Help Needed for 12 YO - Out of Control/Defiant

[Anonymous]

If this were happening in my family, I would discuss with pediatrician in a consult without kid there, and ask for a referral to an adolescent psychiatrist most likely. I feel very strongly that this child is dealing with something in the range of normal teen angst, but way up there on the meter. In any case, handling it without professional guidance is not getting you all anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think ODD pops up at age 12.

Not OP- I mentioned ODD and I'm curious if there were earlier signs of it-- I would be concerned if he was a typical kid, then suddenly became aggressive and immune to consequences. ODD is usually symptomatic of something else-- I didn't see where OP mentioned ADHD or another diagnosis.

This is one of the reasons why ODD is so hard on families. Unless you are living through it, you don't get it. For the majority of people, it is hard to imagine a life when your child will say anything and do anything to you. Threaten you in front of the police? Yes. Can't force him into a car without getting yourself injured or risking him attacking you while you are driving. Society has few options for children with mental illness or children who have ODD- which left untreated will progress into a conduct disorder. For our family, after several short inpatient stays, our son was ultimately placed in residential treatment for 5 months. It was the only way to get 24 hour consistency- which this disorder needs- and to keep the family safe, not to mention, reducing the impact on the younger child in our home. Residential is a last resort- it isn't a cure. But we now have more good days than bad days and the physical abuse has dramatically reduced.

OP, I feel for you because DS is 11 and we've been fighting this for years. Things have gotten better but the first thing I had to do was to STOP listening to those who hadn't BTDT. If someone calls it a temper tantrum, they don't know what they are talking about. You need a support group specifically designed for this extreme behavior so you can talk to people who can provide real ideas of possible resources. And make sure your doctor does complete physical and mental examinations. It's likely that a combination of intensive therapy for your child, family therapy, and medication will get you started.

And document everything- all of the destruction and physical abuse. Videotape secretly if you can. We've had two CPS visits- which weren't dismissed until we were able to show what really happens in the home. Because even most social workers don't know what to do if the child is the aggressor.

[Anonymous]

I went to. Dr Rene class recently and she specifically recommended a male psychologist in Falls Church who works w Young male adolescents - wish I could find the name but maybe someone else knows it?

[Anonymous]

You should drug test him. Even if you think he is not on them, he might be. I agree with the no phone. I would take all media away. I would ground him. Give him wholesome books to read for fun. Get control now or it sounds like it will get much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the posters blaming the parents are 100% wrong and have never been in their shoes.
If you have not been in a similar situation - please stop posting. Just because your child is perfect doesn't mean every child is like yours, some sadly have mental illness. It does not mean the parents are the cause.

I am not blaming the parents, and I have been up close to this situation (as a sibling, granted, not a parent.) If the child is being defiant at home, not at school, the child is in part reacting to how he or she is being parented. If the parents are totally unwilling to explore their own role in both creating and solving the dynamic, they are never going to get anywhere. The parent-child interaction is a relationship with three parties. You can't just chop off two of those parties and look only to the child.

This was how my brother dealt with our mentally unstable abusive mother. My mom flipped her shit when I attempted suicide and woke up in the hospital---because a nurse turned on the TV in my room and I wasn't supposed to have any privileges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should drug test him. Even if you think he is not on them, he might be. I agree with the no phone. I would take all media away. I would ground him. Give him wholesome books to read for fun. Get control now or it sounds like it will get much worse.

This goes against any expert advice you will get from an actual psychologist/psychiatrist.

Any update, OP? Hopefully you have found some help.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the great advice.

We had a come to jesus sit down with DS and told him his options of either accepting therapy or he would have to be sent someplace to deal with the issues. He agreed and so far has been keeping up his end of things.

He goes once a week and we go as a family once a week. We also have him scheduled to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks for 3 sessions to get an evaluation.

Still dealing with minor bouts of defiance but no major blow-ups the past 10 days, which has brought down the stress level for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the great advice.

We had a come to jesus sit down with DS and told him his options of either accepting therapy or he would have to be sent someplace to deal with the issues. He agreed and so far has been keeping up his end of things.

He goes once a week and we go as a family once a week. We also have him scheduled to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks for 3 sessions to get an evaluation.

Still dealing with minor bouts of defiance but no major blow-ups the past 10 days, which has brought down the stress level for everyone.

Did you discuss that tactic with a therapist? Threatening exile from the family is pretty severe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the great advice.

We had a come to jesus sit down with DS and told him his options of either accepting therapy or he would have to be sent someplace to deal with the issues. He agreed and so far has been keeping up his end of things.

He goes once a week and we go as a family once a week. We also have him scheduled to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks for 3 sessions to get an evaluation.

Still dealing with minor bouts of defiance but no major blow-ups the past 10 days, which has brought down the stress level for everyone.

Did you discuss that tactic with a therapist? Threatening exile from the family is pretty severe.

I don't think it's severe given the behavior problems that OP describes--stealing, inappropriate sexual behavior (porn/texting pictures). and aggression/destruction extreme enough to call the police.
I would give the same ultimatum.
I'm glad things are better- give us an update if you want. I hope your DS turns things around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the great advice.

We had a come to jesus sit down with DS and told him his options of either accepting therapy or he would have to be sent someplace to deal with the issues. He agreed and so far has been keeping up his end of things.

He goes once a week and we go as a family once a week. We also have him scheduled to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks for 3 sessions to get an evaluation.

Still dealing with minor bouts of defiance but no major blow-ups the past 10 days, which has brought down the stress level for everyone.

Did you discuss that tactic with a therapist? Threatening exile from the family is pretty severe.

Yes, it was his suggestion. He told DS the same thing in his last session. Let's be clear - it was not exile but a therapeutic boarding school.

[asmom3]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry! I know EXACTLY how you feel, and no judgement here. We've read all the books, tried all the therapy and even did the parent management training, since it was highly recommended. Your child sounds exactly like ours. There is a study going on at the NIMH on DMDD and ADHD. Turns out our son has DMDD and the study was tremendous and so helpful. We are now done with the study, and things have improved a ton, but we still have more work to do. Now I'm trying to find a psych outside of the NIMH, as the one we saw previous to doing the study has no clue about mood disorders and is always in this judgement place with us. It isn't helpful. I understand why you called the police and understand the tremendous amount of stress you are under! Where are you taking your child now for psychiatry?

[Anonymous]

As a parent with a kid now at a therapeutic boarding school, I want to note that it is hurtful to the parents who have to make this difficult decision to call what they are doing "exile." Not only that, it perpetuates a completely mistaken impression of how TBSs work with families. My kid is getting superb therapy at the TBS, and the whole family is heavily involved her work there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with a kid now at a therapeutic boarding school, I want to note that it is hurtful to the parents who have to make this difficult decision to call what they are doing "exile." Not only that, it perpetuates a completely mistaken impression of how TBSs work with families. My kid is getting superb therapy at the TBS, and the whole family is heavily involved her work there.

But OP is using boarding school as a threat to induce behavior. If TBS is going to be good and therepeutic, it should be used for that purpose. Not as a threatened punishment.

[Anonymous]

Actually, OP (and her DC's psychiatrist) outlined two choices: 1) accept and participate in therapy at home; 2) go to a therapeutic boarding school. I don't see any "threat." I see a family trying to make their child aware that nonparticipation in therapy will have a logical consequence, namely, that the second option becomes operative.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are doing fine. There are always going to be people who criticize. Sometimes police intervention is necessary and sometimes very intensive inpatient therapy is necessary. I work in the court system and there are a variety of ways the system can help juveniles. It's not all "lock him up and throw away the key." It sounds like your son had escalated it to a level where intervention by authority was necessary. You are doing fine. You know what is best for your family!