SAHD not wanting to return to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean that he isn't taking the lead on dinner/childcare? Are you are coming home at 8-9pm to hungry, dirty children who don't have their homework done? Or is it that you want him to get up and cook for you or get you take-out at 9pm? What happens when you travel? Do you have to arrange carpools or have your mom come to make dinner for the kids?

I am not saying that this is super-hard work. I am a SAHP of five, three of them are in school, and it isn't super hard. But I think you are exaggerating here on how very little he contributes to your household and really minimizing the difficulty and expense of finding and keeping quality childcare/housekeeping for the hours you need it.

You know, it isn't that cleaning and cooking is difficult, but it is time. I'm not a SAHP, but if my DH could afford it, it would make life easier to have that flexibility. Or at least have me work part time. Yes, the kids are in school now, but parents are going to need additional help soon. Life is easier when one parent can be at home. Provided that person does the work around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean that he isn't taking the lead on dinner/childcare? Are you are coming home at 8-9pm to hungry, dirty children who don't have their homework done? Or is it that you want him to get up and cook for you or get you take-out at 9pm? What happens when you travel? Do you have to arrange carpools or have your mom come to make dinner for the kids?

I am not saying that this is super-hard work. I am a SAHP of five, three of them are in school, and it isn't super hard. But I think you are exaggerating here on how very little he contributes to your household and really minimizing the difficulty and expense of finding and keeping quality childcare/housekeeping for the hours you need it.

I am not OP but my H is out of work on workman's comp.

He has cooked 1 meal all year, it is April.

If I get home at 8 I usually realize he did not make anything and I pick something up or the kids have already eaten a hot pocket, soup or junk.

Every Monday I do a crockpot.

So.. monday (crockpot), tuesday (hotpocket), wednesday (i pick up something), Th (leftovers), Friday (I order pizza), Saturday/Sunday... I cook.

PP here, and I know women with SAHD's like this. One does freezer meals over the weekend and he just puts one in the oven every day. I know there are men who are alcoholics and dead beats. But none of these sound like the OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

That's very nice but if he doesn't want a full time job, why doesn't he make himself more useful at home? Meals and cleaning, at a minimum, should be done every day. What does the man do every day till 3 pm? Play video games? Is she supposed to underwrite this because..?

[Anonymous]

I mean if he's at home all day without kids, ALL meals, laundry, errands should be done. Without reminders or nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

Just think about how much the parent that has been working this whole time would rather not be at a 9-5 job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

Just think about how much the parent that has been working this whole time would rather not be at a 9-5 job.

It didn't sound at ALL like the OP wants to quit her job and SAH doing all of the cleaning and childcare to her optimal level while her husband works.
It never seems like that when men post these things either. They want their lives to be exactly the same, to travel whenever work requires it, to stay late or go in early whenever they have additional work to do, to take vacation when it is convenient, etc. And just somehow have their spouse work around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

Just think about how much the parent that has been working this whole time would rather not be at a 9-5 job.

It didn't sound at ALL like the OP wants to quit her job and SAH doing all of the cleaning and childcare to her optimal level while her husband works.
It never seems like that when men post these things either. They want their lives to be exactly the same, to travel whenever work requires it, to stay late or go in early whenever they have additional work to do, to take vacation when it is convenient, etc. And just somehow have their spouse work around that.

OP might like to lounge around like her husband is doing while he works. Doesn't sound like a bad gig to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

Just think about how much the parent that has been working this whole time would rather not be at a 9-5 job.

It didn't sound at ALL like the OP wants to quit her job and SAH doing all of the cleaning and childcare to her optimal level while her husband works.
It never seems like that when men post these things either. They want their lives to be exactly the same, to travel whenever work requires it, to stay late or go in early whenever they have additional work to do, to take vacation when it is convenient, etc. And just somehow have their spouse work around that.

I am sure the nanny can play video games all day long and do the minimum with the kids after school just fine.

The truth is, I want to be married to an adults that act like an adult not a dependent child... man or woman.

I expect more from my teenagers than OP is getting from her H.

If her H worked at least she would have some respect for him. A crappy SAH(person) is an burden.

OP will have a nanny so there is no need for anything to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a whole army of women who left the workforce to raise young children and then decided to not go back to work. And not all of them are great at running the household. This sounds like your DH. Instead of playing video games there sitting in Starbucks wearing yoga pants complaining about their crappy husbands. In other words, your husband sounds perfectly average.

I agree. I am sympathetic to the more common situation of DH whose SAH wife does little after the kids are in school. In your case, the gender reversal is uncommon, I can understand why you would *feel* resentment, but "rationally" it's not that unusual to not want to do a 9 to 5 job after 11 years at home. You can keep on pushing him but at some point might have to accept he won't change. Please don't divorce over this, even if he doesn't get a job.

Just think about how much the parent that has been working this whole time would rather not be at a 9-5 job.

It didn't sound at ALL like the OP wants to quit her job and SAH doing all of the cleaning and childcare to her optimal level while her husband works.
It never seems like that when men post these things either. They want their lives to be exactly the same, to travel whenever work requires it, to stay late or go in early whenever they have additional work to do, to take vacation when it is convenient, etc. And just somehow have their spouse work around that.

I am sure the nanny can play video games all day long and do the minimum with the kids after school just fine.

The truth is, I want to be married to an adults that act like an adult not a dependent child... man or woman.

I expect more from my teenagers than OP is getting from her H.

If her H worked at least she would have some respect for him. A crappy SAH(person) is an burden.

OP will have a nanny so there is no need for anything to change.

Exactly how I feel about SAHW who is still SAHW despite the fact kids are in HS and DO NOT NEED HER to do all the crap she claims they need....

[Anonymous]

DH in this situation is probably like Patrick Wilson in "Little Children" - banging away at the bored SAHM with the neglectful DH b/c she fulfills the desires and dreams of his now unfulfilled yourth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean if he's at home all day without kids, ALL meals, laundry, errands should be done. Without reminders or nagging.

This. I am SAHM to one ES and one part time preschooler and I do this all of this without being asked. It is absolutely my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean if he's at home all day without kids, ALL meals, laundry, errands should be done. Without reminders or nagging.

This. I am SAHM to one ES and one part time preschooler and I do this all of this without being asked. It is absolutely my job.

Yep. When my daughter was in K-2 I did about 3-4 hours of consulting work at home per day and I still got all of this done.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- hadn't checked back in a while.

To those asking what would happen if DH went back to work - who would cover sick days; travel days; dr appts; after school etc. We would get a nanny/housekeeper for after school/driving the kids around/light cooking or housekeeping. As for sick days/dr appointments - I am now senior enough in my career that I can take some time off - so it's like I'm expecting DH to cover this stuff in month 4 at a new job.

Reality is - this isn't about money at all. Nor am I looking to quit my job or anything. But I guess I'm just resentful of the fact that he doesn't want to "be tied down" to a job - as if me being tied down to 60 hrs/wk for the last 11 yrs has been the most fun thing ever.

For those saying - well the kids aren't wandering around naked and hungry, so he must be doing something - well yeah, but a LOT less than what I would expect a stay home parent to do. I am not someone who thinks the stay home parent needs to be scrubbing the toilets or cooking 5 course meals (he doesn't - we have a cleaning person; and meals are either defrosting what I've made on weekends and/or takeout most days of the week). But I feel like the person staying home SHOULD do things like laundry, errands, grocery shopping etc. and generally "run the household." He will do those things begrudgingly but only when I nag about it. If we're leaving to go away for a weekend, I'll ask him on Wed. to make sure the kids' laundry is done so we can take off right after school on Friday. Friday rolls around and I leave work early to get home after school to find that he just started the laundry 20 min ago. Or he'll eat/take the kids out to eat dinner and it has happened that I get home at 9 pm and there's nothing for dinner for me -- i.e. didn't even occur to him to grab a takeout order for me as they were leaving the restaurant. His laziness makes me feel like I have a 3rd child.