting home around 8-9 pm, and travel a fair amount.

I've brought up returning to work and he is hemming and hawing. Finally it comes out today that he doesn't want to go back to any kind of regular office 40 hr/wk job with a set schedule. This isn't about money - we can be fine with him being a SAHD - but am I wrong in being a bit resentful that he doesn't WANT a job tying him down? I don't particularly WANT to work 60 hrs/wk either - yet I do it bc I know that's what it takes to pay the mortgage/bills, save for retirement/college etc. WWYD?

This reminds me of my H's uncle - all he does is golf and cheating. I'd get out asap and be with someone who's an adult. Hopefully someone who respects you and thinks of you of something else than a meal ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So before we had kids we agreed that DH would stay home until they were in school full time. It was a decision based on the fact that I had a career with upward mobility, whereas his was more of a job where it isn't as detrimental long term to leave for a while; the fact that my job requires travel in order to move up and we knew it would be awful for both of us to work F/T with me traveling and no one being there for our child; and temperament - he's better at parenting than I am and we always knew that'd be the case.

We agreed - home for about 5-6 yrs, after which we'd get a nanny etc. (finances wouldn't be a huge issue). So fast forward 11 yrs and DH is STILL home. 2 kids - both in full time school so they're gone all day long. They are also now old enough that they want to play sports, do activities, go to summer camps for some part of the summer - so it's not even like they are running home the minute school ends. DH OTOH spends his time video gaming; watching TV ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I don't expect that bc he's home, he should do all the housework - but I do expect him in taking the lead re dinner, laundry, and errands (we have a cleaning person - so it's not like I'm expecting him to be scrubbing the bathroom). Even then - with the kids gone 30-40 hrs/wk, I'd say he takes care of dinner, laundry and errands maybe 1/2 the time - and that's when I nag; and by dinner - I mean picking up take out, I'm not expecting him to whip up a 4 course meal. In the meantime I work about 50-60 hrs a wk, usually getting home around 8-9 pm, and travel a fair amount.

I've brought up returning to work and he is hemming and hawing. Finally it comes out today that he doesn't want to go back to any kind of regular office 40 hr/wk job with a set schedule. This isn't about money - we can be fine with him being a SAHD - but am I wrong in being a bit resentful that he doesn't WANT a job tying him down? I don't particularly WANT to work 60 hrs/wk either - yet I do it bc I know that's what it takes to pay the mortgage/bills, save for retirement/college etc. WWYD?

This reminds me of my H's uncle - all he does is golf and cheating. I'd get out asap and be with someone who's an adult. Hopefully someone who respects you and thinks of you of something else than a meal ticket.

Yeah, but she'd be on the hook for spousal support and child support, so she'd still be paying his bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation, with my SAH husband not pulling his weight, while I was effectively handcuffed to a good paying job.

I would come home to Burgerking for the kids five nights a week, an unkempt house which was picked up but not clean, school work not being monitored, on and on. I hired a housekeeper because I couldn't stand it.

After the kids left high school, I started charging my SAH husband rent and half of the bills. I told him it didn't matter what he did, but this is what it cost.

It did ease my resentment quite a bit. If I wanted the house clean, I cleaned it. If I wanted a nice meal, I cooked it. I also stopped funding dates. If we did something nice, he could save up for it, otherwise I went by myself.

Strangely, lots of other parts of our life works for us. We are both fairly moderate to high drive matched sex partners, We enjoy each other's company, and he is brilliant even if he is not traditional.

Anyway, that's what worked for us.

So he went back to work? How else did he pay rent?

Yes but he wasn't tied to a 9-5 job - he did different projects, some temp work, etc. I wasn't asking ridiculous rent ($800) and half utilities, the cable bill is all his because I do t watch TV, but it did seem to change the resentment dynamic for me, having him contribute something, since I thought he did a terrible job as a SAH husband. Essentially, I fired him from SAH.

[Anonymous]

He's a complete loser. My DH was laid off a few months ago. It sucks, BUT despite him not wanting to be home, it has been glorious. He does all grocery shopping, laundry, bills, makes a home cooked dinner, home improvement projects, kids homework, costco/target runs, and keeps thr house tidy. And still manages to go on 2 interviews a week id be open tk him being home forever if it didnt mean a crushing blow to our 401k long term

He hates not working and contributes to the home because he'd feel like a loser if he wasnt doing something. Your husband simply has no work ethic. Do you manage to hold your nose and have sex with this guy? I definitely wouldn't be able to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a complete loser. My DH was laid off a few months ago. It sucks, BUT despite him not wanting to be home, it has been glorious. He does all grocery shopping, laundry, bills, makes a home cooked dinner, home improvement projects, kids homework, costco/target runs, and keeps thr house tidy. And still manages to go on 2 interviews a week id be open tk him being home forever if it didnt mean a crushing blow to our 401k long term

He hates not working and contributes to the home because he'd feel like a loser if he wasnt doing something. Your husband simply has no work ethic. Do you manage to hold your nose and have sex with this guy? I definitely wouldn't be able to do it.

Yes. This. Having a stay at home somebody is glorious. Wish we could afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation, with my SAH husband not pulling his weight, while I was effectively handcuffed to a good paying job.

I would come home to Burgerking for the kids five nights a week, an unkempt house which was picked up but not clean, school work not being monitored, on and on. I hired a housekeeper because I couldn't stand it.

After the kids left high school, I started charging my SAH husband rent and half of the bills. I told him it didn't matter what he did, but this is what it cost.

It did ease my resentment quite a bit. If I wanted the house clean, I cleaned it. If I wanted a nice meal, I cooked it. I also stopped funding dates. If we did something nice, he could save up for it, otherwise I went by myself.

Strangely, lots of other parts of our life works for us. We are both fairly moderate to high drive matched sex partners, We enjoy each other's company, and he is brilliant even if he is not traditional.

Anyway, that's what worked for us.

So he went back to work? How else did he pay rent?

Yes but he wasn't tied to a 9-5 job - he did different projects, some temp work, etc. I wasn't asking ridiculous rent ($800) and half utilities, the cable bill is all his because I do t watch TV, but it did seem to change the resentment dynamic for me, having him contribute something, since I thought he did a terrible job as a SAH husband. Essentially, I fired him from SAH.

^^^oh yeah, I made him pay for his own hobbies and separated cell phones, so he had to choose and buy his own cell phone. He pays for all maintenance on his car, and his car insurance. He takes me on vacations now, mostly to local BB, the beach, we go to live theater, local string quartets, and other local live music. I contribute to an IRA for him and max out my own 401k as a result. I pay for his healthcare.

We love each other, but my resentment was making me deeply unhappy and making me feel used. OP, it should matter to your husband how you feel. Maybe if you loosened the parameters of what work should look like, and told him that you didn't care what he did, but he had to pay " rent" of $1000 to continue to live in the house, maybe he would look at getting something part time, or work at something which he enjoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- hadn't checked back in a while.

To those asking what would happen if DH went back to work - who would cover sick days; travel days; dr appts; after school etc. We would get a nanny/housekeeper for after school/driving the kids around/light cooking or housekeeping. As for sick days/dr appointments - I am now senior enough in my career that I can take some time off - so it's like I'm expecting DH to cover this stuff in month 4 at a new job.

Reality is - this isn't about money at all. Nor am I looking to quit my job or anything. But I guess I'm just resentful of the fact that he doesn't want to "be tied down" to a job - as if me being tied down to 60 hrs/wk for the last 11 yrs has been the most fun thing ever.

For those saying - well the kids aren't wandering around naked and hungry, so he must be doing something - well yeah, but a LOT less than what I would expect a stay home parent to do. I am not someone who thinks the stay home parent needs to be scrubbing the toilets or cooking 5 course meals (he doesn't - we have a cleaning person; and meals are either defrosting what I've made on weekends and/or takeout most days of the week). But I feel like the person staying home SHOULD do things like laundry, errands, grocery shopping etc. and generally "run the household." He will do those things begrudgingly but only when I nag about it. If we're leaving to go away for a weekend, I'll ask him on Wed. to make sure the kids' laundry is done so we can take off right after school on Friday. Friday rolls around and I leave work early to get home after school to find that he just started the laundry 20 min ago. Or he'll eat/take the kids out to eat dinner and it has happened that I get home at 9 pm and there's nothing for dinner for me -- i.e. didn't even occur to him to grab a takeout order for me as they were leaving the restaurant. His laziness makes me feel like I have a 3rd child.

FWIW, I agree that your DH should be picking up more of the home front stuff. Is doesn't sound like you actually want him to go back to work but to pick up more of the home front stuff. I suggest you just stop doing some of those things and see how long it is before he picks them up. Your children are at an age where they can take over laundry. Does he do the yard work? Car maintenance? What things does he like to do (or did he used to like to do).

I think you both need to go to a trained person who can help you navigate through this so neither of you is on the defensive and can work through it. It maybe that he feels stuck in a place and may be depressed. After staying at home for so long, it is hard to figure out what to do next and how to break into it. Based on your job, it sounds like he will have to find a part time or very flexible job from the get go. A traveling spouse who works past 7 pm when they are at home, doesn't work as well with a 9-5 inflexible type of job, especially if you want your children to do activities after school. Are you prepared to pay for more for childcare than he brings in? A housekeeper/nanny that does that type of thing can be very costly. What was his career before he quit to stay at home so you could go full throttle on your career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- hadn't checked back in a while.

To those asking what would happen if DH went back to work - who would cover sick days; travel days; dr appts; after school etc. We would get a nanny/housekeeper for after school/driving the kids around/light cooking or housekeeping. As for sick days/dr appointments - I am now senior enough in my career that I can take some time off - so it's NOT like I'm expecting DH to cover this stuff in month 4 at a new job.

Reality is - this isn't about money at all. Nor am I looking to quit my job or anything. But I guess I'm just resentful of the fact that he doesn't want to "be tied down" to a job - as if me being tied down to 60 hrs/wk for the last 11 yrs has been the most fun thing ever.

For those saying - well the kids aren't wandering around naked and hungry, so he must be doing something - well yeah, but a LOT less than what I would expect a stay home parent to do. I am not someone who thinks the stay home parent needs to be scrubbing the toilets or cooking 5 course meals (he doesn't - we have a cleaning person; and meals are either defrosting what I've made on weekends and/or takeout most days of the week). But I feel like the person staying home SHOULD do things like laundry, errands, grocery shopping etc. and generally "run the household." He will do those things begrudgingly but only when I nag about it. If we're leaving to go away for a weekend, I'll ask him on Wed. to make sure the kids' laundry is done so we can take off right after school on Friday. Friday rolls around and I leave work early to get home after school to find that he just started the laundry 20 min ago. Or he'll eat/take the kids out to eat dinner and it has happened that I get home at 9 pm and there's nothing for dinner for me -- i.e. didn't even occur to him to grab a takeout order for me as they were leaving the restaurant. His laziness makes me feel like I have a 3rd child.

My friend's husband was like this and many of our other friends also said he needed to go back to work. Here's the bigger problem, he's not putting into a retirement and it comes quicker than you know. He's wasting years and won't be able to catch up if you don't make changes. It's not a option, your husband needs to get a job. And both of you need to be more organized. Do a load of laundry before work, a little cleaning each day so most is done by the weekend. Use a crock pot etc.

My friend's husband finally did go back to work and the best job he could get was a manager of men's store. Now he's 50 and they won't be able to retire anytime soon. OP you're husband is a bum.

[Anonymous]

If one person stays at home, they should take care of all the household work and kids. That's the way it should be. If DH isn't, then you need to have a come to Jesus meeting.

But the hypocrisy of women in their treatment of this DH versus if the sexes were reversed is staggering. Imagine the outcry if a man made his wife pay rent to live in their own house! When a DW stays at home and doesn't pull her weight, well, there's always a reason why DH should still be doing half the work.

No, it doesn't work that way. SAH spouse doesn't get a permanent vacation while the beast of burden works to provide a nanny and housekeeper.