SAHD not wanting to return to work

[Anonymous]

Can he do career training at a community college to do a career change? Many men are getting into the medical field -my usual dental hygeniest is a man, and on a recent trip to the ER I had a great male nurse. I've heard from nurse friends that a lot of men are getting into the emergency room nursing field for the flexible hours, it's fast-paced, and they can move up quickly because they're able to do some stuff women can't always do, like lifting heavier patients on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't wait to see the advice dished out by the DCUM women on this one.

Right!?! Let it out, hypocrites!!

I'm sorry OP. That completely sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't wait to see the advice dished out by the DCUM women on this one.

DCUM does not approve of SAH's who do not cook and clean, regardless of gender.

You got that right.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. He's backed you into a corner where you either have to put up with it or get out. You can't MAKE him go to work. you can choose not to let your kids see that example. Since your basically the only adult in the house, leaving isn't going to be much different. Or you stay. All awful options.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him and marry me.

[Anonymous]

I think over the years he just got too comfortable w/the status quo & is unreluctant to step out of his comfort zone.

He needs to look for a job stat and in the meantime needs to keep the home fires burning.

W/you gone @work + kids in school full time he needs to be doing more around the house.
It sounds like he definitely has the time and ability to do so.

You have every right to be annoyed OP.
Anyone in your position would be.

[Anonymous]

I am sympathetic to the SAHD. Who wants to start a new job of being low man on the totem pole at his age when you do not need the money. Also, you work long hours and travel. DH needs to have the flexibility to be around for the kids. I do think he needs to take ownership of all errands, dinners... I would tell him that you are exhausted and need more help.

[Anonymous]

I am a sahm and we have a housecleaner come every other week. I wasn't a great housekeeper before I married, before kids and when I was a wohp. I didn't magically turn into one when I became a sahp. (I do like to cook- so there is that- however my adventurous eater left for college and I am tired of cooking for two fairly picky eaters, but I digress).

If your DH went back to work, can you do the emergency sick days and snow days and all the doctor's appointments for at least a year? What about being at the house when someone comes to fix something? Someone who is starting out again can't be the back up parent. How flexible is your job? Having to be a back up parent when starting a new entry level type of job can be sabotaging. Can you do pick up from aftercare? You say your job involves travel, doing drop off and pickup when you are gone will make it difficult for your children to do after school activities as your DH will have to have a full days work and commute.

Does your DH do well with the parenting side? Is he a great father? Does he volunteer in the school? They love Dad's. Does he do more of the upkeep of the house? Who does the yard maintenance now? Who does the car maintenance now? Is he likely to coach one of your children's sport's teams?

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. It took her DH going away for three weeks for her to see all the stuff her DH actually did that she took for granted. She realized he was the glue that held everything together. Are you more of a type "A? and your DH more of a type "B"?

It sounds like you guys may benefit from a third party helping you iron out some things and come to agreement and find a better balance. Since money is not the issue, I don't think having your DH go to work is the solution for you all. It would add to your current burden, not subtract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and we have a housecleaner come every other week. I wasn't a great housekeeper before I married, before kids and when I was a wohp. I didn't magically turn into one when I became a sahp. (I do like to cook- so there is that- however my adventurous eater left for college and I am tired of cooking for two fairly picky eaters, but I digress).

If your DH went back to work, can you do the emergency sick days and snow days and all the doctor's appointments for at least a year? What about being at the house when someone comes to fix something? Someone who is starting out again can't be the back up parent. How flexible is your job? Having to be a back up parent when starting a new entry level type of job can be sabotaging. Can you do pick up from aftercare? You say your job involves travel, doing drop off and pickup when you are gone will make it difficult for your children to do after school activities as your DH will have to have a full days work and commute.

Does your DH do well with the parenting side? Is he a great father? Does he volunteer in the school? They love Dad's. Does he do more of the upkeep of the house? Who does the yard maintenance now? Who does the car maintenance now? Is he likely to coach one of your children's sport's teams?

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. It took her DH going away for three weeks for her to see all the stuff her DH actually did that she took for granted. She realized he was the glue that held everything together. Are you more of a type "A? and your DH more of a type "B"?

It sounds like you guys may benefit from a third party helping you iron out some things and come to agreement and find a better balance. Since money is not the issue, I don't think having your DH go to work is the solution for you all. It would add to your current burden, not subtract.

Uh...OP said they would get a nanny. My DH works full time, volunteers at the school, coachea sports teams, does the car maintenance,

I hate hate to brraknotnto you, but these thingsbyou list are not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. He's backed you into a corner where you either have to put up with it or get out. You can't MAKE him go to work. you can choose not to let your kids see that example. Since your basically the only adult in the house, leaving isn't going to be much different. Or you stay. All awful options.

+1. Not great options. Here is the million dollar question, what do you want that is within your control? If you are burnt out with work and want to spend more time with the kids, figure out how to downsize your expenses and improve your financial investments to make that possible. Your DH salary or lack thereof isn't part of that equation. If it's food at the ready, look into one of those places that delivers meals and when the kid activities are old enough make sure they know how to cook. If you love your job and want to be able to travel etc, but hate the idea of husband doing little all day, then look into divorce but realize what few benefits you have been getting from him SAH might be gone unless you were still supporting him and he had primary custody. Things like him being home when kids are sick, taking them to the doctors, making 50% of the meals, leaving at 3:30 to pickup at school and drop at sports etc.

I'm being brutally honest but if my husband traveled a lot for work and worked long hours, I would probably be want to be a SAHP, even with the kids in school. I have zero desire to be the default parent and work full-time, and try to cook and clean. At that point, if I'm doing all that, I feel like I might as well be a single parent. See the thread on millennials women wanting to be SAHM. Oh and I know several people that have a SAH spouse and an au pair/babysitter when the husband travels a lot for work and they have 2 or more kids and the husband makes good money. Personally, I would either have to be able to work from home near full-time, or make really good money working part-time to make it worth it if financially we didn't need my salary. Otherwise I feel like we would have to pay a nanny/au pair and neither of us are spending time with the kids. If I had to start at the bottom of the totem pole or was making a modest salary it will be a lot more stress for what - maybe adding 10-20K after taxes and paying the nanny - money that isn't critical to our survival.

[Anonymous]

^^^ I hate this $20K is not a lot of money BS argument. You know $20K x 20 years is $400K.

Hire the nanny. Tell him she starts in August.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean that he isn't taking the lead on dinner/childcare? Are you are coming home at 8-9pm to hungry, dirty children who don't have their homework done? Or is it that you want him to get up and cook for you or get you take-out at 9pm? What happens when you travel? Do you have to arrange carpools or have your mom come to make dinner for the kids?

I am not saying that this is super-hard work. I am a SAHP of five, three of them are in school, and it isn't super hard. But I think you are exaggerating here on how very little he contributes to your household and really minimizing the difficulty and expense of finding and keeping quality childcare/housekeeping for the hours you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a sahm and we have a housecleaner come every other week. I wasn't a great housekeeper before I married, before kids and when I was a wohp. I didn't magically turn into one when I became a sahp. (I do like to cook- so there is that- however my adventurous eater left for college and I am tired of cooking for two fairly picky eaters, but I digress).

If your DH went back to work, can you do the emergency sick days and snow days and all the doctor's appointments for at least a year? What about being at the house when someone comes to fix something? Someone who is starting out again can't be the back up parent. How flexible is your job? Having to be a back up parent when starting a new entry level type of job can be sabotaging. Can you do pick up from aftercare? You say your job involves travel, doing drop off and pickup when you are gone will make it difficult for your children to do after school activities as your DH will have to have a full days work and commute.

Does your DH do well with the parenting side? Is he a great father? Does he volunteer in the school? They love Dad's. Does he do more of the upkeep of the house? Who does the yard maintenance now? Who does the car maintenance now? Is he likely to coach one of your children's sport's teams?

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. It took her DH going away for three weeks for her to see all the stuff her DH actually did that she took for granted. She realized he was the glue that held everything together. Are you more of a type "A? and your DH more of a type "B"?

It sounds like you guys may benefit from a third party helping you iron out some things and come to agreement and find a better balance. Since money is not the issue, I don't think having your DH go to work is the solution for you all. It would add to your current burden, not subtract.

Uh...OP said they would get a nanny. My DH works full time, volunteers at the school, coachea sports teams, does the car maintenance,

I hate hate to brraknotnto you, but these thingsbyou list are not hard.

So, they are going to hire a nanny for all of the hours that OP is working? Even when the kids are in school in case of an emergency? What happens if :: the nanny watches TV during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean that he isn't taking the lead on dinner/childcare? Are you are coming home at 8-9pm to hungry, dirty children who don't have their homework done? Or is it that you want him to get up and cook for you or get you take-out at 9pm? What happens when you travel? Do you have to arrange carpools or have your mom come to make dinner for the kids?

I am not saying that this is super-hard work. I am a SAHP of five, three of them are in school, and it isn't super hard. But I think you are exaggerating here on how very little he contributes to your household and really minimizing the difficulty and expense of finding and keeping quality childcare/housekeeping for the hours you need it.

I am not OP but my H is out of work on workman's comp.

He has cooked 1 meal all year, it is April.

If I get home at 8 I usually realize he did not make anything and I pick something up or the kids have already eaten a hot pocket, soup or junk.

Every Monday I do a crockpot.

So.. monday (crockpot), tuesday (hotpocket), wednesday (i pick up something), Th (leftovers), Friday (I order pizza), Saturday/Sunday... I cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While you may have thought that he agreed to be a SAHD bc it made the most sense given finances/careers etc., I'm guessing he agreed bc he isn't a hard working guy and it got him out of answering to a boss, getting to work on time etc. I'm sure the baby years were tough, but now he's probably enjoying the fruits of his labor - chilling all day. I mean a grown man with elementary aged kids who are gone all day can't do a few loads of laundry per week and pick up take out?? He's lazy and you're bankrolling his lifestyle.

Not sure what you can do though besides fight about it. Would the approach of - I've worked really hard and want to switch jobs down to a 40 hr/wk job so what can you do to bring in some additional income - be workable?

Yep when I see a SAHM I think the same thing...lazy slackers.