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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I read a book on mothers and it boiled down to, they are not going to be around  much longer so don't get too bogged down with their faults.[/quote]

-1,000  I'm sorry but being old doesn't give you a free pass on all of the crappy things you've done.  It's like saying, "Oh, well, that guy who abused children is in his 80s now.  He's not going to be around longer, so just get over it!"

A lot depends on the severity of the treatment and the damage it has done.

If your mother has caused you long-term suffering and misery and continues to do so with toxic behavior, then it's difficult not to get "too bogged down with it."

I have a friend whose mother pulled some manipulative stuff.  Here's what she did.  She cut ties with her mother for a significant portion of time.  Having space from her mother enabled her to truly let go of the hurt and the pain because she wasn't constantly dealing with more nonsense from her mom.  After several years, she was able to reconnect with her mother and establish a cordial relationship with very strong boundaries.

I think the only reason it worked is that she did get that space from her mom.  It's similar to the PP who said she moved 2,000 miles away.

Part of the problem with moving forward is that you are dealing with two things.  (1) you are still grappling with the baggage of all of the past hurt and pain caused by your mother and (2) you are caught in a cycle of current bad treatment.  So it's impossible to work through the old stuff when there is a constant onslaught of new stuff.

Take a break from your mother.  Get some space in order to work through and let go of things.   When you start to feel a sense of relief, reconnect in very basic ways and with very clear boundaries.  Don't try to be close or share personal things.  Just reestablish a very cordial arms-length relationship.

[/quote]

So OP,

You can either get bogged down in resentment like the second poster, or you can take the advice of the first poster and free yourself.

There is some really good parenting advice "Parent the child you have, not the child you want."

Try that advice with roles reversed.[/quote]

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