Letting go when someone cuts you off

[Anonymous]

My stepmother and I have always had a relatively good relationship for the past 20 years, although my father and I have a rocky relationship. Several months ago my stepmother and I had a disagreement over the phone, and she hasn't spoken to me since then. I know that I hurt her feelings, and I've left messages apologizing. However, she won't return my calls or respond to my texts. I've tried to organize a trip to visit along with DS (10), who is the only grandchild. However, my dad said that my stepmother is too hurt to see me. Honestly, I think she's overreacting, but I'm having a hard time letting go. How do you let go when someone clearly doesn't want a relationship with you or at least needs space to be angry? I always try to work things out with people, even if my feelings are hurt. I just can't wrap my head around cutting someone off this way.

[Anonymous]

Can you give any details about what went wrong? Sorry if it's painful.

[Anonymous]

What was the "disagreement" about?

Also, it may be coming across that you think she's "overreacting" and thus not sincere in your apology - which can often make things much worse.

[Anonymous]

It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

[Anonymous]

Your father has asked that you respect the boundary your stepmother has put in place. You don't want to, you want her to deal with you on your terms. When someone places a hard no-contact boundary, STOP. Respect that. Each time you try to push through it, you're making things worse.

Perhaps one day your stepmother will take a tentative step towards reestablishing a relationship with you. Maybe she won't. But it takes two people to have a relationship and she has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want one with you at this time.

[Anonymous]

It would be natural for her to choose her son over your branch of the family, who are not blood relatives. Try not to take it personally. I don't know you, but this seems natural to me, even if you and your son are wonderful people and her son is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

This is a big one. Not sure if it's something you can recover from. You should listen to PP and respect her boundaries.

[Anonymous]

What is the problem with her son? That also applies to this conversation. Did you say you suspect he is a pedophile or something to that effect? Or is he in and out of rehab... Big difference. If it's the former, could see someone being irreparably offended, the latter just is what it is and she'll have to get over it.

[Anonymous]

She's maintained a relationship with you for 20 years, tried to keep your family together despite your rocky relationship with your father, accommodated you and your son, acted as a grandparent to your son, and then you hurt her feelings by criticizing her son and make up for it by offering an insincere apology because she's "overreacting." I'd be done with you, too.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me with my sister and her entire family, including her daughter/my niece, who has a family of her own. Nothing is bad enough to "cut off" a family member - it's just a terrible shame, especially for the children involved who are just innocent bystanders.

After several years now I have yet to find what it takes to resume communication, despite my own efforts. If you figure it out, OP, please let us know!

[Anonymous]

Op here. I appreciate the comments, as I know in my heart that I need to just let this go. My stepbrother has mental health issues and has threatened my father, stepmother and his own life in the past. I mentioned my concern about DS being around him, but I tried to couch it in a way that wasn't offensive or accusatory. However, she didn't take it that way and is really hurt. (She screamed, "You think my son is a pedophile," during the conversation, and I kept assuring her that that wasn't my concern.) I know how much she loves and wants to protect her son, because I feel the same way about my son. I just wish we could fix this, but I understand that I may have done irreparable damage to the relationship by voicing something that has been an ongoing issue in our blended family.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing what is your concern about her son, we can't possibly know if she is overreacting. And if you don't want your son around her son, I would assume something is really, really wrong with her son. Since you apologized, were your wrong about her son and will now allow your son to be around him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's maintained a relationship with you for 20 years, tried to keep your family together despite your rocky relationship with your father, accommodated you and your son, acted as a grandparent to your son, and then you hurt her feelings by criticizing her son and make up for it by offering an insincere apology because she's "overreacting." I'd be done with you, too.

OP here. I've been a good stepdaughter to her, as well. I've been there for her when her own son wasn't capable of doing anything other than wreaking havoc on her and our family. My father is pretty abusive, even toward my stepmother. However, she's brought out a lot of good in my dad, and I've told her that many times over the years. The picture you're painting is pretty one-sided, and that hasn't been the case in our relationship. This is the first and only time we've had a falling out, which is why I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around her anger at me.

[Anonymous]

You apologized and let her know that she was important to you. You've done your part. Now step back and let her contend with the problems she is dealing with. She has a lot on her plate right now. It sounds as though she is channeling her anger and frustrations at you right now as a way of coping. But you don't need to be her target and your son certainly doesn't need to be her target. Step out of her picture for awhile. When the dust settles you may find your way back to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You apologized and let her know that she was important to you. You've done your part. Now step back and let her contend with the problems she is dealing with. She has a lot on her plate right now. It sounds as though she is channeling her anger and frustrations at you right now as a way of coping. But you don't need to be her target and your son certainly doesn't need to be her target. Step out of her picture for awhile. When the dust settles you may find your way back to each other.

OP here. Thank you for this. My husband said the same thing. I know she feels a lot of guilt and personal responsibility for my stepbrother's issues, and I'm sure it hurt for me to bring them up.