Letting go when someone cuts you off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me with my sister and her entire family, including her daughter/my niece, who has a family of her own. Nothing is bad enough to "cut off" a family member - it's just a terrible shame, especially for the children involved who are just innocent bystanders.

After several years now I have yet to find what it takes to resume communication, despite my own efforts. If you figure it out, OP, please let us know!

-1,000 I disagree. If another person is toxic to you or consistently makes you miserable, then that's reason enough alone to cut them off.

A person might seem fine to you but be toxic to another person. With families, that's especially the case because often a person can be really nice and great with one family member but manipulative and horrible with another one. Family dynamics are complicated. A mother could be really kind and doting on one child, but she could be manipulative and judgmental and toxic to another. Same with siblings.

People get to choose who they maintain relationships with. Sometimes you have to cut off a person for your own sanity and well-being. Sometimes it's better for both people involved.

As for OP, my guess is that this isn't the first time she's hurt her stepmother. It's likely that all along there have been things that have upset the stepmother, but she has overlooked those things for the sake of the relationship. My guess is this was the final straw.

[Anonymous]

If OP's son has mental health issues...then maybe it's for the best. It sounds like the dad is awful anyway.

I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP's son has mental health issues...then maybe it's for the best. It sounds like the dad is awful anyway.

I'm sorry OP.

OP here. Thanks. I think my dad likely has been playing both sides and pitting us against each other. He told me a few weeks ago that he told my stepmother, "You took my grandson away from me" because of her behavior. I'm sure this is stoking the anger against me. I tried to arrange to go visit them (they live a plane ride away), but my dad said, "Your stepmother said that she'll go visit her friends if you come visit us." It's a really dysfunctional relationship all around, but I still try to maintain the relationship. Luckily I'm in therapy trying to work through this.

[Anonymous]

OK, it is ok for you to say you do not want your child around her son if he has clear mental health issues and made threats. Do not question yourself. Maybe how you said it came across badly, but you apologized and that should be the end of it. Do not put your child in a position that puts them at risk.

I had an "uncle" - adults divorced but parents kept in contact with both for my cousin's sake. The uncle was making me very uncomfortable and I told my parents and they made sure to keep him away for the rest of the evening and never invite him again. Trust your judgement. Nothing bad happened but looking back, it was very uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

You can't bulldoze your way back into her life and it doesn't matter what you think of the reasonableness of her response. You need to respect how she feels and let her decide when she wants you back.

What you need to decide if this is something that can be mended on YOUR end since she has a son who is unsafe for your child to be around and she has instead chosen to go into denial. If her son hurt your son in any way, you now know she would side with her son regardless and turn against you. Are you sure you want her close? If so, how are you going to navigate keeping her son away from yours, or are you going to turn a blind eye and put your son at risk to make your stepmother happy?

[Anonymous]

You can invite your father to come visit you, and make it clear that she is also welcome should she choose to join.
This way you can still maintain the relationship with your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's son has mental health issues...then maybe it's for the best. It sounds like the dad is awful anyway.

I'm sorry OP.

OP here. Thanks. I think my dad likely has been playing both sides and pitting us against each other. He told me a few weeks ago that he told my stepmother, "You took my grandson away from me" because of her behavior. I'm sure this is stoking the anger against me. I tried to arrange to go visit them (they live a plane ride away), but my dad said, "Your stepmother said that she'll go visit her friends if you come visit us." It's a really dysfunctional relationship all around, but I still try to maintain the relationship. Luckily I'm in therapy trying to work through this.

I'm confused. If they live a plane ride away, then why was it even necessary to discuss her son being around your son? Was she asking for her son to stay with you or for you to stay with him?

If you don't feel comfortable leaving your child with her step brother, that's fine. I don't understand why you had to tell her that. It sounds like they don't live near you. So was your son even potentially going to be around your brother in law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's son has mental health issues...then maybe it's for the best. It sounds like the dad is awful anyway.

I'm sorry OP.

OP here. Thanks. I think my dad likely has been playing both sides and pitting us against each other. He told me a few weeks ago that he told my stepmother, "You took my grandson away from me" because of her behavior. I'm sure this is stoking the anger against me. I tried to arrange to go visit them (they live a plane ride away), but my dad said, "Your stepmother said that she'll go visit her friends if you come visit us." It's a really dysfunctional relationship all around, but I still try to maintain the relationship. Luckily I'm in therapy trying to work through this.

I'm confused. If they live a plane ride away, then why was it even necessary to discuss her son being around your son? Was she asking for her son to stay with you or for you to stay with him?

If you don't feel comfortable leaving your child with her step brother, that's fine. I don't understand why you had to tell her that. It sounds like they don't live near you. So was your son even potentially going to be around your brother in law?

Sounds like the Op and her family were flying in for visits and maybe the stepmom was expecting the kids to spend time unsupervised together. Op wasn't comfortable with that and tried to negotiate some boundaries.....and negotiations did not go smoothly to put it mildly.

Since it's the stepmom's house, her rules apply though. And if stepmom is done with Op, either temporarily or permanently, Op is just going to have to accept it. Hopefully, with a little time things will work out between them.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP whose stepmom was sick or something? And you were going to send your son their for a week because you and DH both had work commitments? But you posted because you were concerned about your stepbrother being at the house who had anger issues? And most posters said not to make your MIL responsible for keeping her son away for a week and that you should arrange a time when you can go with your son before your step mom got too sick?

[Anonymous]

"Some say a word is dead when it is said. I say it just begins to live that day." Emily Dickinson.

Some things can never be undone and are relationship-ending forever. It sounds as though you did accuse her son, your step brother, of being a pedophile. That would be relationship ending for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP whose stepmom was sick or something? And you were going to send your son their for a week because you and DH both had work commitments? But you posted because you were concerned about your stepbrother being at the house who had anger issues? And most posters said not to make your MIL responsible for keeping her son away for a week and that you should arrange a time when you can go with your son before your step mom got too sick?

Yes, that was me. I took the advice and decided to cancel the trip and visit with my son. However, my dad was furious with me and insisted that I still send my son without me joining him. I decided to try to reason with my stepmother about the situation, but clearly it blew up in my face.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have a child. Your primary job in life is to protect your child. If keeping him out of likely harm's way means estrangement from your family that is very sad. But it doesn't change your responsibility as a parent.

Reminding yourself of that is how you let go of worrying about your stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It had to do with my stepbrother, her son, and my concern about my son being around him. I know I hurt her, and I said as much in my messages to her. My husband keeps telling me to let this go and not to try to contact her again, but I care about our relationship too much to let one disagreement destroy 20 years of history.

You stuck a nerve because she knows what you pointed out about her son is true.

I've stopped visiting my parents house altogether because of my brother's drug use. I'm concerned about one of my small children finding and investing something like an acid tablet, and the cops are always at their house. Last time we were over, my brother was going bananas at 2am and woke up my kids. I decided I was done. I've explained my reasoning for not wanting to visit (we do visits at our house, and brother not allowed) but it still eats my mom up. People don't end up off the rails overnight, it's a long process. There's plenty of behavior my parents overlooked in my brother for many years and now they know it. She probably knows her son is her biggest failure or she's still got her head in the sand and won't tolerate anyone else who isn't in la la land with her.

I'm with your DH on this. Let her go. You did the right thing by protecting your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Some say a word is dead when it is said. I say it just begins to live that day." Emily Dickinson.

Some things can never be undone and are relationship-ending forever. It sounds as though you did accuse her son, your step brother, of being a pedophile. That would be relationship ending for me.

Oh, really?

PP here with the lunatic brother. If someone I sincerely loved and trusted explained that they thought my son might have pedophelic tendencies, I'm pretty sure I'd listen up and want to know why they thought that. I would not shut them down. Pedophiles have families too, you know. Good on the OP for laying down a boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP whose stepmom was sick or something? And you were going to send your son their for a week because you and DH both had work commitments? But you posted because you were concerned about your stepbrother being at the house who had anger issues? And most posters said not to make your MIL responsible for keeping her son away for a week and that you should arrange a time when you can go with your son before your step mom got too sick?

Yes, that was me. I took the advice and decided to cancel the trip and visit with my son. However, my dad was furious with me and insisted that I still send my son without me joining him. I decided to try to reason with my stepmother about the situation, but clearly it blew up in my face.

I am unfamiliar with the prior thread but....wow. Wow. I think I understand why your stepmother has cut off contact.