Help Needed for 12 YO - Out of Control/Defiant

[Anonymous]

Not a fan of RTCs. However, I would definitely consider it as a plan for my child. "We cannot live any longer with your out of control behavior. For peace in our family, you must attend therapy. If you will not do therapy we will send you to an RTC because the situation at home has become intolerable for us."

The key is you set the boundaries and make the child aware the the boundaries are for YOUR benefit and not for him. In other words, this isn't I am your mother and I know what is good for you. It's that his behavior has crossed a line you cannot accept. The consequence for that is therapy. Yes, we hope that is good for him but that is less the point than the fact is that this is the consequence you chose to keep YOUR boundaries from being violated. He doesn't get to question it. Since it's almost impossible to get an unwilling kid to therapy, you set another consequence to maintain YOUR boundary, that is, the RTC.

Very important to pre-announce consequences for violating your boundaries in advance, as well as to state what the consequence after that will be if consequence 1 doesn't do the trick. Also very important to carry through on consequences--so make sure they are ones you will actually do. Empty threats make the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are doing fine. There are always going to be people who criticize. Sometimes police intervention is necessary and sometimes very intensive inpatient therapy is necessary. I work in the court system and there are a variety of ways the system can help juveniles. It's not all "lock him up and throw away the key." It sounds like your son had escalated it to a level where intervention by authority was necessary. You are doing fine. You know what is best for your family!

OP here. Thank you for this. Never thought in a million years we would be dealing with something like this but just want our baby back. Hardest thing I have ever done is explaining to DS what will happen if he refuses to acknowledge and accept the help we have provided for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so glad to hear that things are better. Thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, OP (and her DC's psychiatrist) outlined two choices: 1) accept and participate in therapy at home; 2) go to a therapeutic boarding school. I don't see any "threat." I see a family trying to make their child aware that nonparticipation in therapy will have a logical consequence, namely, that the second option becomes operative.

This is exactly the way our therapist outlined it with us as well. And my DC chose to continue with therapy which is what we all hoped would work best. But we were absolutely at the place where these were the only two choices going forward. Soldier on, OP. You are doing it!

[Anonymous]

OP, know that there are people out here who have been exactly where you are. Know, too that you have acted with bravery and compassion toward your child by making his choices clear, and letting him know that the way forward is up to him. I am sending good wishes your way.