Letting go when someone cuts you off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Some say a word is dead when it is said. I say it just begins to live that day." Emily Dickinson.

Some things can never be undone and are relationship-ending forever. It sounds as though you did accuse her son, your step brother, of being a pedophile. That would be relationship ending for me.

Oh, really?

PP here with the lunatic brother. If someone I sincerely loved and trusted explained that they thought my son might have pedophelic tendencies, I'm pretty sure I'd listen up and want to know why they thought that. I would not shut them down. Pedophiles have families too, you know. Good on the OP for laying down a boundary.

Also, OP didn't do that. She expressed concern about the stepbrother's violent tendencies, based on his history. You don't have to think someone is a pedophile to not want them around your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your stepbrother?

Just curious, it sounds like you did the right thing.

OP here. He's 45.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Some say a word is dead when it is said. I say it just begins to live that day." Emily Dickinson.

Some things can never be undone and are relationship-ending forever. It sounds as though you did accuse her son, your step brother, of being a pedophile. That would be relationship ending for me.

Oh, really?

PP here with the lunatic brother. If someone I sincerely loved and trusted explained that they thought my son might have pedophelic tendencies, I'm pretty sure I'd listen up and want to know why they thought that. I would not shut them down. Pedophiles have families too, you know. Good on the OP for laying down a boundary.

Also, OP didn't do that. She expressed concern about the stepbrother's violent tendencies, based on his history. You don't have to think someone is a pedophile to not want them around your kids.

Were you there for the conversation between OP and her stepmom?

[Anonymous]

OP, my own 79 y o mother cut me off over the phone because our disagreement over my 50 y o sister. It's been two months without calls. Since she is the one who ended the call and is on my sister's side, I'm letting it go even when it hurts, it really hurts me. I try to keep myself busy and to stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP-I am made to be a villain in my family because my divorced dad has been accused of touching women (multiple) inappropriately and as a result I will not allow either of my kids to be around him alone. Many people in my family and my husband's family tell me think that I am overreacting . I've realized that I couldn't live with myself if something happened with my kids and my dad and it's a much lesser consequence than being villianized by certain members of the family for overreacting. If you great up with mental abuse which I am guessing you did, it's easy to think you are in the wrong qhen you've done nothing wrong.

Good for you. You are a parent of rare competence and courage. In another life, I was a nurse and, in most cases of child sexual abuse, there were massive clues that a lot of people in the family turned a blind eye to because ostracizing the molester is "awkward." The kind of person who gropes adults may very well molest children left vulnerable to him because the tendency to force unwanted sexual attention on those who appear vulnerable is the common theme there.

Thank you! It's good that DCURBANMOM understands even if my family doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

You stuck a nerve because she knows what you pointed out about her son is true.

I've stopped visiting my parents house altogether because of my brother's drug use. I'm concerned about one of my small children finding and investing something like an acid tablet, and the cops are always at their house. Last time we were over, my brother was going bananas at 2am and woke up my kids. I decided I was done. I've explained my reasoning for not wanting to visit (we do visits at our house, and brother not allowed) but it still eats my mom up. People don't end up off the rails overnight, it's a long process. There's plenty of behavior my parents overlooked in my brother for many years and now they know it. She probably knows her son is her biggest failure or she's still got her head in the sand and won't tolerate anyone else who isn't in la la land with her.

I'm with your DH on this. Let her go. You did the right thing by protecting your son.

Having a son or daughter with a mental illness is not a "failure"

Turning a blind eye to drug use and escalating behavior, and failing to get a child early and proper treatment for mental issues, is a failure of the worst kind.

+1 You got that right.

But who said OP's stepbrother has a drug problem or that her stepmother didn't do everything she could to help him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

You stuck a nerve because she knows what you pointed out about her son is true.

I've stopped visiting my parents house altogether because of my brother's drug use. I'm concerned about one of my small children finding and investing something like an acid tablet, and the cops are always at their house. Last time we were over, my brother was going bananas at 2am and woke up my kids. I decided I was done. I've explained my reasoning for not wanting to visit (we do visits at our house, and brother not allowed) but it still eats my mom up. People don't end up off the rails overnight, it's a long process. There's plenty of behavior my parents overlooked in my brother for many years and now they know it. She probably knows her son is her biggest failure or she's still got her head in the sand and won't tolerate anyone else who isn't in la la land with her.

I'm with your DH on this. Let her go. You did the right thing by protecting your son.

Having a son or daughter with a mental illness is not a "failure"

Turning a blind eye to drug use and escalating behavior, and failing to get a child early and proper treatment for mental issues, is a failure of the worst kind.

+1 You got that right.

But who said OP's stepbrother has a drug problem or that her stepmother didn't do everything she could to help him?

Even if Stepmom is doing everything she can, it doesn't invalidate OP's feelings. She has to do everything she can to protect her son. OP if it's a choice between your jerk for a father or the safety of your son....it's not really a choice at all. You may look back and be thankful someday that you were cut off.

[Anonymous]

Even if Stepmom is doing everything she can, it doesn't invalidate OP's feelings. She has to do everything she can to protect her son. OP if it's a choice between your jerk for a father or the safety of your son....it's not really a choice at all. You may look back and be thankful someday that you were cut off.

OP here. Agreed. I think it's partially a blessing, as it's helping me separate from my father, who is really toxic. Also, I'm not sure if my stepbrother is on drugs or not, although my dad said that he was arrested a few years ago for possession with intent to distribute. I don't even want to take a chance with my son being around this.

[Anonymous]

Op, I honestly can not fathom why you even considered sending your son unaccompanied to stay with these people when you have so many legitimate concerns about him being there w/o you.

How in your mind was that even option? What did you expect an ill woman to do to make the visit more doable for you?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I'm sure it looks insane for me to have been considering sending him. At the time that I had originally scheduled the trip my stepmother was in remission and my stepbrother was out of the picture. I had other concerns about my son visiting, but I was trying to maintain the relationship. The thing I really most regret about all of this was agreeing for him to visit them in the first place with everything that has happened in the past with my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm sure it looks insane for me to have been considering sending him. At the time that I had originally scheduled the trip my stepmother was in remission and my stepbrother was out of the picture. I had other concerns about my son visiting, but I was trying to maintain the relationship. The thing I really most regret about all of this was agreeing for him to visit them in the first place with everything that has happened in the past with my family.

O.k. it sounds as though things changed and you had to change your plans accordingly. You made a mistake in mentioning your concerns about your stepmom's son at a time when her health was so fragile. It would have been far better for you to either 1) Go with your son for the visit OR 2) Just not send him at all.

But things were tenuous, circumstances were changing daily and hind sight is 20/20 - it is ALWAYS easier to look back and say "Oh, I wish I would have done that differently given all that I know now." If only we all had that power, right? But you can't undo what is done.

Just step back, let the dust settle. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP 8:50 here. You sound like my sister who has tried whatever she can to maintain a relationship with my jerk of a father too. People who don't have these type of problems don't understand.

My ILs are wonderful and they are always trying to see if there are ways I can make amends with my dad because they see this as normal issues. My IL's family has had issues too but they are minor and completely different.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize with your intentions but you did make a few mistakes that did exacerbate your problems.

First, although you had good intentions planning a visit when your stepmother was ill, knowing your father's issues and your stepbrother's issues, when the work conflict came up, you should have canceled and rescheduled instead of planning to allow your son to go alone to visit this branch of the family. In general, I agree with your thoughts that your child should not be sent alone to be with your father or step-brother, so I would have canceled the visit entirely and just rescheduled as soon as possible.

Second, when you did cancel your visit and/or your son's visit, you needed to be more diplomatic. As a mother yourself, you know how protective you are about your own son. You should know that your stepmother is going to be likewise protective and defensive about her son. Even if you aren't accusing him of being a pedophile, you are accusing him of being violent and abusive and unless she's already shown signs of admitting that he has a problem, she's in denial and will not want to admit that her son could be violent and abusive. You should not have brought her son into the discussion. That mistake is the one that is costing you a relationship with your stepmother and will take her a long time until she can come to terms with her own situation, her health and her son's behavior, before she can reconsider your relationship with her. It's in her court how and when she's willing to revisit your relationship and right now she has health issues she needs to address for herself, so it may take time. You've made your apologies and your advances to her and she's aware of them. Now give her the space she needs to deal with her own issues and to come to terms with her own situation. It's now up to her to contact you if she ever can come to a point of accepting you into her life again.

As for your relationship with your father, I would try to continue in a more discreet and indirect way. As you can see from the comment that he accuses her of taking his grandson away, this issue is also causing stress in her marriage which only exacerbates the issues for her. So, I would try to schedule a visit to their town, but stay in a hotel a little ways away from their home (far enough away that you would not likely encounter her in a chance meeting, say at a coffee shop, supermarket, etc). Tell your father when you are visiting and that you'll have loose plans for the trip and are happy to meet him for lunch or dinner or have him accompany you and your son anywhere he likes. If he wants some alone time with your son, just say you'll be glad to work out something (like maybe grandpa can take grandson to a park, playground, children's museum or even just lunch). If grandpa wants your son to visit in their home, offer that your husband can take your son to their home and you go and do something by yourself so that grandson can visit their home without you there causing reopening of the wounds between you and stepmother. Be flexible. This half-way compromise might go a long ways to healing the rift. First that you make your son available to them as grandparents (while still easing your own concerns by having your husband there) and second that you are willing to continue your relationship with your dad while still observing and honoring her boundaries.

Good luck. You have a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize with your intentions but you did make a few mistakes that did exacerbate your problems.

First, although you had good intentions planning a visit when your stepmother was ill, knowing your father's issues and your stepbrother's issues, when the work conflict came up, you should have canceled and rescheduled instead of planning to allow your son to go alone to visit this branch of the family. In general, I agree with your thoughts that your child should not be sent alone to be with your father or step-brother, so I would have canceled the visit entirely and just rescheduled as soon as possible.

Second, when you did cancel your visit and/or your son's visit, you needed to be more diplomatic. As a mother yourself, you know how protective you are about your own son. You should know that your stepmother is going to be likewise protective and defensive about her son. Even if you aren't accusing him of being a pedophile, you are accusing him of being violent and abusive and unless she's already shown signs of admitting that he has a problem, she's in denial and will not want to admit that her son could be violent and abusive. You should not have brought her son into the discussion. That mistake is the one that is costing you a relationship with your stepmother and will take her a long time until she can come to terms with her own situation, her health and her son's behavior, before she can reconsider your relationship with her. It's in her court how and when she's willing to revisit your relationship and right now she has health issues she needs to address for herself, so it may take time. You've made your apologies and your advances to her and she's aware of them. Now give her the space she needs to deal with her own issues and to come to terms with her own situation. It's now up to her to contact you if she ever can come to a point of accepting you into her life again.

As for your relationship with your father, I would try to continue in a more discreet and indirect way. As you can see from the comment that he accuses her of taking his grandson away, this issue is also causing stress in her marriage which only exacerbates the issues for her. So, I would try to schedule a visit to their town, but stay in a hotel a little ways away from their home (far enough away that you would not likely encounter her in a chance meeting, say at a coffee shop, supermarket, etc). Tell your father when you are visiting and that you'll have loose plans for the trip and are happy to meet him for lunch or dinner or have him accompany you and your son anywhere he likes. If he wants some alone time with your son, just say you'll be glad to work out something (like maybe grandpa can take grandson to a park, playground, children's museum or even just lunch). If grandpa wants your son to visit in their home, offer that your husband can take your son to their home and you go and do something by yourself so that grandson can visit their home without you there causing reopening of the wounds between you and stepmother. Be flexible. This half-way compromise might go a long ways to healing the rift. First that you make your son available to them as grandparents (while still easing your own concerns by having your husband there) and second that you are willing to continue your relationship with your dad while still observing and honoring her boundaries.

Good luck. You have a difficult situation.

Thank you for your thoughtful and reasonable response. I did reach out already to try to visit my dad a few months ago, but he said that I wasn't welcome at that time. I'll reach out again before the holidays to see if he wants to see us. If not, I'm just going to let this go for a while. I agree I made some mistakes in our handled it, but at this point I need to just move forward.